Chapter 57 Suspect Partners

Chapter 57 Suspect Partners
I couldn't explain something that went beyond my own understanding. As much as part of me wanted to try, I knew I couldn't take risks. My head was fighting against my heart, but I promised never to let my emotions win, and I wouldn't break my own rule for him.

"Because we would never work," I explain, and she shakes her head.

"I don't think it's that simple. It's not easy to resist Jayden, and I know that very well, so I think there's some other reason behind all of this," she asserts, and I look away.

She was right, there was a reason, but I wouldn't talk about it with her.

"Of course, there's a reason. I can't stand that boy. He annoys me, disrupts me, and drives me crazy in a way I've never been before," I affirm, exasperated, and she raises an eyebrow.

"If you've never felt like this before, how do you know it's not love?" She asks, and for the second time that day, I had no answer.

After we eat, I wash the dishes, still trying to understand Jayden's actions, while Lexie grumbles about Patrick. We return to the couch, and I only realize that I won't get rid of her easily when, after trying to make a list of reasons why she was right and Patrick was wrong, which was empty, she finally falls asleep.

I ended up letting her sleep in bed with me and realized that she had really become my first friend. In the end, Lexie's visit was good, so I wouldn't feel alone, and after she had spoken so much, I was tired and fell asleep. I'm not used to dreaming, but nightmares visit me from time to time.

This time I was locked in the old trailer where I lived with my mother. One of her boyfriends had locked me in there so that I wouldn't see the scandal my mother was making out of jealousy, but I could still hear her screams, even if I covered my ears.

Tears streamed down my face, and I screamed in despair. "Mom!" I called unsuccessfully, and the desperation made me lose my breath.

When I wake up, Lexie is shaking me, frightened, and seeing her brown eyes in the middle of that dark room, I collapse into a cry that I avoid every day. This is a side of my past that I try not to revisit. These are memories that I try to suppress all the time but still affect me.

I watched my mother dying of love every day. Giving herself to passing passions that took parts of her that I never deserved. I always dreamed of receiving from her one percent of the love that was dedicated to those men who treated her like garbage. I promised myself that I would never fall in love that way because there was nothing I abhorred more than giving up myself for someone, and I think that's what makes me run from Jayden.

The fear of going crazy with so much love. Of overflowing with that feeling and letting it consume me in such a way that I can't find my way back. Of getting lost in the dance of flames that set my body and heart on fire when he was around. Jayden is everything I promised to run from. He is the embodiment of all my fears and, at the same time, is the only one who has ever made me feel safe.

For me, love has always been like a prison. A game of chance where you enter a labyrinth blindfolded and hand someone a knife hoping they won't stab you. I always saw anyone who came close as an enemy and managed to keep my heart intact, until now.

The lack of air makes my throat close up, and Lexie stares at me wide-eyed, visibly desperate. "Rachel? What's happening? What do I do? Should I call Jayden?" She asserts, trying to get out of bed, and I pull her back, shaking my head.

Tears roll down my face, and I hate myself for breaking down like this in front of Lexie. The inhaler is beside the bed, so it doesn't take long for me to relieve the crisis. Even so, Lexie still looks at me scared. I'm not used to having people around; I've always had my critical moments alone, and I had no idea how scary this could be for other people.

"Rachel, I think we should go to the doctor. Let me call Jayden!" She insists, and I shake my head.

"No. I don't want to see Jayden! I need to avoid him. I need to keep my distance. I can't let him get close," I explain, and she furrows her brows.

"Why not? What's going on?" She asks, and I shake my head.

Lexie approaches and pulls me close to her, and before I know it, I'm crying on her shoulder like a child.

"He will hurt me! I'm sure of it. I know that if I let him, he will destroy me in a way that I won't be able to come back, Lexie. I will lose myself if I surrender to him, and I can't do that!" I confess, feeling her hand caressing my back.

"Why are you saying this?" She asks, her voice trembling.

"Because I saw it my whole childhood. My mother gave everything to anyone who pretended to like her enough. She was so hungry for love that she saw the crumbs these men offered as a feast. But she always got hurt, and it destroyed her. I can't, Lexie, I can't end up like that. I can't end up like her," I affirmed with sobs, and she didn't say anything, just nodded.

"You won't end up like her. I won't let you, okay? I promise!" She asserts with all certainty, and I end up giving a choked laugh. It's not like she could do anything. In fact, I'm the only one who can fight against myself, and I've been doing that very well.

"I just need to keep him away," I repeat like a prayer, and she nods, stroking my hair.

"Hey, it's going to be okay!" She assures me and pulls me to lay in her lap.

It took a while for Lexie to fall asleep again, and when the day dawned, I got up thinking about everything I would have to do. Thinking about my financial problems was enough to keep my mind away from Jayden. I made coffee and went out to the street to take out the trash, making sure there was no sign of my homeowner. I still didn't know what to do because I promised I would sort out the rent when I came back from the trip, but now I didn't know how to keep that promise.

As soon as Lexie woke up, she went home because she had to get ready for college. I spent most of the morning applying for more job vacancies and decided to go to the neighborhood diners to see if any stores were hiring. I dressed and peeked through the door, making sure there was no sign of my homeowner. When I saw that there was no one in the hallway, I hurried because I had to catch the subway. Just as I was closing the apartment door, the front door opened, and I went back in, but when I saw who came out of there, I froze completely.

He didn't saw me, but I would recognize that tattooed nape anywhere. The voice of the older woman, which became kinder when speaking to him, confirmed that I wasn't going crazy. Jayden was really there, leaving my homeowner's house, but why?