Chapter 159 Straight, or...? - Simon POV
Madison pirouettes, and I stop her turns, only lifting her slightly before putting her back down again.
"You still got it, girl, pregnant and all." I kiss her cheek, subtly checking if Miguel is looking at us.
That guy is hot as fuck, but also scary and territorial. I don't want to get my face bashed in at any time. I still can't believe timid, soft Madison was fucking Miguel Cargill all along.
Talk about fucking badass. And I always thought he was the better looking one of the Cargill brothers, the moody ones always win.
And in fact, that fucking psychopath never deserved her anyway. She may be a little reserved, but she is always kind and willing to help others, and maybe that's how he spun her into his web in the first place. He used her personality to get close to her.
She seems different with Miguel though. It's like his hardness is complimenting her softness well. She's an excellent ballerina though, and I know people have babies all the time, I just don't want her to stop dancing in her prime.
"Thanks for keeping me in practice." She sits down on the couch to take off her pointes. "I figure if I give birth naturally, I won't be out for too long, maybe two months."
I smile, happy that the two of us are thinking the same thing.
"You done?" T.J. asks from the open-plan kitchen. "Want to cool off and go for a walk?"
My heart skips a beat, the same damn skipping it's been doing for the last four nights where we go for a walk and talk about nothing and everything.
I'm treading on dangerous waters here. I'm catching feelings for a guy who I don't think is gay or bisexual. I've been down this road before with Robert. I was in love with a guy who was pressured to make me fall for him when he wasn't even gay.
How do I stop this when T.J. is the one asking me to go for a walk every night? Especially since I'm sort of relying on him by staying with him? Maybe when we go back the damn press would've stopped waiting for me on my doorstep and I can go back home, and out of T.J.'s orbit.
Tonight our walk is quiet, though, and the air feels weighted. He suddenly stops, and drops on the sand, and I join him, looking out at the tranquil ocean.
"It's beautiful here, isn't it?" T.J. is the first to break the silence.
"Breathtaking." I agree. "I understand why Madison wanted to come here away from New York. I was actually thinking of moving to San Francisco after Gregory left the company."
"Oh?" I can feel T.J.'s gaze on the side of my face. "And now? Do you still want to go?"
"I honestly don't know where to go from here." I sigh deeply. "I certainly didn't think I was ever going to be involved in a rape and drug case, and please don't tell Madison I said that. She already feels guilty over what happened to me."
The thing is, I feel like I failed myself. I was so wrapped up in the fact that a man like Robert wanted me, that I ignored all the red flags. I took the damn cocaine when it was offered to me, the free flowing drinks in the club. Nobody forced me to drink and take those drugs. I have no one to blame there but myself. I was gullible, and I fell right into Ben's trap.
"How are you feeling now? I know that the city offered counseling sessions, but if you need me to get you someone else, I can arrange that."
I meet T.J.'s grey eyes that seem genuinely concerned about my well-being. He's different than Robert, right? I mean, he doesn't want anything from me, there's nothing he can gain from me.
"It actually changed me for the better. I partied maybe a little too much, hung out with the wrong crowd." I gulp, the tenderness in his eyes becoming too much so I look back out at the ocean. "Something had to happen for me to realize I was going down a slippery slope."
"Why did you do it then?" His voice becomes more tender. "The partying?"
I shrug. "I was living the life of New York City. I come from a small town where people didn't really understand me. I was frowned upon for doing ballet with the girls. Even though my family supported me, the rest of the community shunned me. New York was just so open and free, and I could finally let loose."
Thinking back on it, I know it was probably fucking stupid. I could've thrown away my whole career, the one thing I've always been proud of.
"When did you know?" T.J.'s voice sounds scratchy, so I turn to look at him. He looks a little conflicted, sand slipping through his fingers as he just looks at it.
"Know what?"
"That you were gay."
I just look at him then. He has a strong nose, his profile stunning against the backdrop of the setting sun, but his body is strung tight.
I clear my throat, shifting my focus so I don't put too much attention on him.
"When I was a teenager. My brother was talking about girls all the time, and I agreed with him when he found one of them pretty or hot." I smile at the memory. "Only I didn't think of them as pretty in the sense that I wanted to do something sexually with them. I just admired the way they looked. Boys on the other hand, was a different story."
"What about your parents?"
"I think they always knew. My dad wasn't too happy when I came out of the closet, though, but he eventually came aroud. Why are you asking me all this, T.J.?"
"I fucking don't know." He laughs humorlessly. "I'm thirty-six years old and I always thought I was straight, asexual even. I've never really wanted a woman very badly. I had sex because I craved it, but then I was just disappointed afterward."
There goes the skipping of my heart again. What is he saying?
"Have you ever wanted to be with a man?" I'm almost too scared to know the answer to that, because that would only give me more hope that I shouldn't want.
"No." His grey eyes glisten silver when he looks at me again. "But when I look at you, I really want to kiss you."