Chapter 12—Alessandra

I watched as Wendy got inside the car, with both our sons in the back of it, and drove off. Joshua was only a few feet away from me, and my body was stiffening up once more with tension as we were left alone.

The automatic gates opened for Wendy’s car, and as they closed behind her, I felt something ominous in the metallic clang.

“Shall we go back inside?”

I knew he was right there, but when he talked, I still jumped. I shot a glance at him before looking away.

Fuck. I’m entirely acting guilty here!

I was feeling guilty, though.

After realizing that his relationship with Rachel hadn't changed much that time I stopped by his office, I had been confused. I wasn’t sure what I should feel, or what I should do. My heart wanted one thing, but my mind was intent on being cautious. So while I didn’t ignore him entirely, I didn’t reach out to him first in the past several days.

“Alessandra?”

I startled again, having lost myself in thought. I whirled around without looking at him and entered the house. He walked inside behind me, and I heard the door close.

I want to run away.

There was no way I could face Joshua just yet; I didn’t think I was ready. Even worse, he saw Danny. I tried to make sure he wouldn’t see Danny’s face.

Why did I let Wendy talk me into bringing Danny here, to begin with, I groaned internally.

Receiving the call had not been a surprise. While I was minimizing contact with Joshua, I was not doing the same with Wendy. The invite to her place came out of nowhere, but because I thought she needed help, I didn’t want to tell her no. Then she’d told me I might as well bring my son and look after the two children together, so I could stick around longer without worrying about my son. I hadn't been convinced of it at first, but Wendy assured me she had two or more of everything bought for her baby, and she didn’t mind me borrowing it.

So, after some thinking, I thought it would be fine. I didn’t expect for her to call Joshua here out of the blue, and then run off with both our kids in her newly bought double stroller.

Dammit, Wendy. What am I going to do with you?

While I was exasperated, I wasn’t mad at her. Wendy didn’t do things to be selfish. The moment she saw Danny when I arrived, she’d told me she would have figured out who the father was even if I hadn't told her. Then, somehow, she got me to spill about my insecurities and second-guessing.

I knew this was her way of telling me to choose before I let it consume me, but I was still a little annoyed that she couldn’t have just warned me.

Though to be fair, if she had, I might have tried to run, but it’s not like I could have anyway, with two children to look after.

“Would you like something to drink?” Joshua offered. “Wendy always keeps a supply of juice in her fridge; she should have several flavors.”

His footsteps headed for the kitchen, and while I was a little happy at the short reprieve so I could collect myself, it did nothing to lessen the apprehension. Because I knew, whether I liked it or not, that this was something that was going to happen.

A part of me was resigned. I would have told him already if I hadn't met Rachel at his office, but his deserving to know and my wanting him to know hadn't changed. I was just worried about what this would mean for my son and me.

“Just bring me any,” I called after him, deciding I felt a little thirsty.

Some minutes later, Joshua walked back into the living room. He held two glasses of juice. I didn’t meet his gaze as he kept one out to me. I took a sip and sighed as the cold, mango flavored drink went down my throat. It did calm my nerves just a little, so I made some more.

“Come and sit down,” he said.

I did as he said automatically, sitting on the couch. He sat on the single seat right next to the sofa and set his juice down. After taking a couple more sips, I held my glass on my lap.

“You act as if this is your place,” I said, trying to smile as I finally looked up.

Joshua’ expression told me he wasn’t in the mood for the humor.

“Alessandra, do you not want to be here?” he asked, suddenly.

My eyes widened, my mouth dropped open. I couldn’t answer, because really, I would have said yes when I knew I shouldn’t. This talk had to happen, sooner rather than later. In fact, it was already more than a year late. I knew that, but I was so afraid. If not for the fear, I would have told him the moment it I found out, only I knew he would tell his family, and I wanted nothing to do with any of them back then because I was angry and devastated.

It was different now.

“Please don’t expect me to answer that,” I said after a moment. “It’s a loaded question, Joshua. I know this is a set up by your cousin, I’m not dense or anything.”

His eyes narrowed. “Yeah, I figured it out, too. What I want to know, is why she felt it was even necessary to do something like this? Did something happen that I’m not aware of? I thought we were getting along really well, and then this happened out of nowhere.”

I ducked my head down, took another sip of my juice.

So he still hasn’t figured it out?

I didn’t say anything, and after a long moment of silence, he heaved a heavy sigh. There was a rustling sound, and I looked to find him loosening his tie to undo the first two buttons of his shirt. Then, he picked up his juice and drank down half the glass.

Our eyes met, and the intensity in his stopped me from looking away again.

“Fine,” he said. “You don’t have to answer that, but if I ask you about Danny, you’re at least going to tell me about him, aren’t you? Like, about how you lied you were just his nanny and not his mother? Or better yet, would you tell me who the father is?”

Question after question spilled out of his mouth, but my mind was already going blank; I felt numb. His expression was very steady, and he didn’t even bother to hide it.

“You know…” I let out in a whisper.

Joshua nodded. “Yes, Alessandra, I know that Danny is my son.”

I blinked at him several times in shock. I hadn't expected this. There I was, all nervous for the big reveal, and he already knew.

When did he find out? Since the beginning? Or…

He must have seen the shift in my expression because he spoke up quickly.

