Chapter Eighteen

Coffee couldn’t chase away the weariness that dragged on Joshua. He’d slept three hours, and he’d tossed for most of those.

They’d rotated turns watching over Claire, in case she woke and wanted any of them, not that they kidded themselves into thinking so. Still, the way she’d cried in the bed, the way her shoulders had shaken, it had torn at him.

After all the shit she’d been through, she hadn’t fallen apart. A few tears here and there, sure, but the heartbroken sobs? No. James hadn’t broken her. Running and surviving on her own hadn’t broken her. They’d broken her, though, and it made sleep impossible.

Bryce walked in, dark circles beneath his eyes as bad as Joshua’s. Seemed no one had slept. He poured himself a cup of the coffee and took two big gulps of it black.

“Is now when I say I told you so?”

Bryce turned a glare on him, setting the cup down. “Really? Is this the time for that?”

“No. It was time when I told you I didn’t think it was a good idea. Now? Now we’re past time.”

Bryce’s lip pulled up. “Don’t act like it was all me. You agreed to keep it from her for the same reasons.”

“And look where we are now.”

“We’ll get her to forgive us.”

“You think? Because I watched her cry while she fucking slept. The girl I saw last night doesn’t seem too willing to forgive anyone.”

Tension rose between them, something that rarely happened. So many years together and most things swept away without trouble, yet this? They snarled at one another.

The reason seemed obvious. Their mate slept in the other room, and they couldn’t fix it. They couldn’t fix her anger or her hurt. They couldn’t fight her, so they’d fight with one another.

“So what do you think? We could have told her from the start, then she’d have run off then. That better?”

“If we had told her, maybe she’d have listened! She wouldn’t have put herself in that danger because she’d have still trusted us. This went to shit because you didn’t trust that she’d stay.”

“So it’s my fault?” Bryce took a step forward, rolling his shoulder.

And Joshua knew it wasn’t Bryce’s fault, not really. He’d never have lied to Claire without Joshua and Kaidan agreeing, but to hell with it. Joshua wanted to blame someone, and Bryce was as good as anyone else. At least they knew they wouldn’t kill anyone else.

“Maybe you’re not as smart as you think.” Joshua came forward as well until they were nose to nose. “And now we’re all paying the price.”

“Right, just lay it all on me. Don’t take any responsibility for yourself.”

“Look at you. Do you even fucking care? You act like nothing matters, and maybe that’s right. Bet all those tears didn’t mean a thing, did they?”

And there it went. Bryce swung, nailing Joshua in the jaw, and Joshua knew damned well he deserved it.

But that was what they were for, he guessed. Who better to take out some aggression on?

Joshua tackled Bryce, and they knocked into the small table beside the wall. A roll and down went the bar stools, too. They traded blows, pulling them enough to not break bones, but they’d walk away bloodied and bruised.

“We all fucked this up,” Bryce said, catching Joshua in the ribs.

“I can’t lose her!”

They both stilled, Bryce pinning him down.

Joshua continued. “I lost one mate. I can’t lose another.”

“She’s safe. You aren’t losing her.”

“I am. I saw it in her eyes. She might still be breathing but that doesn’t mean we aren’t losing her.”

Bryce sighed and hefted himself up, then offered a hand. “We’ve been through worse than this. We’ll figure this out, too.”

Joshua took the hand and let him pull him up, wincing at the soreness already developing in his ribs. “I love her, you know? I didn’t expect that, didn’t think I’d ever find that again.”

“I know. I’ll make this right somehow, I’ll make her forgive me. Doesn’t matter what it takes. Hell, I’ll take the blame if that’s what I need to do. I’ll step back.”

Joshua wiped his forearm across his lip, blood smearing across his arm. “We both know that isn’t happening. I want to think we can fix this with Claire, but us? We’re family. No matter what else happens, we’re family, and we won’t split up.” He put his hand out.

Bryce grasped his hand and they pulled in for a quick hug before breaking apart. “You know, you fucking hit like a hammer. You’re all charm until you throw a punch.”

“You hit me first. You aren’t getting an apology.”

“Oh, like you weren’t begging me to throw a punch. You like getting people to do what you want.”

Joshua laughed, groaning at the way it pulled what had to be a split on his lip. “You’re such an asshole.”

“Really?” Kaidan’s voice had them both turning. “I leave you two alone and you destroy the house?”

The laughter died when Claire walked around Kaidan, hair braided back, gaze down. She looked at the overturned tables, at the blood and disheveled state of both men.

