Chapter 26

Carissa sat on the far end of the couch and kept her gaze glued to the television. She wasn’t much of a sports fan, but she pretended to be fully engaged in the game on the screen in front of her—for no other reason than she couldn’t find the courage to look at Tiffany, who’d been giving Carissa knowing looks since finding her in the hall with an almost-naked Bradley.

And Carissa definitely couldn’t look at Bradley. Not after she’d practically yelled at him and then kissed him. He must think I’m crazy. But more than the embarrassment of her behavior earlier, she couldn’t get the image of him shirtless and damp from her mind. Bradley was insanely hot with clothes on. With nothing but a towel, he was downright drool-worthy.

The guys shouted and cheered when one of the teams made a touchdown seconds before the buzzer sounded to indicate halftime. Carissa stood quickly and wandered into the kitchen. She busied herself with cleaning up empty pizza boxes and putting leftovers in the refrigerator.

Danny hadn’t bothered to show up, and he hadn’t called or texted, either. She had no idea where he was, or who he was with. Under normal circumstances, that would upset her. A lot. But tonight, she didn’t care. Her thoughts were too muddled, and her emotions were a jumbled mess. Danny ditching her was probably a blessing, all things considered.

“So, when are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Tiff whispered as she rinsed out empty beer bottles.

“What do you mean?” Carissa leaned against the counter and stared toward the living room.

Garrett, Cory, Jeremy, and Bradley were discussing the game, their voices loud and animated. Their laughter rang through the house, and for the first time in longer than she could remember, she felt the peace and happiness that permeated the space around her. No one was fighting or arguing. No underlying tension that threatened to blow up at the slightest provocation. Other than her own personal tension with Bradley, but she was hiding that fairly well.

“Don’t play stupid.” Tiff rolled her eyes. “I saw you and Bradley earlier. You both looked guilty as hell.”

Carissa cringed. “Was it really that obvious?”

“I knew it!”

“Shhh.” Carissa tossed a worried look at the living room, but no one seemed to be paying them much attention. She angled her body so she was facing Tiffany. “Please don’t say anything.”

“That’s impossible to do when I don’t know anything,” she said, her voice much quieter than a moment ago.

Carissa took a deep breath. Should she tell Tiff the truth right now and risk her friend freaking out? Or should Carissa wait until they were alone back in their res hall? She chewed on her lip, indecision warring inside of her.

“Oh, this must be really freaking good.” Tiffany planted one hand on her hip and the other on the counter. “Spill the tea right now, or I’m just going to ask Bradley.”

Carissa’s eyes widened, and she shook her head. When Tiffany made threats like that, she always followed through, and the last thing Carissa wanted was for Tiffany to go ask Bradley anything about anything.

“Fine, but you cannot freak out. Got it?”

Tiffany nodded, a Cheshire-like grin on her face.

Yeah, this was a mistake, but too late to back out now. With another deep breath, Carissa said, “Bradley and I kissed.”

Tiffany blinked, then tilted her head. “Yeah. I know. At the TOP party. You already told—”

“No. I mean after that.” Carissa’s gaze danced from Tiffany to the living room.

Each time she realized Bradley wasn’t paying any attention to her, relief would flood her veins. Quickly followed by disappointment. Had she finally pushed him too far? Was he done with her for good now? Wasn’t that what she ultimately wanted?

“When? And how many times?” Tiffany asked.

“Like, three or four times.” She cringed, waiting for her friend’s outburst, but Tiffany remained calm as promised. “At his penthouse after the bonfire. Things got pretty heated.” Her face and neck flamed with warmth at the memory of just how hot things had gotten. “And again today when you found us in the hallway.”

“Wow.”

Carissa shifted on her feet, guilt pooling in her gut. “Wow? That’s really all you have to say?”

“I’m still processing,” Tiffany said.

Rubbing her hands over her face, Carissa groaned. “I know. I’m an awful person. I have no right to kiss Bradley when I’m still with Danny. I just… I don’t know. I can’t explain it, but I’m drawn to him.”

“First, you’re not an awful person. Danny’s been messing around behind your back for how long? And with how many different girls?”

Carissa shrugged.

“Exactly. You’ve kissed exactly one guy. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.” Tiffany moved closer and held Carissa’s gaze. “I don’t know what happened, but everyone can see that Danny’s changed. He’s not the same guy he was when you met him, and honestly… None of us understand why you’re still with him.”

Frowning, Carissa shifted again. Not because she was physically uncomfortable, but because she knew sooner or later, her friends would start to wonder and ask questions. None of them were stupid—they’d noticed too much, and Carissa would have to explain eventually. She just wasn’t sure if she was ready to do that tonight.

“I love him,” she mumbled lamely.

“I know you do, and I know he’s your first real relationship, but c’mon, Carissa.” Tiffany cocked her head, sympathy masking her concern. “You don’t owe him anything. You don’t need to stand by him when he’s treating you like this.”

“It’s complicated, okay? And I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Carissa shoved away from the counter.

“Fine, but when you’re ready, I’m here.”

Carissa didn’t say anything further. She knew Tiffany would be available whenever Carissa was ready to talk, but that time wasn’t tonight. Might not be tomorrow, either. Or ever. She hadn’t been able to come to terms with everything that happened—no way could she tell anyone else and have them understand.

She returned to the living room, and the game resumed. She hadn’t been interested before, and she wasn’t now, either, but staring aimlessly at the TV was better than listening to her thoughts.

Deep down, she knew Tiffany was right. Carissa shouldn’t feel guilty about kissing Bradley when Danny did much more than that with other girls. Yet, Carissa did feel guilty. She wasn’t a cheater, and she hated that Danny had turned her into that type of person. And the fact that she was sitting there attempting to justify her actions only made her feel worse. Two wrongs didn’t make a right, and she was no better than Danny in terms of being loyal and faithful.