“If you think Wendy told me anything, you’re mistaken, but I’ll take that expression to mean you told my cousin about this before you even told me.”

My expression immediately shifted from suspicious to guilty. Why was it, that I could hide my pain so he wouldn’t see it, but he could see everything else on my face as if I were an open book? Or was it that he didn’t expect to see it, so he didn’t?

“How long have you known?” I asked after a minute, my voice quiet.

Was it since the beginning? I thought. When we met at the park, and I thought he didn’t see, maybe did see Danny and recognized him? Besides today, it was the only other time the two of them had been close together. I was careful not to mention the child’s name every time he asked about my ‘job’ as a nanny. Or did I give myself away in some other form? It was possible.

Crap, did he taste the milk that time in the limo when I thought I stopped it?

“It makes no difference, does it?” Joshua retorted. “All that matters is I know, Alessandra, and no one told me about it. I figured it out myself.”

I frowned at him, but after a second thought, decided it didn’t matter. I did feel a little ashamed that he could have been going along with my lie the whole time while knowing it was a lie.

“So, since you already know, what else is there to talk about?”

“You left me,” he said. I tilted my head, confused. “I want you back, Alessandra,” he added.

I stalled for a sec, then quickly shook my head.

“No,” I refused.

There was no way. He had asked too quickly, and right then, I didn’t even need to think about my answer. I already had reservations, and learning that he knew all along and didn’t tell me before wasn’t helping matters. Besides, the thing with Rachel was still so damn fresh, and the worst part was that he didn’t seem to realize it was even a problem.

If he couldn’t recognize the problem, what happened last time would happen again. Only we had a child between us now, so even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be free of him.

“Why not?” he asked calmly.

I opened my mouth but had to pause to put my thoughts together. He already knew my big secret, should I tell him about his mom and Rachel?

But does he not know, or is he just ignoring it? And how the hell can he act so damn calm!

Whichever it was didn’t matter, though.

“It’s for the best, Joshua,” I said, my voice firm.

“Weren’t things getting on fine between us recently?”

“That is one thing, and this is another thing. I wouldn’t mind being friends with you.” Thought it would be a lot easier for me emotionally to just cut all ties with you.

“But anything more than that wouldn’t be good for either of us, Joshua. Not now.”

“Then when?” he snapped. “And the best for whom? I don’t see why we can't just be together. You still care for me as I do for you, we have a son together, Alessandra.”

“None of that means we have to be together, though,” I pointed out.

He looked like he wanted to argue, and he fisted his hands on his knees. But in the end, he blew out an explosive breath and picked up his juice to drink down the rest of it. I looked down at my glass and took a few more sips. It was still half full.

“Fine, then,” he said after a moment. “You don’t have to be with me if it’s not what you want. But even if you don’t want me, I still want access to my son. I’m allowed to have that much, aren’t I?”

His tone was sarcastic, and it made my chest ache. I wanted to tell him that I never intended to keep his son away from him forever, but would he even believe me if I said it?

My eyes stung with tears. I didn’t want him to see me cry, so I drank up what was left of my juice, set the glass on the table, and stood up.

“I’m leaving,” I said, not looking at him. “I’ll call Wendy and ask where she is so I can pick Danny up. I’ll see you later, Joshua.”

He stood up as well. “Won't you at least give me an answer before you leave?” he said, exasperated. “Do I have to look for you again, or are you going to talk to me?”

I picked up my purse, then turned to look at him over my shoulder.

“You and Rachel are good together,” I said, my voice hard.

He scowled. “Don’t tell me it’s about that.”

Shit. Did he figure it out, now?

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Alessandra, please tell me that you’re not worried about Rachel. Because if that’s the only problem you ever had with me, I might get mad.”

“And what of it?” I retorted, defensive.

For a moment, he was speechless. Then, he did look mad.

“I’m going to tell you what I’ve told my mom countless times. I’ve known Rachel for a while, and I do consider her a friend, but nothing is going to happen between her and me. And you, Alessandra, you know I’m going to stick to it so that I can be a stubborn bastard.

“So you knew your mom wanted you to marry Rachel instead of me?” I said, surprised.

“Of course I knew, she told me, and I refused every time. I talked to Rachel about it, and she said she was okay with it. She wouldn’t mind going along with my mom, because we know each other and we do get along. But I don’t have any romantic feelings for her, and I don’t think I ever will.”

I bit my lip. Could I believe him? He might say that he talked to Rachel, and she was okay with it, but she was not. No friend, not even a close one, would have grabbed his arm in front of someone they knew he was in a relationship with. She wouldn’t have acted so close to him before, either, if she took our relationship seriously.

He thought he got it, but he didn’t. Rachel lied, but she had always been pushing me aside from the moment she met me as Joshua’ girlfriend.

“Alessandra,” he said, his voice quieter, almost pleading. “I don’t know where you got the idea from in the first place. If I made you think that way, then I will apologize as many times as you want. But Rachel and I are not as good as we are, and you need to stop fighting it. Because there’s only so long I can be the only one fighting for what we both want before I get tired of it.”

I stood still, not looking at him, feeling conflicted. Had… I just been acting stupid the entire time? There was a part of me that wanted to take his words as truth, jump into his arms and say yes to everything. But that would be careless.

Nothing had been solved just yet.