I knew it to myself that I was a bomb; silent, unnoticed, but when the time was up, or exposed or triggered—everyone around will be wounded from the outburst—even die from the explosion. I knew it very well, of course. I was the bomb. The ticking was inside me, and the trigger would always be him.
Levi is my weakness as well as my daughter. If I was the one who planted the bomb inside me, he gave the bomb to be planted. No one deserved the explosive. No one deserve to be hurt, wounded or die with me. Especially a guy who would do his best to make the ticking bomb stop—but couldn’t — and how I wished he could.
"Lumiere?" His voice is low and soft from the other side.
He was knocking on the door for how many minutes but I didn't move a single muscle.
"Lumiere," then he called me again.
I looked up and saw a hook. Five years ago, I was tempted to put a rope around my neck. Finding out about my brother’s death and hearing how my mom cried that time is still killing me up to this day. Later on, my mom gave up and took her life also— left me nothing but my own. My mind is full of different voices. Now that the surrounding was silent, no shouts or cries, just the beating of my heart, I got tempted again.
But of course, I couldn’t do it. I was too scared to feel the burning hurt again. From that moment, I suddenly forgot about my Asteria and let the dim light ate me again.
“Lumiere, I’m sorry,” said the voice outside.
After what happened to the hospital the other day, I was so scared to go outside. It's been two days since I haven't got out of the Casa. I know that my daughter is already looking for me but I’m too scared to go outside and let her see me like this. Every time this thing attack me, I don't want other people to see me. Especially the two of them.
I was a black hole, sucking the happiness away. But who would be happy after what happened, right?
Shame on Levi who wanted to be sucked by my black hole. Shame on me for letting Levi’s happiness be drained by my stupid black hole. I can still feel how I do regret when I said those words to him. I told him those words like I was already given him up just like before but every time I remember how his parents insulted my daughter, I feel like I am dying repeatedly.
I closed my eyes. The tears were nowhere, I stayed still. I didn’t mean to tell him that. And I was sure Levi is blaming himself for the outburst. He kept saying sorry and I kept hurting.
Every sorry from him felt like a knife stabbing my heart.
Another knock and I heard another voice outside. After a minuted has passed, the other finally open.
Fuck that door. Why they did even invented a spare keys?
“Lumiere?” Levi called.
I stayed still on the bed. I am covered with a blanket, curled up like a baby, wanted to get sleep but my mind was drowning from dark thoughts.
Levi sat on the bed. His touch on my arm, eventhough I am covered by a blanket, made my heart a lot heavier.
“Let’s talk, baby, please. Don't do this,” he started.
I forced my eyes to remain closed.
“I’m sorry. I talked to mom and… ah, fuck it. I’m sorry, baby, please…”
I wanted to shout ‘stop saying sorry’ but my lips couldn’t move. We were silent for a few minutes. I heard my heartbeat crashing. I heard Levi’s heavy breathing.
“I’m sorry… I know how exhausted you are but please… if you’re tired, then let me be our strength now. Please… we can’t give this up,” he uttered that made everything in me heavier than ever.
I didn’t say a word. I don’t know what to say. I just feel empty and not wanting to talk about it. Not now. I don't want to make a decision now. This is so hard. I fucking can't.
Later on, Levi stood up. When he stood up, the bed felt lighter but my feelings went heavier. I overheard the door closing and opened my eyes, tears started to fall after the room became empty and dark again; like what I was feeling. I bit my lips to control my emotions and closed my eyes again.
Too tired to think, I drifted to sleep.
I suddenly woke up when I heard a thud outside of the room.
"Mommy, let's eat," I heard Ria shouted from outside.
I firmly closed my eyes because of that.
I sat up, my head was swirling. I want to cry again when I suddenly remember what Auntie Criselda has said about my daughter again.
I stopped myself from breathing. Every beat of my heart hurts. I tried to stand up and I almost fell. I can feel how hurt my leg is when I tried to take a step but I continued walking towards the door. When I finally open the door, my daughter and her dad showed up to my face. Ria signaled me to take her.
“I missed you, mommy,” Ria whispered to me so I hugged her. I can feel that Levi is staring at me intently.
We went to the living room. I was surprise when I saw his dad and mom. They are complete on the dining table and looks like they are just waiting for me. I even saw how Auntie Criselda looks at me with full of hatred.
Tito Saldy is on his way to recovery and we’re all glad! His memory is slowly going back to normal except the fact that my mom is not his wife.
“It’s not nice to see you, Rae. After everything that I've said to you,you still have so much courage to be eating here with us," Auntie Criselda started.
"Mom, please, stop it. Not in front of my daughter," Levi firmly said to his mom but she didn't even flinch. She even smirk while his dad is still silent on the other side of the table.
