Confused feelings

I more or less got both. I managed to lose weight and have even managed to finish some of my work on time, even the one I missed somehow. I'm not completely up to date, though, but overall, I'd say the pills were a big help in doing what I managed to do. Why would I give up such a good thing?

"Normally, I'd give you a mandatory transfer to rehab, but Mr. Riverside has said he'll take care of it. I'm confident he'll get you the help you need," he tells me, and all I want to do is scream in his face, but I shut up.

I don't want to be kept here any longer than necessary. I'm sure the only help Rayan Riverside is going to give me is to make sure I'm in an early grave instead of getting me some kind of care.

But whatever, I don't care. I can't stop going down this road. I've tried but it's no use. I'm already too addicted to the feeling it gives me. I don't want to lose it because if I'm not high all I'll think about is how miserable my life has become. I'll pretend I'm going to do what this charlatan wants me to do and that will be it until I get out of here.

"So I'm free to go now?" I ask.

"Yes. You're going to be discharged, but I'll follow up on your progress sometime in the next week or so," he tells me, before saying goodbye and leaving the room.

The nurse who came in with him comes over to me and starts unhooking me from all the machines I was hooked up to.

"You can shower and get dressed while we prepare the necessary forms for your discharge," she tells me in a kind voice. He points out where the new clothes are that I need to put on. Wow, it's definitely a fancy hospital if they give you free clothes.

"Thank you," I tell him and he leaves the room.

I slowly get off the bed and head to the bathroom in my room. Once there, I take off my robe and grab my towel before getting in the shower. I take a quick shower. I want to get out of here as soon as possible.

When I'm done, I start drying my skin slowly. My movements are slow. My whole body aches. I realize I didn't bring my clothes with me to the bathroom, so I wrap the towel around me and go back into the room.

I pull up my panties and, just as I'm about to grab my T-shirt and leggings, the door to my room opens. I freeze and, with my arms outstretched to grab the clothes, I see Rayan standing there, staring at me.

I can't get my limbs to work and I stare at him. I thought he would have left by now. I watch his eyes travel down my body and then grow larger a second later as they stop on my stomach. I can't express the emotion that crosses his face, but he clenches his jaw.

It looks like disgust is written all over his face. I quickly grab the towel and cover myself as my limbs start working again. I try to hide, but I know he's just seen the secret I've been hiding from everyone. I grab my clothes and stumble into the bathroom as tears stream down my face.

He has just seen my ruin and how weak I have become.....

I drop the clothes to the floor and rest my hand on the counter with my head bowed as the shame of what I've done takes over me. A moment later, I feel the warmth of his body against my back. He puts his hand on my shoulders and turns me to look at him, but I avoid looking into his eyes. Tears of humiliation well up in me and, once again, he is here to witness as I break down.

"Go away!" I snap at him, but he doesn't hear me.

"What the fuck have you done to yourself?" he growls as he pulls the towel off me. He kneels in front of me to get a better look at what I've done to myself.

My stomach is full of cuts, old and new, and etched into my skin are all the words that have been said to me. My legs are also full of cuts because I needed more space. I ran out of room in my stomach and needed to cut myself to cope. When I don't answer him, he looks at me and his eyes are full of something....

"Answer me! What the fuck have you been doing to your body, baby? I can see the outline of all your fucking ribs," he blurts out, and I start crying harder. He looks at my stomach again. "Cow, ugly, fat, whore, slut, bitch, pig..." he whispers, and then stops.

"A reminder of everything I am to you," I whisper between sobs. "You said I was fat and ugly and that I wanted to lose weight so you wouldn't call me that again."

"Lia..."

"No! Don't say anything. This is exactly what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted me to hate me as much as everyone here hates me, and by God, you succeeded! I hate the girl I let everyone turn me into. I wish she was dead already. But guess what? She's too much of a threat to take the extra pills or cut herself too deep to end her pathetic life. So I guess you were right, I am pathetic!". I cry harder, so hard it hurts to breathe. "I hate her... I hate it so much!"

He stands unexpectedly and pulls me to him, crushing me to his chest as more sobs shake my body. Now that I've started, I feel like I can't stop. So many weeks of trying to hold back the pain and suffering are slipping away from me. He pulls me tighter against him. I don't know how to feel at his show of emotion.

"Shhh, it's going to be okay. I swear to God I'll make it better, baby," he says, his voice hoarse.

"You can't! Nothing is going to make it better." I sob even harder. I just want to scream and let all the pain out. It consumes me. "I hate you as much as I hate the girl you've turned me into!". I push him away from me out of anger.

I try to put on my leggings but my body is shaking from the rage and I can't fucking do it. I let out a scream of frustration. I can't function right now.

"Let me help you," he whispers softly. I've never heard it so quiet, but I guess I'd shut up too if I had a walking skeleton in front of me. Deep exhaustion sinks in again, so I let him help me. When he finishes, I walk past him and head for the door.

I'm ready to get out of here and I have nothing more to say to him. I've bared my soul enough times in the last twenty-four hours to keep doing it, especially since I'm raw. The only thing I'm focused on is getting home and staying in bed for the rest of the school year. I don't want to go back to that horrible place anymore.

When we pull up to the hospital entrance, I pause for a second, wondering how the hell I'm going to get to his house if I don't have my phone or money on me. His arm is around my waist before I can make a move.

"I'm taking you home," he says and starts walking toward the parking lot. I try to pull away from him, but he grabs me tighter. When we reach his car, I come to a complete stop and glare at him in disgust. My heart breaks as I remember the words he said to me the last time I was in his car.

"I don't want to go home in your car. I don't want to stink it up with my smell." I let out a snap as my voice cracks and emotions threaten to choke me.