46- A good blow job doesn´t has gender

\-          - So Ania? Do you want me to tell you the name and surname or you can draw your own conclusions about what's happening down there - She told me defiantly. I looked at her confused.

\- Has it ever happened to you? - I asked in a pleading tone looking for guidance.

\- When I broke up with my ex I went six months without anything at all.- Isabel said - Then I was with El Cangrejo and obviously I like being with him, I feel good. Maybe you're still in love with… - There was a silence and Isabel remained with her gaze fixed on me. She slowly continued speaking - You know that breakups take time sis, and you've only been... How long have you been?

\- Next week it will be five months.

\- Five months without sex? - Isabel asked - I went six when I broke up with my ex - Isabel added. Maria looked at us alarmed and suddenly her eyes filled with surprise.

\- Something is wrong with a woman for her to go so long without sex. "I've been two weeks and I can't walk anymore," she said worriedly. Isabel and I shrugged. Isa and I were water signs and so was Maria, however Maria was a Scorpio, the most sexual sign of the zodiac. For Maria sex was something natural, like breathing or combing your hair.

\- Well not without sex as such, because they've been licking you like a lollipop," Maria added. Isabel shook her head.

\- Ania, if you move in with Melisa you'll have to fuck her," Maria said, and for the first time her tone of voice hardened and her face became serious without a hint of humor. "And it can be traumatic if you're not ready yet. I think it's best that you talk to Melisa if you're thinking of moving in with her, and ask for time so she doesn't rape you while you sleep."

\-      Last week we had oral sex in her car and I had an incredible orgasm… incre…d…ible – I whispered emphasizing the last sentence. Maria Gabriela looked at me expressionless and rolled her eyes – It's hard not to want, because I feel like I do want her. But when the time comes I… – I lowered my gaze and when I raised it again I looked at my friends with sadness – I feel like I can't. The last time I made love with Paola was so special – I said and my voice broke – And I'm still not ready for someone else to touch me. When Paola touched me I felt like a star with its own light – I added smiling sweetly more to myself.

\- Hallelujah! – Maria exclaimed.

\- If you didn't say her name we wouldn't dare to say it – Isabel admitted.

\- The psychoanalyst told me to stop calling her by her name.

\- It's not Voldemort.

\- She's worse than Voldemort, Voldemort appeared if you named him - Isabel explained, nodding her head - She's something like a kind of energy that comes when Anastasia names her, fills her eyes with tears and never goes away. - She said, shrugging her shoulders. She finished painting the little finger of my other hand and smiled pleased.

\- I don't feel that need to want to lick her pussy or kiss her breasts, undress her, caress her, nothing! And Mel is so beautiful for God's sake, will I never want to have sex again? - Isa looked at me with determination. Maria gave me a calm look, took a drag on the cigarette and watched the smoke rise to the ceiling of the stairs. - Talk to her, sooner or later the desire will win you over - She assured me.

\-     And what if I feel bad after doing it?

\- Go to therapy – Maria said.

\- No, you don't need to go to therapy, sis. Therapy and psychologists are for people who have no one to talk to. I've already told you that. And I'll always be willing to listen to you. – Isabel squeezed my wrist tenderly. Then she picked up the nail polishes and began to put the unused cotton balls into her nail polish kit. Maria gave my friend a strange look, she looked at Isabel with wild and sweet eyes. I found it hard to believe that tenderness could exist in Maria. – It's completely normal for your body to reject another person if you're still in love with Paola. Eventually you'll fall in love with Melisa and that won't happen to you anymore. Trust me – Isabel concluded finishing picking up the nail polishes.

\- And what if you make a mistake?

\- I don't. At worst you'll have sex with her because we all have needs - Isabel said - As you've been doing, you know. A quickie - She whistled, moving her hand upwards. - A couple of orgasms - She raised an eyebrow - And that's it.

\- I think you made a lot of progress in today's class - Maria told her, studying her expressions. Isabel gave her a disdainful look.

\- Don't worry, sisters, everything will work out great - She added - But before you move in with her unofficially, you have to talk to her about this, okay?

\-        Okay, I just hope she'll be patient with me.

\- She'll wait for you, Mel is a good girl. The Crab told me that he was never unfaithful to his last girlfriend and they lasted three years.

\- Really? And why did they break up?

\- The girlfriend left her for a man and got pregnant. Didn't you know?

\- No, apparently I'm so uninterested in her that I forgot to ask her.

\- If there's no interest in her personal life, there will be even less sexual interest – Maria said humming her phrase.

\- Oh, and now what about you? Do you want to be my therapist? – I said in an acidic tone – Will you allow me? – I asked her watching her smoke and asking for the cigarette.

\- Okay, I'll keep quiet. I'm just saying that it's a big mistake for you to move. If you want sex, you have Melisa available. And don't go with one of those truck drivers who flirt with you for God's sake – Maria said, taking a drag of her cigarette. She watched me blow the smoke out of my mouth. Then she brought the edge of the cigarette marked with my pastel pink lipstick to her mouth. “If you want someone to sleep hugging you, talk to Melisa and use her as a stuffed animal until she gets tired of your tentative lesbian sex. And if you want to keep your heart stable, look for Paola, she's the only one who can tame that little throbbing heart.”

“María, are you serious?” Isabel said. “She doesn't need to exclude herself and lock herself in her room. She doesn't need to keep being hurt and look for Paola either. She needs to move forward little by little, relationships take time.”

“I'm still here, girls, don't forget that,” I added dryly, thinking about what María had just told me. “Tentative lesbian sex,” I repeated, offended.

“I'm sorry,” Isa murmured.

“You know what? I don't want to talk about it anymore… I'm going to take a shower, okay?” I announced, getting up from the stairs.

“Call me anytime.” If the sex was bad, call me, if it was good, call me anyway. I'll be watching you - Maria said sternly.

\- Okay - I murmured, looked at my long, scarlet-covered fingernails and walked to my room.

The day itself had been hard, talking about my problems out loud only made them more present. The truth was that I was taking care of Paola, of that "libido towards the loved object" that Dr. Mercedes Pulido had talked about. I was afraid to give myself to Mel because I was afraid of finding out that everything I once called magic would be the same worn-out melody with another face. My mind was spinning like a carousel that does nothing but repeat and repeat and repeat the same scene over and over again, waiting for the children to get tired of playing and stop riding on the little figures. My soul itself was the same, as tired as ever of Paola playing with my little feelings, turning my life around a thousand times without even being present. Boy, had she done well, she had arranged each piece so perfectly positioned that now that she was not alone I longed to feel her hands making their next move once again. I decided that love no longer tasted like music to me. Now it tasted like beer, they were not Mel's legs, and they were not Paola's either, they were the precipices that each one forced me to jump over. I would let go of one and jump towards another, and without knowing it while I licked Paola's precipices with the tip of my tongue, I would suddenly throw myself embracing the void, or any abyss that could erase the absence of her hands.

That day all my doubts and past ended up at the bottom of the lace panties drawer; unused, just like the packs of cigarettes I kept as a backup when I decided to quit smoking, but I predicted a relapse to my old vice, doubting my willpower, even before I gave out. Because, after all, from time to time it's good to forget about everything. You have to change in life, and just try.

Now I was folding clothes in the new drawer that Mel had given me, new underwear for my new intimate partner. That would be the first night I would sleep in her apartment since I had officially moved in with her.