Chapter 15—Joshua

It took a while for Alessandra to calm down, but I had to stop hugging her when Danny got tired of being squished between the two of us, and let out a wail of protest. I pulled back. Alessandra’s face was full of tears, and her eyes and the tip of her nose were puffy. I looked down at the baby she held in her arms, who was wildly swinging his closed fists.

“Sorry, little guy,” I murmured. “Am I hurting you?”

He went quiet as he looked up at me. Then he put a fist into his mouth and gurgled as he stared at me with wide, blue eyes that reminded me of my own.

This is my son, I thought and felt a little overwhelmed.

“Would you like to hold him?”

I looked up at Alessandra. She was managing a smile for me, though it was shaky around the edges. I hesitated, but I was curious. So I nodded.

“You’ll have to sit down first,” she said. “It can't be comfortable, kneeling on the floor like that.”

“Now that you mention it,” I said with a grimace.

I went to get off my knees, and there was a little ache, but it was easy enough to brush off. Alessandra shifted, so she was in the middle, giving me a room in the corner of the couch to sit down. I held my arms out for Danny and froze.

“Um, how exactly do I hold him?”

She blinked. “Just…give him support from underneath? He’s older now, so it’s a little easier. Just…”

Alessandra didn’t seem to know how to explain and held Danny out to me. I tried to copy how she had her arms and hands positioned. Once I had him in my arms, she readjusted my hold.

“You’re crap at this, you know,” she said with a chuckle. “Why is that? I saw you holding Wendy’s baby, and you did that just fine.”

I gave her a sour look. “That was my cousin’s kid, and this is my son. I’m a little nervous, Alessandra.”

It was like all the knowledge I’d gotten, being around Wendy and her kid just disappeared into thin air. Wendy had shown me all of this and asked me enough times to accompany her in looking after my little cousin that I became comfortable with it, and yet it still felt new. Because the child I was now holding in my arms was mine, birthed by the woman I loved.

It was a lot of pressure.

He’s so small, and warm.

In a way, it felt like being there for the birth of Wendy’s baby. I had been just as nervous, just as green back then. Only, the child in my arms had his eyes opened and stared at me the whole time as if he was curious about who I was.

“Why don’t I leave you two lovebirds alone?” Wendy said.

I turned to her with a frown, though Alessandra spoke before I did.

“You don’t have to leave, Wendy. This is your house, after all. Besides, don’t you want to be close by to witness your handy work?”

She chuckled. “Well, honestly, I was thinking of moving somewhere out of sight and listening in to your conversation, because it would be a shame if you got this far and still didn’t resolve things between you two. Not to mention frustrating.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’ve made your point, Wendy. We’re talking this out, so no need to keep fretting. You can stay where you are, but try not to butt in, okay?”

She stuck her tongue out at me, and I sighed.

Still, even though I told her she could stay to listen in, since I didn’t know what else to say, and neither did Alessandra it seemed, there was a long silence in the living room.

It was just getting awkward when Alessandra sucked in an audible breath.

“You…heard what I said before, right?” she asked, tentative. “Just how much did you hear?”

I pursed my lips. I’d come to Wendy’s house from the office because I realized I was falling into old patterns. When things bothered me, I tried to think about them, and when I couldn’t stand to, I wanted to bury them. I was supposed to be giving Alessandra space, but I missed her and wanted to see her, and knowing I couldn’t, I immersed myself in work.

Wendy stopping by my office on several occasions was the wake-up call I needed, but I ended up on her doorstep today because I was tired of waiting for a response that wasn’t fast enough for me and I needed advice.

I had told myself that I would talk to Alessandra right after I spoke to Wendy about my decision, only to be surprised when I opened the door and heard the two of them talking.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop or anything,” I muttered, slightly embarrassed. “I just heard you talking and didn’t want to startle either of you. You didn’t seem to notice I was there, either, but I couldn’t keep staying still when you looked like you were crying.”

“Did you hear a lot of it?” she asked, voice small.

I hedged. “I heard enough.”

There was another lengthy silence. Alessandra kept shifting beside me. She was looking straight ahead, as I glanced at her out the corner of my eye. She seemed to have lost her voice, so I decided it was my turn this time.

“It was Rachel, wasn’t it,” I said, matter-of-factly. “Her and my mother, the reason you ran and hid from me the first time. You were afraid of the both of them.”

She ducked her head, her hands fidgeting together, shoulders hunching in as if she wanted to make herself smaller.

“I’m a little ashamed of myself, honestly, now that I think back. If I had just talked to you, this wouldn’t have been so blown out of proportion. I acted like I didn’t trust you, with all the years we’ve had together.”

“It was my fault for not calling you, too,” I said, trying to take some of the blame. “After all, a relationship has two people in it. I didn’t want to bother you while you were working so hard at school, but I shouldn’t have completely shut you out, either.”

She looked up and met my eyes, biting down on her lip. I wanted to reach out and hold her, to wrap my arm around her shoulders and tell her it would be okay, but I was holding Danny in my arms, and I had zero confidence I could carry him comfortably with one arm.

“Still, I robbed you of your own son’s first months over my fears,” she murmured.

“That isn’t your fault,” I said, shaking my head. “Never think that what you feel is stupid. It may look a little different in hindsight, but the emotions were real, or you wouldn’t have walked out on me as you did. And to be honest, I never should have let any of it happen in the first place. I should have been firmer with both my mom and Rachel.”

“But you didn’t know,” she defended.

“But I should have guessed,” I countered. “You knew mom wanted me to marry Rachel, and I still spent time with her in front of you, and without you, while you knew that. I expect you to have full trust in me, but that still wasn’t right. I should have drawn clear boundaries so you wouldn’t for a moment think I could replace you with anybody.”

That had been stupid on my part. I managed to do both, but it could have all been too late.

After my talk with Rachel, she had gone crying to my mom, who had then called me. It was the same old thing she kept saying before, only instead of sweeping it all under the rug; I confronted her about it. Her scheming almost cost me something precious. Of course, she had stopped entirely when I told her she was a grandmother, and she had nearly missed out on meeting her first grandson.

“I want another chance to make things right, Alessandra,” I continued. “I did hear you say that you would do so, but I wouldn’t mind hearing you say it to me. I was confused at that time, and I was hurting and stressed about everything that was suddenly thrust on my shoulders. I let Mom dominate me, and I didn’t speak against her, because she was hurting just as much as I was. That was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.”

She smiled. “Why are you the one apologizing? I have way more to apologize for.”

Like she knew how badly I wanted to touch her, she shifted closer to my side, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, holding onto my arm with her other hand. She laid her head on my shoulder.

“If you’re asking me for another chance, the answer is okay. But can I ask for the same? As long as we take things one step at a time.”

I chuckled and leaned my head against hers.

“Okay,” I said readily. “And I don’t have a thing against one step at a time. It’s just perfect for us.”