He expected censure. If this had happened a day before, she’d have given them a piece of her mind about the behavior. She might have had a spark of fear, facing against that sort of male aggression, but they’d have reassured her. A kiss, a few gentle words, and she’d scold them before making them clean up.

Instead, she took in the scene and turned away as if it didn’t matter. She passed them and went to the kitchen, pouring coffee.

“You want breakfast, love?” Kaidan asked.

No answer. She took the coffee and walked past them again, the click of her door loud even from down the hallway.

Joshua rubbed at the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t lose her.

A shower didn’t work to scour away the fog in her head. It washed away the scent of the men, but that didn’t help. It made her miss it, made her want to rub against them. She wanted to cover herself with their smell, to curl around it.

And that sickened her because she didn’t want to touch them. She didn’t want to hear their voices, to feel their touch, nothing.

She’d woken to Kaidan in the room, seated in a chair, legs on the bed. The moment she’d moved, he’d sat straight. Questions had fallen from his lips, that same sweet voice. ‘Do you need something? Thirsty? Hurting? We still have some pain pills.’

She’d said nothing, had no desire to. No words bubbled inside her, and silence had come easily.

In the kitchen, she’d found the scene, the evidence that Bryce and Joshua had fought. Even that hadn’t spurred anything inside her. The blood on them, the darkening skin, it had made her chest ache, but she didn’t bother to ask.

Instead, she’d gotten coffee and left them be.

They didn’t care to include her on important things, so she didn’t care to ask them questions. Why bother? They’d only lie.

Hours later, Claire left the room again, the silence in the room too much, too still. It let her dwell on her own pain, on the way her brain whirred.

The men stood around the kitchen island with another man she knew.

Kieran lifted his gaze from the papers to meet hers. His lips tipped down.

Angry at her?

She didn’t care.

Bryce spoke first. “They ran Kieran’s blood. DNA tests will take a few days, but his blood type doesn’t match what was under Jackie’s nails. He wasn’t the killer, but he’s here to help.”

“Are you expecting me to apologize?”

Kieran’s frown deepened, but he still said nothing.

Joshua didn’t answer, continuing where Bryce left off. “What do you need, sweetheart? Do you want to go to work? I’ll drive you?”

The idea of going to the shop broke her heart. She couldn’t imagine being there. Too much had changed. Before, she’d sat there with Kaidan, eating lunch. Joshua had sat across from her, his smiles and innuendos. Bryce had set up the cameras and spent an hour explaining how to use the security system, the worrier he was.

She shook her head at the pain of it all. “No. I don’t want to go there.”

“Do you want to go home? I’ll take you home if you need anything, if you want some space.” Joshua grasped for something to do, anything, like he’d offer her the whole damned world if she’d just take it.

“No. I know we’ve bonded. I have to stay.” She wrapped her arms around herself as she whispered the truth out loud for the first time. “I’ve got nowhere else to go.”

The men all shared a similar expression, one of confusion, as though they wanted to help but didn’t know how.

Worse, neither did she. She guessed that put them all in the same spot.

Claire sighed, tired again. “I think I’ll go back to bed.”

“Go outside, love. You can rest on the chaise outside. The sun and fresh air will do you good.” Kaidan offered the advice to her, voice soft but steady.

Sure. One place as the same as any other. Claire nodded, then left through the door. Maybe the sun would help her feel something.

Kieran’s growl came low and threatening. “What the hell did you do to her?”

“It’s personal.”

“We’re friends. I’ll get over your mate trying to kill me, but you do that to an omega when I’m around? I will personally end you.” The spark in Kieran’s eyes said he had no issue following through on the threats, and it reminded Bryce that while he worked in technology, Kieran had served like the rest of them. He wasn’t an alpha to fuck with.

Bryce shifted the file before him. “She’s angry. We lied to her about you, and she found out.”

Kieran nodded, though his gaze didn’t warm. “With her history, that makes sense. You got her to trust you, then ripped the rug from beneath her. Be careful with that one, though. She might look all demure right now, but I’ve stared at her from over the muzzle of a pistol. She’ll castrate you if you don’t make this up to her.”

“Well, at least she’d have to pay attention to me to do that. Might be a move up.”

Kieran huffed a laugh before turning his gaze back to the paperwork. “He hasn’t returned any phone calls, hasn’t shown back up to work.”

“So he knows?”

Kieran shrugged, shoving the page with the man’s picture on it. “He must. Maybe he’s been watching? Maybe the receptionist told him what happened? He’s always returned calls before, but now no one can find him.”

