Chapter 28—Emma
It was our first vacation together and I knew that he was going to ask what was wrong. He kept going on about it on the way there. Subtly hinting about me not having my period for the last two months.
What is it with men?
Why don’t they say exactly what is on their mind? He asked if we should stop at the store on the way to the airport, because I forgot to pack something. I ignored him, pretending that I didn’t know what he was on about. I could see the disappointment on his face when I said that there was no need.
Was he upset, because he knew? Or was it the fact that I didn’t tell him?
The season was starting and he needed to get his head back in the game. He had been jogging and doing exercises with Mason when he had managed to get out of bed.
Which hadn’t been often.
The thing is I knew that I wanted to be with him. There was no doubt about that in my mind, but the thing that got me was the fact that we had moved so quickly.
Kind of too quickly!
I had to think about a job, and what direction my life was going in. So far it involved Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian. And if a baby was on its way too, I felt as if I would be lost in the mix of it all. I was still me; being in a relationship didn’t mean complete sacrifice. Then again I seemed to be the one doing all the sacrificing.
“You act as if we’re in war-torn Syria or something, not in the Bahamas!”
I threw a pillow at him. But he had a point. I was turning into the miserable one. I remember studying the effect that an environment can have one one’s persona. So did it mean that the more time I spent with Sebastian, the more miserable I was going to get every day?
I shook at the idea of it. I lay back in the bed. Thinking that we needed to venture out. We came here to get some sun and sea. Not to spend the whole time in bed.
“We’ve been here for two days and we haven’t left the bedroom.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “I know, but it’s no big deal, right?”
I laughed as I kept on speaking to his chest, knowing that I needed to lift my head up and have a conversation with him. Eye to eye, so he wouldn’t have to hint anymore and I could just tell him straight up about the baby.
“No big deal, but with the curtains half-drawn—”
He lifted his finger. “So, no one gets to see your beautiful body but me.”
“And with us ordering room-service every minute, I kind of feel the need to get out. Don’t you?”
He hesitated for a minute and then moved the strands of hair that were all over my face. I looked a mess; I didn’t even need to look in the mirror to know that. I had only been putting a robe on when they brought in whatever meal we had ordered for the day. Always at the wrong time. We were having breakfast at lunchtime and sometimes dinner at breakfast time. The whole thing was nuts. He was right about one thing, I only wanted to go out for the sake of doing it. Not because I really wanted to go out.
“Well soon we won’t be able to do this. You know, hang out alone. In the bedroom all day.” He moved his hand to my belly. “Especially when I’ll be training again. You’ll be looking for a job. Or would you be at home with our baby?”
I knew it!
Well, he had said it before me.
“I don’t know.”
I moved away from him. He knew, but he had automatically assumed that I was keeping it. I hadn’t even figured out that part yet.
He grabbed my arm. “Were you thinking otherwise. You know?” He nodded, with sadness in his eyes as if he knew exactly what I was thinking, but struggled to say the words.
I moved my arm and got up. All of a sudden I felt hot, not even the cool breeze of the air conditioning was cooling me down.
“I thought you were keeping it quiet, because you wanted to surprise me. But that’s not what this is about, is it?”
He was following me around the room, and what had felt like it was bigger than my apartment all of a sudden felt really small.
“There’s too much at stake. First I need to get a job. You’ll be back at training…”
My excuses were so lame, but these were the issues that I struggled with.
“Really, Emma, you want to say that a job is more important than a life?”
He sat down, frustrated with my rationale for not having a baby, when in fact that wasn’t really true. I had never decided not to have it. I just didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Maybe that was the real reason that I hadn’t spoken to him about it. I knew that he would be all for it whereas I might be against it. And right now, I felt like the most selfish person in the world for not wanting to have his child.