Halfway through the third quarter, she finally got a message from Danny. She opened her texts, her stomach in a knot at whatever he sent her.

Danny: Sorry I didn’t come over earlier. Got caught up with something. Can we please talk now?

She stared at her phone, her emotions wreaking havoc with her common sense. Last time he’d said he “got caught up with something,” he’d been with another girl—and Carissa had been suffering from a miscarriage. Alone. Had Danny been with another girl tonight, too?

The urge to accuse him of that consumed her, but she decided right then and there to find her way back to the woman she used to be pre-Danny. So, instead, she replied with: Sure. At your house now watching the game. Come here?

Danny: I think we need to talk alone.

Her brow furrowed, and the knot in her stomach tightened.

Carissa: When and where?

Her fingers trembled, and everything she’d eaten threatened to make a reappearance. Sweat beaded on her brow, and dizziness swept her away. She momentarily closed her eyes and focused on centering herself.

“You okay?” Garrett asked, eyes narrowed.

“Yeah,” she said and licked her lips. Then she stood. “I, um, I… have to go.”

She rushed out the front door, ignoring the sound of her friends calling after her. They’d want an explanation, and knowing they already questioned her relationship to Danny, she wasn’t about to tell them she was leaving to go meet him.

By the time she got into her car and started the engine, she had another text from Danny with a time and place to meet—in front of the cafeteria in fifteen minutes. Driving back to campus wouldn’t take that long, but the extra time would hopefully help calm her nerves.

She had no idea what Danny wanted to talk about, but she knew what she needed to say, what was weighing too heavily on her heart and mind. Tonight was the night she’d make things right. She’d finally tell him everything she’d been feeling, every bad thought she had, including how she felt about their relationship moving forward.

Carissa parked in the lot near her res hall, then walked to the cafeteria to meet Danny. The evening air was warm, and the moon was high in the sky, bathing the campus walkways in a steady glow. This was the kind of night that was perfect for a walk, preferably holding hands with a guy she was crazy about. Someone who made the butterflies in her stomach swarm with nothing more than a look, a smile, a gentle squeeze of her hand.

Her steps faltered when she realized that the guy in her daydream wasn’t Danny.

With a determined purpose, she picked up her pace and reached the cafeteria at the same time Danny approached. He had his hands stuffed in his jean pockets. Dark circles rimmed his eyes, and he looked exhausted on every level. The sight of him like that tugged at Carissa’s heart. Despite everything, she didn’t want him to hurt.

“Hey,” he said and stopped in front of her. He made no effort to hug her or kiss her.

“Hi,” she said. “You look tired.”

He forced a grin. “Haven’t been sleeping much since the bonfire.”

“That’s not what I heard.” She crossed her arms. “From what people tell me, you’ve been sleeping just fine—with other girls in your room.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them and wished she could take them back. She didn’t come here to hurl accusations and cause a fight. She’d come here to make things right, to find some peace with the direction her life had gone over the past year.

Danny sighed, and she braced herself for an angry explosion. But none came. His shoulders drooped, and he hung his head. “I haven’t slept with anyone else, Carissa. I wish I could make you believe that.”

“Then who was she? That girl you took up to your room?” She crossed her arms, refusing to back down ever again.

“She works at the campus medical center. She’s a volunteer counselor who helps people deal with grief.”

Carissa’s jaw dropped. “A grief counselor?” She raised a brow, her intuition nagging at the back of her mind.

Was Danny telling her the truth, or was this another lie to cover his own ass? She honestly couldn’t tell with him anymore. But why lie about something like talking to a grief counselor?

“Yes.” Danny nodded. “I realized that I’ve never fully dealt with what happened that night.” He lifted his head, his gaze colliding with hers. “We both suffered a loss. That alone is hard enough, but the guilt I have over not being there for you?” He shook his head, raked his fingers through his hair, and turned away.

She remained frozen in place, unsure if this was really happening or if she was simply dreaming. How many times had she wished and prayed and hoped that Danny would come to his senses? Now that he was, she had no idea what to say or do.

“I’m so sorry, Carissa.” He spun back to face her. “I know I’ve said that so many times that it probably doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, but I am. If I could go back and change things…”

“I know,” she whispered and cleared her throat. “I’d change a lot of things, too.”

“When you found out you were pregnant, I was happy.” He closed the distance between them and took her hands into his. “We talked so much about our future, and I wanted everything we talked about. Getting married, being parents, buying a house after graduation. In my mind, we were on the fast track to having the perfect life.”

Tears pooled in her eyes, and she blinked in a useless effort to hold them at bay.

Danny squeezed her hands, a small smile forming on his lips. “But through all of that, I couldn’t help but feel like you were pulling away from me.”

“I was,” she admitted for the first time ever. “I was terrified, Danny. I don’t have a job. No college degree. My father swore he’d cut me off financially if I had the baby. No more trust fund. No money to take care of myself let alone a baby.” She sniffled. “I had no idea what to do, and all you kept talking about was the future.”

He frowned, then reached up to wipe her tears with his thumbs. He cupped her cheeks, his gaze warm and understanding, yet sad and regretful. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She shrugged. “You were so happy, and I didn’t want to take that away from you.”

Danny rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closing momentarily. “But I wasn’t happy, Carissa. I mean, I was about the baby, but”—he straightened—“I knew something was going on with you, and you wouldn’t talk to me. I wrongly assumed you regretted being with me.”

“I’ve never regretted being with you.” She turned her head, and his hands fell away. She wiped her tears, then crossed her arms over her chest again. “But after that night, you changed, Danny. I don’t know who you are anymore, but I do know you’re not the guy I fell in love with.”

“I know,” he admitted, stunning her into silence.