“And you’re sure it’s him?”

“It has to be. He has an office in the building, but to get to it, you don’t go through the receptionist. I did that because I didn’t want clients to have to deal with the tech guys, as they tend not to be great with people. So, there’s a back entrance, and that’s where we keep a lot of the equipment. It means the omega could come through that entrance, using his codes, and neither the receptionist nor I would have seen her. After Sam released me last night, I looked at the security videos.”

“And?”

“She came through that entrance. No one else was there at the time, so he had to have been seeing her.”

Bryce sat on the stool, still leaning over the table. “Do you think he could have done this? That he could have killed her?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I wouldn’t have thought so, but I’ve found you can’t spot monsters as well as we like to think we can. Everything says he did this. What does Sam say?”

“He says the guy looks good for it. Should have a warrant out by evening, but if the guy’s in the wind, we know they don’t have the same resources to find him.”

“And we’re going to find him.” Kieran said it with certainty.

“Why do you care so much? Us? Well, we’re still trying to get back into Claire’s good graces, but you?”

“He used my resources to stalk these women. He used my company as a front. Sam already identified a few more omega deaths in other cities where he does work. This all lies at my feet. My company, my employee, and I should have seen it sooner. That woman, Jackie, she didn’t deserve this and it happened because of me. I know you prefer doing things by the book when possible, but I can tell you now, Sam won’t have a shot at this man if I find him first.”

Bryce shook his head, almost feeling sorry for the asshole who had so many people gunning for him. “Yeah, well, get in line. It seems like there are more than a few of us who want to see him dead. Seems like Randy Harker doesn’t have much time left.”

Claire straightened the living room after Kieran left. She didn’t want to, but she’d tired of remaining still and dust lined so many of the items in the house.

The men weren’t dirty, having learned to take care of basic messes quickly and efficiently, but neither were they overly neat. Items were left out and dust piled up. After the first half-hour of work, her babysitter for the moment, Joshua, had taken his laptop to the kitchen island to pour over his laptop.

They’d tried to tell her about the news, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care it wasn’t Kieran, that it was someone else whose name she also didn’t care to know. They’d deal with it, as they’d made clear already.

Were they hoping it would buy them forgiveness?

It wasn’t about forgiveness. She wasn’t angry, just hurt, just in pain she couldn’t sort through. She’d let herself feel something she never thought she could and now her sense of comfort and strength had turned dangerous.

A knock at the door had her turning her head, but she returned to her work.

“They’re here.” Joshua smiled, as if trying to tempt her into one of their games.

Claire only used a rag on the bookshelf to remove another layer of dust.

A sigh, and Joshua answered the door. “Thanks for coming.”

A voice she recognized. Sam, the detective, the man who had finally told her the truth. “As soon as I told them where they were going, they wouldn’t have not come.”

“Well, come on in. She’s in the living room.” Footsteps came through the entryway and down the hall.

“Claire!” Karen’s excited voice hit her moments before the girl did.

No matter the pain in Claire’s chest, no matter the confusion in her head, she dropped to her knees to hug the girl to her. “Hey, kid. I missed you.”

Karen beamed a bright smile. “I told Mom we needed to come see you, but she said you were busy, and Sam said maybe later.”

“Sam?” Claire turned a suspicious eye on the man, the alpha, who stood behind Tracy. He stood taller than her, wider, like most alphas. His eyes were softer than Bryce’s, and had an almost playful side like Joshua.

Not that any of that fooled her, not anymore. It didn’t matter how nice an alpha seemed, they were never worth it.

“He’s helping us get settled,” Tracy said, voice soft.

Claire stood, Karen still wrapped around her in a hug. “I see.”

Sam offered a wave but came no closer. “We spoke on the phone.”

“Trust me, that’s a conversation I won’t forget.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I was gossiping a bit more than I should have. Bryce already gave me an earful about it.”

Joshua turned his gaze between them, as if he’d hoped for some reaction.

Instead, Claire shook her head and turned toward Tracy. “How’re you doing?”

Joshua interrupted them. “Why don’t you three go sit outside and have some privacy? Sam and I will go over some details, and I’ll bring out snacks in fifteen. Sound good?”

Tracy waited for Claire to respond, but she lacked the energy.

Instead, Claire slid her hand into Karen’s and walked through the back door, Tracy following.

Sam’s gaze didn’t leave Tracy as she followed Claire outside, the action odd on the normally easy-going detective.

Then again, Joshua had some firsthand knowledge of how instinct could affect a person, didn’t he? He’d watched Claire with the same single-mindedness well before he had any right to.

