Chapter 70 Dishonoring him
Lila POV
I shook my head, biting back tears. I knew I needed to mourn the loss of my father. I knew I needed to work through what had happened to me during the last few weeks. I knew that no woman who had been through what I have would still be sane.
But unfortunately, I didn’t have that time. I didn’t have the luxury of mourning or dealing with the pile of shit I had been through. No. Not in this world, not in his world and that was where I was. His world, my world no longer existed, and by the sound of the door locking, no longer did ours.
I looked down and stared at the scars that formed white lines across my thighs. Two of those scars were still red. It was fresher than the rest, the two marks Nico made when I was held captive at the Moretti mansion. I remember the ecstasy I felt when he sliced the blade across my skin, pushing me over the edge. To finally embrace the dark desires that lurked inside me for so long by letting him have all control over me was liberating, and the pleasure was indescribable.
Now, as I stood alone in a locked room with memories I wished I could forget, I knew I needed to experience that again. The relief of letting go. But it had been too long since I’d bled by Nico hand, which was why I needed to do it myself.
With one final glance at the door, I started to search the room. I went through every cupboard and every drawer but found nothing sharp enough to help me get rid of the whirlpool of emotions that was wreaking havoc inside my mind. When I searched through the bathroom cabinet, I finally found what I was looking for my cure.
I took the small white framed hand mirror and stared at my reflection for a few moments. My eyes were teary, blue circles framing them from lack of sleep. How could I sleep when demons of the past surrounded me the second I closed my eyes?
Just by the shape of my cheeks I could see I had lost weight. You were starved for fuck knows how long. Unable to stare at myself for one second longer, I dropped the mirror to the ground and watched as it shattered into pieces. I could already feel the blackness of anticipation as it moved up my body, coating me, slowly squeezing the unwanted emotions out of me.
I bent down on my knees, picked up the sharpest piece, and stared at a part of my thigh that was unblemished, unscarred the perfect canvas.
While I kept the broken piece of glass in my hand, something inside tried to pull me away from the temptation, willing me to fight the urge slowly creeping up my spine. It had been years since I last marred my own body. Years since I allowed myself to give in, to let my corrupt soul take control of my actions but today, right now, I had a choice my only choice. Either give in and allow myself this one escape that would give me the strength to get through whatever my future held in store or let my emotions weaken my chances at survival and God knew, I needed every ounce of strength if I wanted to survive Nico Moretti.
I placed the sharp edge of the broken piece against my thigh, closed my eyes, and allowed the one memory I hated the most to enter my mind. All I saw were pools of crimson, blood and life draining out of my father’s body while Damon smiled like the devil.
The pain that shocked through me like a thousand volts right at that moment, just like it did on that fateful day, caused me to flick my wrist and slice through my skin. The burning relief instantly consumed me, and I felt my soul relax. I’d never used drugs before, but I was pretty sure this was how it felt. All the heaviness of the cruelty I carried lifted off my shoulders, and my mind was nothing but holes of emptiness. For a few brief seconds, my soul was light, unscarred, and all the bad had escaped through the cut, softly tricking down my thigh. It was only when I heard Nico voice roar through the room that everything came back like a giant boulder of chaos. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Nico grabbed my arm, pulled me up, and dragged me out of the bathroom. He shoved me onto the bed like I was nothing more than a pathetic ragdoll. “What in the name of ever loving fuck were you thinking?”
When my eyes met his, I knew I had never seen him angry before but this, the way he stared at me, irises swirling with rage, this was Nico angry.
I tried to right myself on the bed. “Nic
..”
“Why?”
I looked up at him, and I knew there was no way I would be able to bullshit my way out of the truth. Not with him. I glanced down at the fresh wound. “I needed it.”
“Why?”
I snorted. “Are you serious? Do you really not know why I needed to do this? In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been through hell and back the last few weeks, so I think I’m entitled to act a little crazy.”
He stepped closer, his eyes narrowed. “So you did this, for what?”
I sat up straight and looked him square in the eye. “Release.”
The malevolent smile I’d come to know so well spread along his face. “Release?”
“Yes. Do you not think I deserve some form of release after what I’ve been through what I’m still going through?”
Abruptly, he grabbed my thigh, his thumb pressing right over the wound, making me flinch. “I give you release. My hands, my mouth, my cock my blade gives you release. So next time you feel like acting a little crazy, you come to me.”
“You locked me in. You weren’t here when I fucking needed you. You’re the one who woke all this shit up inside me, Nico. You’re the one who made me feel okay about the fucked-up mess inside my head. And what do you do? You lock the fucking door as if I’m an animal you need to keep caged. You weren’t here.”
He leaned down closer, dark irises wild and burning with fury, lips pulled in a straight line. “Then you go on your fucking knees and wait for me like the good little pet we both know you are.” He gripped my thigh harder, smearing the blood over my skin. “But this will never happen by your hand again. You will never dishonor me in this manner again.”
I balked. “Dishonor you? How is cutting myself dishonoring you?”
He let go of my thigh and grabbed my face, his fingers gripping my chin painfully. “You are mine. You belong to me. And by cutting yourself, you are waving one giant ‘fuck you’ in my face.”