Fear of the future

I woke up after making love with Ethan twice that night and was surprised to find him not beside me. I put on the dress shirt he was wearing, which on me looked like a dress, slipped my feet into my slippers, and walked calmly through the house. I went to Nicholas's room, and when I got there he was not in bed. I continued walking down the stairs until my ears were bathed in the music of Nicholas's favorite cartoon. I walked around the living room and found them on the couch, Ethan was sitting next to Nicholas, who was sleeping with his head in his lap. I gently took the remote control from Ethan's hands and turned off the television. He moved, but not enough to awaken or wake Nicholas. I thought about waking him up, getting him into bed, but the sight was too perfect.

After so many years, it seemed like things were finally getting back on track. This scared me, it's not like I was the "good luck" girl. I ran my hand lovingly over Nicholas's face and heard him say, still asleep "Daddy...Ethan. Don't go away, please stay Daddy."

That was enough to break my heart. I never thought that Nicholas could miss a father figure so much or get so attached to anyone. He had Will, and Nicholas certainly loved him, but the bond he had with Colle was something I had never seen before. He still groaned, he looked distressed. When Ethan went to New York, I felt distressed, the feeling I had was that he would not come back, and Nicholas may have felt that. I should have been more careful. I immediately felt my heart tighten, I started to tremble. What if he left me, what if he left us? I would feel bad, it would hurt so much, I could even feel my eyes filling up with water, the pain like last time ravaging my soul. And Nicholas? I could handle it. What about him? I couldn't stand to see his little heart broken, he couldn't go! I couldn't bear it.

I put my hand to my mouth as the sobbing came out. I walked to the door, my hands trembling and having a little trouble opening the door. When I finally fit the key and got out, I ran towards the deck. The night was blowing warm winds, silent tears streaming down my face. "I won't stand for it."

On the deck, I watched the black night sky, starry, so beautiful and pure.

A single shooting star cut across the sky, and I asked in a low voice, placing my hand on my chest. "God, don't let him leave me, I love him." The wood of the deck creaked. I looked back.

- Maria? What are you doing here at this hour? - I asked in a hoarse voice, drying my tears.

- I've been having insomnia problems for a few weeks now. - She came closer and stopped beside me.

We remained silent.

- He loves you," she began. - I've never seen him look or act the way he does when he's with you.

I tried to stop her.

- It's okay, Maria," I stammered, and clasped my hands in hers.

- When I met him, he was just a boy who had just arrived in New York. He was clumsy and distrustful, afraid even of a simple hello. I was a waitress in a cafeteria; every day he went there to eat and always ordered the cheapest meal. - She smiled at the memory. - He always intrigued me, such a young boy with such a sad smile, he seemed to carry the world on his back. As time went by I got to know him more and more. He had a hard time opening up, he was very angry and thought all the time about revenge. He hated his father, his mother for leaving so early, the family that was broken up. One time he didn't go there for a week, and on my day off, the first thing I did was to look for him. After much investigation, I found him at a friend's house.

- Thomas? - I asked.

- Yes. He said he had just been looking for him; Ethan was living in shelters, eating scraps of food, living like no animal should live. My heart ached. He was drowning more and more each day. For the first time I spoke to him like a mother. Even though I could never replace her, the boy needed direction. - He sighed. - He said he couldn't eat or afford a place to live, that even if he had a fortune, he needed to save, to grow up, because he was going to change the world. - He smiled. - We finally managed to convince him of how things should be done. He was already enrolled in the SEAL program, and this only gave him a boost. Some time later he managed to set up a small company, then he started studying investments, started investing in the stock market, and earned his first million, the fruit of his labor. It was one of the moments when I saw him happiest. Unfortunately, some time later he was kidnapped.

I shuddered with sadness at the way his tone changed.

- When he was rescued by Lucian," she continued, "it was wonderful. I finally had my little boy back. He was thin, he had marks of violence all over his body, and I think one of the things that hurt me the most was the fact that there was no one waiting for him when he arrived, no father or mother, wife or children.

At that moment a tear came down my face. I turned away so she wouldn't notice, even though I knew there was no way she wouldn't notice. Poor Ethan, he had been through so much.

- He was strong, he didn't let it get him down. I remember thinking "Oh, God, give my boy strength to get through this". I didn't want everything to go back to square one, he couldn't be bad again. When I looked at him, I could see that he was broken. I never thought I would see someone so broken, that is until I met you five years ago.

I started to cry openly.

