Chapter 5—Raine

Dinner turns out to be very interesting. I learned that Jonah is a really great guy. Turns out he built the house they live in. He’s got a pretty good construction business. He’s obviously well respected around here. Based on the amount of people who come over to welcome us. I also learn that Jade’s Mom, Autumn, died of a disease called Lupus which could be hereditary. Jade seems very uncomfortable while talking about this subject. So, I try to change it. “So, what medium do you prefer for your artwork?” Her face lights up once again and she begins to talk about something that is clearly her passion. I get wrapped up in her as she uses her hands and her facial expressions to convey how she feels about acrylics and watercolors and chalk and charcoal. Her Dad clearly considers her his whole world. That’s how every Dad should feel. I admire that. He could be sitting here just talking to my Mom. But they are both including all of us in the conversation. It’s very comfortable. Almost like a real family going out to dinner. Time just flies by, and I don’t think Mom and I have had an evening this nice in a long time. The smile on her face is an indication that she is enjoying it as much as I am.

The next week is filled with beach explorations, forest excursions, and lots of good food and conversation. I haven’t really had much time alone with Jade. But I think that’s a good thing. I am definitely attracted to her sense of humor and kind heart. Who wouldn’t be? But I can’t let myself get attached. It’s hard to believe I found this beautiful girl who cares so much about others. She talks about the women’s shelter and the children there as though they are part of her family. I see my Mom get tear filled eyes now and then as Jade tells us about one of the kids she has grown attached to. Or how she wishes she could save them all. This is something really close to our hearts, but we don’t ever mention how much this impacts us on a personal level. I have decided that there is no way I can perform at the art auction. It’s just too risky that someone could take a video. Next thing we know; Ezekiel would be on his way to reclaim his property.

Two surprising things that I realize by observing this amazing girl is that she almost always looks tired. But she never mentions it. And that she is extremely messy. It’s as if all her excitement for art and life just explodes out into chaos around her. We were invited to the Monroe house for dinner this evening and we were granted a tour of the studio Jonah built. It’s beautiful and full of light from the floor to ceiling windows. And there are art supplies and canvases and books and papers everywhere. I don’t know how she can function in this chaos. But clearly, she does because everywhere I look are the most amazing pieces of art. Portraits mostly. Women’s faces, or women holding small children. I wonder if they are real people from the shelter. I’m particularly drawn to one with a huge smile and green eyes. “It’s my mom”, she tells me. “Or at least the way I see her.” I stare at it a little longer and notice quite a few similarities. The nose, the eyebrows. “Its beautiful Jade. She must have been gorgeous. You look a lot like her.” I see the blush start up on her cheeks. Its adorable as always.

“I know it’s a mess. It makes my Dad crazy. But he says Mom was exactly the same in this space. I think I need everything out and around me so I can see it and create properly. At least that’s what I tell myself.” She looks down at the floor as she says this. Clearly embarrassed. “Jade, I don’t care how messy this room is. The only thing that matters is the artwork that comes straight from your heart. Are some of these women from the shelter?” She walks over to one with a woman holding a baby and tears are streaming down the mother’s face. But the colors are vibrant and alive. There is light coming from behind her. “It’s how I see the women there. They are broken, but there is hope. The light and color represent their future. The things that are possible with a fresh start.” I love that thought. A fresh start. I guess I never really looked at it that way. It was always just a new place to hide. To go unseen and unnoticed. Never a stepping stone to something bigger, better.

“Do you see this move to Big Sur as a fresh start Raine?” She asks me as she puts one tiny hand on my shoulder. I’m still looking at the painting. “I don’t know. That’s a question that will only be answered with time, I guess. I hope it is.” I turn and look her in the eyes. She seems to have gotten a little emotional herself. I reach up and wipe the tear that has gotten loose on her cheek. I leave my hand there and she closes her eyes. Leaning into my touch just slightly. “You have so many people that you care for and worry about. Are you sure there is room in your heart for me?” I ask. “I think I have a big spot that has been waiting for you to fill it Raine. If you let me into yours.” She looks back up at me with those emeralds. I can’t help but smile. “There is a lot about my past that I just can’t tell you. I can’t let anyone in completely. It would be careless of me. I have to think about my Mom.” I tell her. She puts her hand over mine and nods her head in some sort of understanding. Then she pulls away. The loss of her warm soft skin surprises me, and I let out a deep breath that I must have been holding. She starts to walk out of the room, and I follow.

My Mom and her Dad are in the kitchen making some sort of pasta. I hear her giggling like a schoolgirl. I realize she never had this in her life before me. She was sixteen when I was born. She had already been living in the compound for a few months before that. Already being treated like a slave to him. I only wish she had decided she could stay with my grandfather. But she was young and scared. I understand why Ezekiel seemed like the perfect solution. He would take her in and make her part of his “family”, no questions asked. But little did she know what he would ask back from her. From me. I don’t know how many other women and children lived there when she first arrived. But when we left, there were about 10 other kids younger than me. Mostly girls. Being raised to serve the almighty Ezekiel Shepherd.

Dinner is pleasant of course with really good fettucine alfredo that Jonah prepared. But I feel a little distance with me and Jade. I know she put herself out there by asking me to open up to her. She must know I have a lot of secrets. A past that we never ever speak of. I know all about her mother and her life before. But she knows next to nothing of mine. I notice my Mom skirts the subject with skill as well. I wonder if Jonah feels the way Jade does. Feeling that we are holding back so much of ourselves. Will this make it impossible for either me or my Mom to ever have a real relationship with someone else. I hope not. But I can see that Jade wants more. I want to give it to her. Give all of me to her. But I can’t.