I firmly close my eyes and look at my child who's eating silently. She's enjoying her food.
Everyone started eating. No one dared to speak again. I almost did not swallow what I had eaten because I still feel the pain in my chest.
After almost an hour, before I could stand up and get away from everyone, before I explode, Auntie Criselda lit the fire again.
“Why are you still here? Your family is the reason why my husband turned to be like this,” she firmly said to me.
I quickly turned to my daughter and my eyes immediately searched for the maid. When I saw this, I let my daughter go first and took her to the living room.
Levi held my hand.
“Mom, stop it. Astraea is not to blame for your past so don't make us feel like that!” Levi almost shouted but his mom remain firmed.
“I just want her to know her place, son. He doesn't fit in here. You don't understand me because you are not in a position— ”
“I fucking understand everything, ma, but we have nothing to do with it. My daughter is Asteria and my daughter’s mother is not really an opportunist! Don’t push me to the limit, please,” Levi uttered.
Aunt Criselda laughed. It hurt my ear so I winced.
“You don't know what you're talking about. Of course, you will say that because you love her that much, but I want you to know that you’re not going to marry an opportunist like her,” his mom said emphatically to him.
I could feel the tightness of his grip on my hand as I could hear his curses. I was so empty to feel anything. I can no longer feel anything.
I let go of Levi's hold on me. Before I left there, I had already spoken.
“I am not an opportunist. I need dignity more than wealth,” I told them reluctantly. Leaving everyone, even Levi, in the living room.
I, again, lay down on the bed and curled up in my blanket. I stayed like that, drifting in and out of sleep.
With my eyes open, I stared at the blackness of darkness. I'm tired of talking. I was also tired of standing up. I just wanted to get away again with my daughter, ran away, like what I did before, but I was too tired of everything.
I can still hear Auntie Criselda’s voice inside my head. I clutched my blanket. I tried not to let tears fall, but it was too late. Tears continued to flow as I closed my eyes. I want to sleep but the voices in my head don’t let me.
My whole being was shaking with anger but all I could do was curl in my bed and let the fucking tears fall. Of course, I was freaking angry. I hated this situation and the only thing I can choose is to ran away instead of staying here. Fuck them for making me like this without any option!
The burn healed years ago, for fuck’s sake, but the scar was still there, letting me know that Levi and his family is a part of my shattered self. Of my blood and flesh.
My stay in States was a breathe of fresh air. I didn’t think there was the problem with my daughter’s father and the family it had. I went home thinking I could breathe because of Levi.
Late at night, I went out of the room and decided to go out of the house. I went to the back of the house and stared at the dark surroundings. I remember what happened and what she said earlier and how Levi defended us to his own parent. I felt a pang in my chest.
I didn’t look back when I heard the door close and open. I could also feel Levi’s presence at my back, my heart is racing.
We stood there; silence covering us, and the breathing was getting hard again. It was a simple inhale and exhale but how can something be simple if every move was hurting me, dragging the process?
“I don’t want to talk to you about it but I should. I know, I should.” His voice made me winced. The lightness is refreshing.
“We’re both lucky to have you and I’m so thankful I get to know you. It’s okay to feel sad and upset and I’m so sorry about that, so please, let me hold you while you were crashing.”
Levi started talking. I listened and kept silent.
"Baby," Levi nudged me after the minute of talking, neither of them understood anything.
Levi sighed. "Let me fight for us while you're taking a rest," he uttered.
Levi’s smile faded. He turned to me to let us face each other. It bent down to catch my gaze but I firmly closed my eyes to avoid it.
“Don’t leave me, please. I will fix everything and continue our wedding,” he added again. I could feel his persistence.
Awakening of my eyes, Levi’s eyes were closed, his hand scratching his head. I wanted to hold him but it felt like my touch was fatal and he’ll die with me if I did.
I saw his heavy breathing when he said, “I promised to take good care of you especially your heart the moment I saw you. I know sorry will never be enough but please, you can rest and let me fight while waiting for you to be okay. Don’t give up on us, Lumiere.”
I wanted to cry for my heart was crashing me inside but I stood still, legs wobbling. I made an effort to stand up; to not Levi see my weakness.
“We’re a team here. Our problem is our enemy, not us, not each other — oh, god, I fucking love you and I’m so sorry for making you feel like this.”
My heart sank. I suddenly felt like I am drowning. I wanted to scream, Levi, help, but I can’t. The burning feeling inside of me is slowly killing me. I want him to hold me while I was crashing but I don’t want him to feel what I’m feeling right now because I know how it hurts. I know how hard it is.
“Let’s go somewhere far away from here. Only you, me, and our Asteria. I won’t leave you like this, I can’t, Rae. Please,” he uttered before hugging me.
I also can't do this, Levi. Please... help me.