Chapter 100 Back to Black
I'm starting to lose weight. The only food I can remotely tolerate is the chicken noodle soup, which may not have enough calories.
I know I'm hurting myself, and ultimately I'm hurting my family too. But it's like I can't help it.
Everything feels wrong. Yesterday, I put my pointes on, and I felt like an intruder. I can see my skin, but it's like I'm not in it.
"We're going to the game on Sunday." Mom is brushing my hair. "You can see Amelia, she's doing so much better now after all the nausea. Everyone is going on Alessandro's plane so we don't need to worry about making traveling plans or anything. Imagine how happy Alonso and Dad will be if you're there."
Dad and Alonso made the Superbowl. It's fucking big. Old Madison would have been jumping in the air from happiness, but this imposter has no reaction.
Good for them.
I probably don't have a choice but to go to the game. I don't want a repeat of my mom and aunt putting me in the shower, so I'm like a robot. I do what I'm supposed to so they're not on my case.
I've completely switched my phone off, I don't want to hear from anyone. Especially not from Simon or Gregory.
This has to be Ben's endgame.
Me, destroyed.
I'm sure if he saw me now he would have a celebratory drink.
"I just... I wished you would go back to the company." Mom continues, tying my hair up into a ponytail. "Or maybe see someone, a therapist?"
How can a therapist fix me? How can they take away the blame that I should carry?
"Sure." That's my answer for everything.
If I don't answer, it's a problem.
So I go to the Superbowl with my family. I let Mom put makeup on my face and dress me up as if I was back to being a little girl. I even post my outfit on Instagram. I look better in the pictures than what I look in real life.
We lose. Dad's team fought hard, but they just couldn't get there. Alonso is devastated, he gave up a good team to start this one with Dad, but everyone tells him there's always next year. They made it all the way to the finals, and that in itself is a great accomplishment. I know my cousin, though, he will never rest until he has at least three championship rings.
After the season my parents usually go on vacation, but not this year. As soon as we get home from the championship game, they're like security guards around me, and it's even more suffocating than usual.
"We have football awards next weekend." Dad says around the dinner table. "It's in Los Angeles."
"Oh." Mom looks guiltily at him. "Is it okay if you go by yourself this year?"
My spoon drops into my soup bowl, and both their heads swivel to me.
"Please don't stay because of me, I'm not going to kill myself if that is what you're worried about."
No, I don't deserve to die, not after hurting the people I care about. I deserve to live in this agony.
"Baby girl, we didn't think that." Mom grabs my hand across the table. "I just don't want you to be by yourself."
"No offense, Mom, but I actually want to be alone right now, so can you please give me the two days to breathe?" I wipe my mouth with the napkin, and get up from the table.
I know I'm being rude and a terrible fucking daughter.
Of course Mom follows me to my bedroom.
"I'm sorry, Mom, I'll try to be better."
She takes a seat on my bed and shakes her head. "You don't have to be sorry, I understand more than you know."
"How could you possibly understand how I'm feeling?" The tears are gathering in my eyes, and I wished she would leave me alone, just for once.
Sadness flashes in her eyes, and she gulps. "I was raped when I was sixteen by my mother's boyfriend."
Grief shatters inside me, filling up my whole body.
My mother.
My beautiful, funny, overbearing mother.
Why did this happen to her? How could it happen to us? What did we do to deserve this?
"You don't have to be sorry." She holds her hand up. "And you don't have to feel bad for me. Farrah killed him, we dumped his body in a lake, and he has never been found. He got what was coming to him."
I open my mouth to say something, but then close it abruptly.
Destroy them, like they destroyed us.
Like Miguel killed that man.
She gets up again, and hugs me, kissing me softly on the cheek. "I'll go with your Dad to the awards, to give you some space. Everything we do is because we love you so very much, don't forget that."
She leaves me alone after that, because that's what I asked for, now I feel even more like shit.
I know I need to take my power back. I'm letting Ben win, I'm allowing him to ruin my life.
I try my best to be better, to do better before my parents leave the Friday.
"There is soup in the fridge." Mom tells me on Friday morning. "You can just heat it up, Farrah will probably check in tomorrow, and we'll be back on Sunday."
"I'll be fine, thank you. Enjoy yourselves, you deserve it." I give Dad an extra tight hug, grateful that I have them.
I scroll through Simon's social media pages, he hasn't posted anything, not since he was drugged.
I do actually eat, I even make myself a scrambled egg and toast. But I still don't call anyone, and I ignore the hundreds of messages on my phone.
I watch old romance movies, my heart aching every single time. I don't know why I'm even torturing myself like this, watching people fall in love and have happy endings.
I fall asleep to Pretty Woman playing in the background, not even knowing what time it is.
Everything is pitch black when I wake up to a hand clamped over my mouth, not even the television is on like I left it.
My heart gallops wildly in my chest, and for a split second I wish that I would die. That all of this will be over, but then I smell him.
Amber and musk.
The hand over my mouth is covered in black leather, and that familiar excitement starts tingling at my toes, running up my legs and arms.
And suddenly I'm alive again.
"Did you miss me?" His voice is dark, covered in sin and promises. "You don't get to run away from me mouse. Now, it's time to play."