Was that what was happening?

Sam had helped with a few other omegas, though he tended to not do any real care of them. He would get them settled into a safe house and out of his hair. So what were they still doing with him?

Sam looked back at Joshua as if he’d read the question. “She needed more help.”

“How so?”

“She’d been with that alpha since she turned fifteen. The few months she’d spent alone were difficult on her. Plus, she needs some extra help with her leg.”

“Isn’t that why we have safe houses? For omegas to teach other omegas how to get along without us?”

Sam rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah, but the thing is, I think she’s still so used to having an alpha, she might just pick the first who runs across her. I don’t think she knows how to stand on her own just yet, and I’d hate to see her in the same place again.”

“Right. So this is all just you helping her, huh?”

“Fuck you,” Sam muttered. “This isn’t up for discussion any more than the state of your omega.”

“And we have you to thank for that, don’t forget.”

“Maybe next time clue me in when you’re lying to her, and I won’t accidentally tell her the truth. Say what you will about Tracy, at least the girl knows everything from the start.”

“Everything?”

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Again, fuck you.”

Joshua laughed at the insult which lacked heat before going into the kitchen to throw together some sandwiches. Claire hadn’t eaten, refusing anything but coffee. Tracy would get her to eat, and Joshua was nothing if not manipulative. He was fine with the presence of the other women forcing Claire to eat something, so long as she did it.

“Any word?”

Sam came into the kitchen, waving off Joshua’s offer of a sandwich. “Nothing new. Seems like Randy has gone underground. Kieran is working on finding him, but it’ll take a bit of time. No DNA to run against, so we won’t know for sure until we find him. This is the part of police work that’s the worst, the waiting.” His gaze went outside, and didn’t return before he spoke again. “What’s it like?”

“I thought we weren’t talking about them.”

“Come on, just tell me.”

Joshua put lunch meat onto the sandwiches, sighing. “It was good. It’s been a long time since I had something of my own like that, since I felt like I wanted something as much as I want her. Now? Well, as you can see, not so good.”

“Do you think they can ever really heal?”

“We’ve saved enough, I have to think they can.”

“We like to think that, but fuck, you’ve seen what I have. We’ve seen so many who don’t make it, so many who just stop living, who just give up until they fade away. I see those shadows in Tracy’s eyes when she watches me, like she’s just waiting for me to haul off and hit her. I see it in her kid, too. Makes me wonder if those things ever go away, if they ever really can move on, or are the wounds too deep?”

Joshua closed the sandwiches, tossing a handful of chips onto each plate. “Tracy tell you much about Claire?”

“No. She’s been tight-lipped there, telling me all I need to know. Claire’s the one who helped her, right?”

“Yeah. She had a past a lot like Tracy, a lot like too many omegas from what I’m seeing, but she picked herself up. She turned all that pain into strength. I saw her face down Tracy’s mate to get Tracy and the kid out. I saw her ready to kill Kieran when she thought he’d killed her friend. We’ve seen the worst when it comes to omegas. We’ve seen them beaten down, but you know what? I’ve seen the best of them, too. I’ve seen what they can be and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you should never count out an omega, and that we should be on our knees grateful they don’t treat us the way we treat them, because if they wanted to?” Joshua set the plates on his arm, balancing the three. “Well, we’d be fucked.”

Karen sat on the ground by Claire and pulled out a pack of chalk. She held them up a grin across her lips that reminded Claire of how resilient children could be. “Sam got these for me. He said there’d be a place to use them here.”

“He must have been here before,” Tracy said, folding her legs in front of her as she sat on the chair to the side of Claire and Karen. “I think he’s friends with Bryce, Joshua and Kaidan.”

Claire pointed a little ways over. “Sweetheart, why don’t you draw over there? There’s more room and better light.” And more distance so she and Tracy could speak without the young girl overhearing.

Karen offered a long-suffering sigh that said she knew exactly why they’d sent her away, but still did as told. She knelt on the ground, large chalk piece in her hand, and began to color.

“How is she?” Claire softened her voice to keep it between them.

“She’s okay.”

“Did you tell her about her father?”

“Yeah. She needed to know. In fact, she slept through the night after that, like she could actually sleep since she knew he wouldn’t be coming, since she knew he wouldn’t wake us up in the middle of the night.”

“I’m sorry about him. I mean, I understand the relief, but it hurts, too. Losing a mate always hurts.” She still remembered that sting when James had died, something deep and primal, like a broken bone. Happy or not, free or not, it still hurt. Instinct had a hell of a sense of humor.

