CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN

AXEL:

Three years ago…

"Honey, I'm home!" My fiancé Had ley slammed the front door and the rattle of plastic grocery bags let me know she needed help. I rose from my chair at the kitchen table and Had ley came like a bonkbuster from around the corner with a bright smile. She never failed to brighten my day with her infectious energy.

She refused my outstretched hand with a shake of her head and headed to the kitchen, laying the bags down with a drawn-out groan.

I rolled my eyes at her theatrics. She laughed and held up a package of meat. "I'm making pepper steak tonight. Will you join us for dinner?"

Pepper steak was Julia's favorite. Had ley cooked it every time she came into town.

I shook my head. "I'll probably stick around long enough to say "hi" and then head to the library." Spying a familiar snack in her grocery haul, I opened the bag of corn chips. In between bites, I reflected on my life post-Shondra. All I did was study, sleep, workout, and study some more.

What else is there to do?

Had ley straightened from putting dish washing liquid under the sink and gave me a disapproving look, throwing her blond hair over her shoulder.

The action reminded me of Shondra so much, my gut clenched.

"Stay here and eat with us, Axel." Had ley blinked her brown eyes and clasped her hands together, rocking on her heels with the force of her plea. "Come on, you know Julia wants to spend some time with you."

In between bites I said, "Suture she does. Why would Julia come all the way from Florida to spend time with me?"

"Because she loves your muscles." Had ley stole the chip bag from my hand and gave me a lewd wink.

I struck a bodybuilder's pose. "Tell her I'm waiting for her anytime she is ready."

"Easy, stud," she said, thumping me on the shoulder.

When our laughter died down, Adderley's face grew serious. I recognized the look. She was gearing up for a preach on the need for me to socialize more. My fake fiancé didn't disappoint. She rattled on about my self-imposed hermit status. I tuned her out, thinking on how we first met. 

Had ley and I had interned for different Congressmen in DC. Since I didn't hit on her and she didn't hit on me, we started talking in between assignments. We quickly found out we had a lot in common such as: staying ripped, skiing, love of the law, and the need to hide our true selves.

One night—over a lot of drinks—I learned of Adderley's predicament.

Like me, Had ley had to hide her true self—her true desires.

Since I hadn't done a very good at job hiding mine, I lost Shondra. Had ley, however, was desperately trying to hold on to hers—her girlfriend, Julia.

Adderley's Grandpa, a wealthy bastard, controlled the lives of his descendants with an iron fist. If someone crossed the old fart, they got booted from his will as soon as Cramps hit the speed dial for his lawyer. Adderley's grandfather was a well-documented homophobic, and she was deathly afraid of student loans; therefore, she had to keep her relationship with Julia on the down low.

Enter me, post-Shondra.

The ache in my heart, caused by the agony of losing my angel, threatened to cave my world in. Sleep had evaded me most nights, and if I ate, it didn't register.

Adderley's friendship and subsequent confession pulled me out of my zombie-like state.

Her need of a "beard" had given me a purpose. I'd become her champion like a knight of old and save her from a life of penury.

With Tennessee whiskey sloshing in our veins, I took Had ley home, telling her of my plan in the Uber to the amusement of our silent driver.

I proposed as we stumbled from the car and by the time we fell into bed, fully clothed, she'd said "yes". The next day, I went to the first jewelry store I saw, and bought her a ring.

I never regretted my decision. Had ley shielded me even as I did her. She provided me a convenient excuse for turning down dates. I even let her answer my phone so she could play the jealous fiancé. She did an outstanding job. After the first six months, the calls from randoms trickled down to nothing.

Our arrangement had started out with me saving her, but in fact, she had saved me.

"Axel? Are you listening?"

I smiled at her need for my attention. It was funny how she sometimes acted like a real fiancé.

"Suture, honey. I'm listening."

Had ley grimaced, giving me the side-eye. "Look, Axel, even if you're saving yourself for Shondra, you can still go out and have some fun. Right?" 

Had ley told her story in one night, a sad story in one night while mine took the entire summer to spill. Regret and guilt kept me from telling Jameson about Sho, but with Had ley, both of us embroiled in similar circumstances, I told her everything—from the day I met Shondra in the park to our breakup in D.C.

In the beginning, Had ley encouraged me to contact Shondra and get her back, pointing out long-distance relationships could work. I refused, afraid of rejection.

What a pussy.

"Had ley, I don't want 'fun'. I want to pass the bar, move to Chicago, and get my world back." Now that I'd fulfilled my obligation to my mom's memory, I was free to go after Sho. It was all I thought about.

Under Adderley's disapproving glare, I gathered my books from the kitchen table and stuffed them in my backpack. "I'm headed out, don't wait up."

Had ley balled up a plastic bag and threw it, missing me by a mile. "Don't worry, we won't!" she shouted, and I ignored her deep sigh which followed me out the door. 

***

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. They had grown bleary from reading and re-reading my study material. Graduation was next week, and the last step to becoming a lawyer, taking the Illinois bar the week after that. I'd been studying my ass off, wanting to make Shondra proud by passing with flying colors.

Shondra...

Would she want to see me?

Was she with someone else?

Over the years, I played out every scenario of our reunion, and during my weakest moments, I'd dial her number, hanging up when she answered. Sometimes, just her voice was enough to see me through another day.

I'd neglected to keep up with her personal life—too painful, but I had kept up with her business, reading all the on-line information I could. She got a mentor and went to China for a few weeks. When she came back, she introduced a new line of fragrances. The upscale department stores had snapped them up and from then on, Shondra rested on easy street.

I was so damn proud of her.

I should call her and tell her so.

What can a call hurt?

Everything...

Damn straight.

If she was with someone else... intimate with someone else, it would hurt like a slow death. That was why I hung up when she answered, I didn't want to know the truth.

After all this time, when we met, it had to be face-to-face. I wanted to study her expression. That way I'd know if she were still interested by the depth of feeling in her eyes.

All I have to do is get through this week. Then move, and then the bar—

"Hi," said a female voice.

I jumped in my chair, my eyes flying open.

"I'm sorry to have startled you," she said in a soft voice.

The woman was a vision. Petite with natural curls, her skin tone was a few shades darker and redder in hue than Shondra's. She wore ripped jeans and a white peasant blouse with a turquoise backpack full of books on her shoulder.

"No problem." I said, packing up to leave. "I'm just surprised someone besides me is here at..." I checked my Apple watch for the time, "... 10:50 on a Friday at night."

"Oh? I'm in here a lot." She threaded an arm through the other loop of her bag. "I've noticed you stay later than me most nights." Smiling, she took me in from head to toe.

As cute as she was, I had zero interest. "It's been a long day," I said. "I best head home to my fiancé."

Like everything in my narrow world, the disappointment on her face was a reminder of how Shondra looked the night she left.

I walked the girl to her bike, reveling in the balmy night by slowing my pace to take in the sticky heat and the ocean scent.

Just like graduation night with Shondra.

The heat...

The sweat...

Her mouth...

Her hands...

Damn.

Daytime was a struggle, but nights made them bearable. I'd lie in bed, stroking one out as I thought about all we shared. I relived every touch, every stroke, every moan...

"Thanks for being a gentleman," the girl said, caressing my hand as I handed over her bag I volunteered to carry.

I gave her a nod and turned to leave, eager to get home and perform my nightly ritual. Self-gratification had kept me faithful these past three years. It was all I needed to get by.