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She finally tossed the shovel aside and placed the fawn into the grave, her chest so tight and full she could only take shallow breaths. “There you go.
Nice and snug.”
Thunder rolled in the distance and the wind and rain picked up, cold where it hit her cheeks. Lexi ran her hand over the rain-slicked fur of the animal’s neck, then set to work with the shovel again, every movement quicker than the last because she couldn’t stand the sight of it, half-covered in mud. Deer were considered stupid animals but would the mother miss it? Feel its loss.
She hadn’t felt the baby move but— Lexi shut down her thoughts but it was too late. The pain came, fast, stabbing, stealing what was left of her breath. When the last shovel of dirt was in place, she turned to go back to the house and the soothing tea she’d left behind, but along the way the light from her flashlight caught a gleam of red.
Daniel had towed her car up the driveway to the house so that he could rush to the hospital. He’d put it behind the shed where it still sat. Tyler had just recently told her that Daniel would be by to get the vehicle and take it for scrap parts but right now, it mocked her, visible from beneath the tarp.
Lexi stared, uncaring that the rain beat down and soaked her hair and coat, ignoring the thunder blooming louder, closer. Wind tore through the trees around her, but the storm was nothing compared to the one that raged within her. How could this happen? Why?
Unbidden, her shaky legs carried her toward the carport where she pulled the canvas off the hood, off the car entirely. As she stared at that bright red paint, a different kind of red appeared in her mind. Red on white linen, on white leather seats.
She didn’t remember dropping the flashlight or lifting the shovel, but as another big boom exploded overhead and the skies opened up, she hit the car as hard as she could. Her hands went numb when the handle vibrated from the blow but she did it again. And again. Again.
What did it matter? The car was ruined.
What happened to a woman who didn't want her children. She moaned, the sound raw. She’d said that. Called it a mistake. She’d actually said that about her baby. Her baby.
Lexi staggered and stared over to where the fawn lay in the too-small grave. Images flashed through her head. That night she arrived in Olkfield. The day they found out she was pregnant. Her wedding day. The trip to see Tyler in Olkfield. The bright spot of red.
The baby was gone. Tyler was gone. Gone, because she hadn’t wanted it.
Gone, because she’d pushed him away and because she was too afraid to hope and dream and trust. She stared at the car, at her ruined dreams, her father’s words echoing in her head. “What did I do?” Her chest squeezed tighter, harder. “What did I say?”
She closed her eyes, the pain too much, ripping her apart, shattering her from the inside. “Oh, God, why. Why?”
She choked on the rain, the words, anger surging through her so strong, so swift, she lifted the shovel over her head again and hit the car with every ounce of strength she possessed. The side mirror cracked on the first blow, broke on the second.
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t! I want my baby. I want my baby! Please, give it back. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry! Please, please, give it back!”
The mirror fell to the side of the car and hung there—like the limp head of the baby deer. Sliding in the mud, she struggled to plant her feet and lift the shovel again, her arms shaking.
“I want my promises. I want all of them! I want my baby, and I want T-Tyler. I want our marriage!”
She hit the door, wishing and praying and hoping for the impossible. “I want my husband,” she sobbed. “Please, God, I want my promise back. I want them back, please, please, please give them back!”
Strong arms surrounded her and tried to pull the shovel from her numb hands. Lexi screamed and fought for control. “No!”
“Alexia, stop!” Her father’s voice was choked and hoarse. “Honey, please, let go. It’s all right. Lexi-girl, it’s all right. It’s going to be all right.”
Her father’s crooning voice released the remaining flood inside her. She turned in his arms, pressed her face against his chest and sobbed. “Dad. Dad, help me. I screwed up. I screwed up so bad.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got you now. Shh…”
“Why did I do it? Why did I say those things?” She gripped her father’s shirt until her fingers hurt. “I don’t want him to go. I don’t want Tyler to leave.” She sobbed the words, huddled in her father’s arms.
“Oh, baby. If you don’t want Tyler to leave, tell him. It’s not too late for you to tell Tyler how you feel.”
Lexi choked on a laugh when she lifted her head “But he's not here anymore. He's in Olkfield, right?…I don’t know where he is.”
Her dad kissed the top of her head. “You don’t, but I do.”
_________
Lexi walked into Lily and Daniel's home. Saying nothing even when Lily opened the door and saw her and her father standing there, knowing she looked crazy. Hell, she felt crazy, but she didn't care.
As she made it to the place where Tyler sat with Daniel, he glanced up, his eyes widening when he saw the state she was in, soaking wet, covered in mud and a smudge of the baby deer’s blood on her coat. She didn’t care. Some things were more important.
“Lexi? What happened?” he asked with so much concern that her heart broke all over again, “What's going on?”
“I changed my mind.” Her words came out choked and thick and tears immediately filled her eyes. Now that she’d started crying it appeared she couldn’t stop the flood. Some might think she was having a breakdown but she knew she was simply discovering all the pent-up emotion, locked away inside of her.
Tyler stiffened at the sight, stood, but Lexi didn’t try to hide what she felt. They were tears for him, for them. Because she cared. Because she—
“About what?”
“My promise.” The words emerged raspy and low, and Tyler had to bend closer to hear her. “I want it,” she continued. “You gave it to me and you have to keep it. You have to because I trust you and I—I—” She gulped. “I don’t want you to go.”
Tyler's gaze sharpened and burned. “Why don’t you want me to go?”