“It’s okay. I’m not sorry, but it feels strange, like I’m adrift. When we were hiding, it didn’t feel like this. Then it was just survival, and I knew he was out there, but now? Now there’s this…” She hesitated. After a moment, she said, “Freedom. There’s this freedom, and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

Ah, Claire remembered that, too. The entire world opening up. “When I ran after James’ death, it was the weirdest thing. Before that, the whole world had been the house. I rarely was allowed out, so my world was tiny. It was him and the house and that was it. Then, after he died, it grew impossibly larger. I was suddenly in charge of myself, of all my choices. What did I want to eat? Where did I want to go? What life did I want?”

“It’s scary. I thought I’d like it. When I dreamed about it, when I pictured it at night before, I thought it would be amazing.”

Claire reached out to set a hand on her knee and offer a squeeze. “I know. It is scary, though. Before you were just reacting, just surviving. Now? Now you get to live, but that’s scary. It’s different and it’s big and you don’t know what to expect.”

Tracy twisted, her gaze looking in through the glass patio door, landing on Sam whose back was to her. “No, I guess you don’t know what to expect.”

Losing another? Claire didn’t bother to say a word. Who was she to give advice? What did she know? Look where she’d gotten herself more than once. No matter how many times she told herself or others that it wasn’t worth it, it seemed they’d forever be drawn to alphas, to the very thing they had more reason to fear than any other.

“I never got to thank you,” Tracy said.

“No need.”

Tracy turned and caught Claire’s hand that time, squeezing it softly to silence her. “There is. You gave me the courage to run in the first place, and no matter what else happens, that’s important. You let me show my daughter that strength, helped me show Karen what she’s capable of, too. If it wasn’t for you, he’d have killed me. If not the night you saved me, than any other one. I know none of this went to plan, but I’ll never be able to thank you for what you did, for me and Karen.”

Claire fought the stinging in her eyes that said tears wanted to fall. She wasn’t sure she had anymore, anyway. Instead, she squeezed back then let go. “Someone once did that for me. Someone helped me realize what I was capable of. You want to thank me? Make sure you pass it on, make sure you do whatever you can to help someone else. Lord knows we’re on our own otherwise.”

Tracy nodded and leaned back. “I was surprised to hear you were here.”

Subtle.

“Yeah, so am I.”

“You’re not—”

Claire shook her head. “No. I can leave anytime I want.”

“So why haven’t you? You don’t exactly look happy. I mean, the night when everything happened, before they took you to the hospital, I saw you. I saw you as that alpha carried you out, and you looked content at least. What happened?”

“I was wrong. I didn’t take my own advice. I tell omegas that their feelings lie to them, that they can’t trust them. You see alphas and you are biologically programmed to want them, but it’s a lie. Well, I didn’t listen. I let myself believe it until I bonded to them and by the time I realized my mistake? Well, it’s too late.” Claire sighed, then leaned forward, elbows on her knees. “Don’t mistake me, though. They’re not like your mate was, like mine was. They aren’t evil, and they don’t hurt me. I just thought I’d found partners. I’d thought I found people who saw me as an equal, as something more than just something for them to own. I thought they respected me. Turns out I was wrong about that.”

“Maybe—”

“No. There’s no maybe here. I’m too old to run again, and this time? This time I was stupid enough to actually bond with them, so I’m stuck. No, I made my bed here. I made the mistake and I’m stuck. It’s not even that that hurts so much. I think, it’s the loss. It’s the fact I’d really thought I mattered to them. I really thought all those stupid fantasies that I’d sworn off before might happen. I think it’s losing that that kills me the most, realizing I didn’t have what I thought I did.”

“You do matter to me.” Joshua’s voice drew Claire’s gaze up to see plates of food in his hands and sorrow across his face.

Sorrow didn’t matter. He was only sorry she’d found out, sorry that he didn’t have that willing omega he’d wanted.

Claire didn’t acknowledge the statement and turned her gaze to Karen instead, who still worked on her drawing. Ah, she envied kids. Able to compartmentalize everything, to just draw when everything around them burned to the ground.

Joshua set the plates down on the table, crouching beside Claire when he did so. “We will talk about this later, sweetheart.”

“Whatever you say,” she offered back. It wasn’t even snark. She was too tired to fight, so if he wanted to talk until he was blue in the face, that was up to him. He could talk, but she wouldn’t believe a word that came from his lips.

She’d learned her lesson.