Chapter 156 Unsure - T.J. POV
The weather in California is blissful. I definitely don't regret coming here, not when I get to see Madz and Simon laughing carefree for once while they're dancing in the living room with Valentina clapping her hands. Maybe they both needed this, getting out of the city and away from the spotlight.
Maybe I needed this.
I don't know what the hell is up with me.
Something is happening inside of me that has never happened before.
My heart rate increases every single time I see Simon smile. It damn near thunders every time he throws his head back and laughs.
I mean, he's a beautiful person. Even I can see the physical prowess he has in the way he carries his sculpted body, and the way he dances elegantly, like he is defying what the human body can do.
I have never in my life been attracted to a man. Or have I?
I have always been so busy trying to build up my security company, making sure everyone in the family is secure and safe. I have a very rigid schedule, that's just the way I was raised by my military father, because that's what he knew. Everything has a place in my life, and sometimes when I have an itch that needs scratching, I would get someone to scratch it and it is all over afterwards.
The truth is, I've never felt completely satisfied after one of these encounters.
Could it be that I'm gay? I'm in my damn thirties already. If I was, shouldn't I have had these questions a long time ago?
I've never been so confused in my whole life. I've never even questioned my sexuality. In fact, there was a time I even thought I was asexual, because there have literally never been a woman I thought I wanted to marry and have kids with. Never. I also never looked at men and thought I wanted to be with one.
Until Simon.
When I look at him, all I see is beauty and grace, and I wonder what he will look like in ten years and even twenty.
Does that mean I want him?
Like to be with him?
I'm certainly wondering what it would feel like if I kissed him.
I walk outside, before they think I'm a creep for watching them, and go to the outdoor gym where I know I'm going to find Miguel.
We've been here for two days, and for the last two days he's been spending a lot of time in the gym hitting the boxing bag like the piece of equipment has personally offended him.
Sweat is pouring down his face, and he's already ditched his shirt, his muscles straining underneath his skin. I certainly don't want to be that boxing bag.
Something is up with him. There are shadows lurking in his eyes that I've seen in my father as well. Maybe it's from his time in the Navy, or maybe it's about Ben.
He hated Ben, but maybe his death surprised him? Maybe he didn't think it would affect him in any way?
I like Miguel. I always have. And I know he would take really good care of Madison, maybe more than any other man she would ever meet, but there's something eating him up and he better get it together before their baby comes.
"You good?" I ask hesitantly when he eventually tires out and drops to the fake grass, his chest struggling to take in breath. "Man, this is your second day going at it like you're training to kill someone. Are you even allowed to do this when you were shot in the lungs?"
He holds up his gloved hands, and I help him pull it off.
"I'm fine, just miss training." He pants out.
He's lying. He's definitely not fine, I can see it in the way he's avoiding my gaze.
He's scaring me a little bit, he's like a ticking time bomb, and if I have to protect Madz even from him, then that's what I will do.
There's a slight breeze that night, and the dinner table is vibrant with laughter as Valentina tells us a story about her childhood in Columbia.
"It's so nice out, I'm gonna go for a walk." Simon announces after we clear the table.
Madz widens her eyes at me, and shakes her head to Simon's retreating back.
I frown, shrugging my shoulders.
"Go with him!" She whisper-shouts.
"Oh." I follow Simon through the side door that leads into Valentina's herb garden that has a gate to go outside to the beach.
He stops when he notices I'm following him, and there's a slight smile on his face when I catch up with him.
"Valentina is going to get me fat." He says as he resumes walking.
"I love her cooking." I chuckle. "I usually just get takeout, so I indulge too much when I get a home cooked meal."
"I noticed that." He looks at me sideways. "I can cook, you know, since I'm staying with you."
"I didn't invite you so that you should cook or clean." I tell him seriously. "You're my guest."
"I don't mind cooking, and I also have a very specialised diet, so I can't be eating takeout every day."
I sneak a peek at his body dressed in white linen pants and a matching shirt. He's sculpted, but not bulky. I know he's strong, because he catches and lifts girls effortlessly.
It's funny how I didn't find Miguel attractive earlier whose body is also sculpted and even bigger than Simon's.
"Maybe I will look like you then." I try to joke, but the tone of my voice comes out more intimate than I intended it to.
"You look great as it is." He smiles at me, his eyes quickly going over my frame before he looks ahead again.
My heart starts beating loudly in my chest. Does he find me as attractive as I find him? Is this thing I'm feeling for him mutual?
And should I dare to find out?