- When I say that he loves you, I mean it," she spoke tenderly. - Everything about him says that. I can tell by the way he looks at you, the way he's never looked at anyone. The way he smiles at you, the truest smile I've ever seen on him, except when he smiles at Nicholas.

He laughs between tears.

- He will do anything just to see you happy. I saw how he looked after your birthday night, on this very deck, almost five years ago. I knew right away that there was something, he was hurt, sad. But Ethan is difficult, sometimes he doesn't know how to act, doesn't know how to speak. He wishes he could glue the pieces together, but how? There are things that only we can fix, no matter how hard the other person tries, there are pains that are only ours. I learned this when I tried to fix him years ago.

I started to sob in tears. I loved him, but I was so afraid.

- I know you love him too. I heard, right after he left, your cries and laments as soon as the nightmares came back. You called for him every night, even before Nicholas was born. It hurt me to see you like this, but there was nothing either of us could do. You were broken, and the only one who could fix you was far away. Suffering too.

- I'm scared, Maria," I said, turning to her, who took me in her arms and stroked me like a child.

- Don't be afraid, child. There's really nothing to be afraid of. He loves you.

- What if he leaves me? What if he leaves again? I can't bear it, Nicholas can't bear it. I couldn't handle it. - I sobbed in his arms.

- He won't, darling, he loves you. He'll never leave you again.

- And it's all been so perfect," I said between sobs and sobs in his arms. - He has always been so good to me, and he is so good to Nicholas. He is polite and kind...he has a big heart, his smile, and he smells so good...I admire him so much... I... I love him," I said out loud.

- I know, darling, I know.

- I've loved him since I first saw him; I didn't know, now I can see. I just don't want to lose him, I don't want it to end, I've never felt so loved and well. I just want to have him forever, I don't want to feel fear or insecurity anymore.

- There is nothing to fear, young lady, from the beginning it was mutual.

Some time later, I opened the door slowly so as not to wake anyone, took long steps, and went into the living room. Ethan and Nicholas were no longer there.

Shit.

I turned to go upstairs and came face to face with Colle's bare, rock-hard chest.

- Ethan, you scared me.

I looked up to see what was still on his chest. When I reached his eyes, they were black.

- Where have you been? You scared me. I looked all over the house and you weren't

you were not there.

- I'm sorry," I said softly. - I woke up and you weren't in bed, I got up and found you both here, sleeping," my treacherous voice began to tremble.

- Hey, what's up, baby? - He smoothed my face with his hand. - Is something wrong?

- Sorry, I'm just emotional.

- Is this still about last month?

I shut up. In parts it was, after the conversation with Maria I had calmed down. But seeing him was reliving all my fears and insecurities, even though everything said that there was love.

- I am afraid. - I cried, ashamed to expose my emotions. - Everything is happening so fast, what if it doesn't work out between us? I don't even know what I am to you. Your girlfriend? Your bed-warmer? I don't know! What if you get sick of me? What if everything you think you feel for me is just a trap of your head? What if you decide to leave again? I can't stand it, Nicholas can't stand it... What if...

Ethan was quick and pulled me into a kiss. His lips were salty from my tears, his tongue invaded my mouth and I kissed back.

He interrupted the kissing and began to make little kisses on my lips.

lips.

- What if... What if... What if... - he said slowly, "I love you?

- Love me?

- Yes. What if I tell you that I've wasted too much time, and that time doesn't matter to me now?

He kissed me.

- What if I tell you that it will work out, that there is no more right place for us than next to each other?

You kissed me.

- What if I tell you that I want you to be, for me, more than you ever were for anyone in this world? What if I told you that there's no possibility of me ever getting sick of you, I love everything about you, from when I first saw you, so beautiful, and innocent... There is nothing I am more sure of than what I feel when I am with you. I will never leave you or Nicholas again. Nicole O'Connell, I love you unreasonably. I could save this for a more special moment, and I swear, I wish it were better than this; I tried, on your birthday. But anyway... - Colle sighed deeply, knelt down and looked into my eyes.

- There is nothing I want more than to wake up every day next to you. I love everything about you, and have since the very first time. I can't promise to be perfect, but if you tell me that it's mutual, and that it is, I swear that I will love you every day of our lives. Be my wife!

- Oh, God!

I knelt down in front of him.

- I love you! Colle, I love you! - I said, kissing him awkwardly, and knocking him to the ground. He smiled between kisses.

- That was so beautiful! I love you. Yes! Yes! Yes!

He kissed me back. Then he took my finger and slipped on

wedding ring.

- You are perfect. I love you, Nicole O'Connell.