It's been a week.
One long week since I learned the truth, since Carter walked out of my apartment. Since I asked him to leave me alone. A week since the funny, annoying, sweet, soft texts stopped.
He'd known. It's difficult to wrap my head around. He'd known and not told me, even after we'd had the discussion about honesty. The betrayal stings like salt in a wound.
Booker's voice booms through the newsroom. "Decker, Johnson, Peters and Kim. I want your stories on my desk by the end of the day. Feel free to use the juniors if needed!"
"Yes, boss!" someone calls back.
Declan snickers beside me. "Use the juniors," he repeats.
Grunt work is exactly what it sounds like, but I don't mind it. Working with the seasoned journalists is sometimes a pain in the ass. Decker is especially finicky, and Peters doesn't tolerate criticism from a junior colleague, but I'm learning a lot.
I'm still loving my job… even if I've hated coming here every single day this week. The knowledge that Carter is only a few floors above me feels like torture. A part of me wishes I'd never found out. Which means his plan of never telling me wasn't the worst one, and I hate that part of me, too.
I hate that I don't know my own mind where I've always been able to trust it before. And I also hate that he knew and didn't tell me. It makes me feel sidestepped. Neglected. Patronized.
But most of all, I miss him so much it hurts.
The only thing that helps is focusing on work, even when my focus drifts in and out of view. The paper I'm researching for now is about the rise of remote work. Interesting enough, even if my mind is filled with Carter.
Kim stops by Declan's desk. I catch snippets of their hushed conversation, until I'm fully eavesdropping.
"…going on for over half a year."
"Not that long?"
"Started at the Christmas party, apparently."
"That's insane. I understand why he did it, but why would she risk her position?"
Declan's voice is filled with glee at the gossip. "Nate's hot. She probably gambled no one would find out."
"HR is involved, last I heard," Kim says. "Nate could lose his job."
"So much for sleeping with a superior. Didn't land him the promotion, did it?"
Kim and Declan both chuckle. They fall quiet as Booker breezes past and quickly disperse. It's not the first I've heard of this particular piece of company gossip, and I'm sure it won't be the last.
But it's the first time it sends a shiver of fear down my spine.
Didn't land him the promotion, did it?
That's what Declan would say about me and Carter, if he knew. What everyone would say. I put my head in my hands, and for the first time since I started at the Globe , I feel like crying.
I love him, I think. And it hurts so much.
By afternoon the newsroom is half-empty, and I'm at my wit's end. I grab a bunch of files at random and head toward the stairs. No one uses them, and luck of all luck, I don't meet anyone.
Tim is sitting at his desk outside the executive offices. I pray Carter's in. "Dropping off some more papers from the newsroom," I say. "As requested."
He doesn't even bat an eye. We must have sold it well the last time I snuck up here, for Carter's birthday.
"Head on in," Tim says.
Carter is not expecting me, that much is clear from his gaze, widening with surprise before it settles into a golden wariness. He doesn't know what I'm here to say.
That makes two of us.
"Hey," he says, and steps past me to close the door to his office. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah. Yes, I mean. How have you been?"
"This past week?" He leans against his desk, crossing strong arms over his chest. The need to touch him aches in my fingertips. "Not great, kid."
"Me neither," I say. My throat is thick and words come out shaky. "What are we really doing here, you know?"
His eyes are those of a hawk. "What do you mean?"
"It'll only be a matter of time before people at work find out. And if we can't trust one another… if I can't trust you…" I shake my head, eyes blurring. "Maybe it's better if we stop this now. We'll never figure things out with the work situation, will we?"
He's so still he might as well be a statue. Frozen to ice before me, Carter's grin is nowhere to be seen. His eyes are so cold they burn. "Okay," he says slowly. "If that's what you want."
No, I think. That's not what I want at all. My heart feels like it's frosting over, something fracturing deep within. But I don't know if I can trust him… and I need this pain to go away.
"I don't know why you didn't tell me," I whisper.
He closes his eyes. "You're giving up on us. You haven't sent me a single text this week, kid. Not one."
"I needed time to think."
"And this is what you've settled on." His eyes open, and there's nothing detached about them now. They blaze. "If you think it's easier to just end this, then fine. Let's end it."
A tear spills over and races down my cheek. Carter walks around his desk and sits down. Like I'm not here, like I'm not hurting. Like he's not hurting.
I love you, I think again. Don't you care at all?
Where is the man I've come to care for? Who held me on a fire escape, who asked me for permission to ask me out, who is funny and intelligent and never backs down from an argument?
"Okay," I say. "All right. I… well. Here are some papers from the copy machine downstairs." I set them down on the edge of his desk, feeling worthless. "It was just an excuse to come up here, but I can't leave…"
Without dropping them off. But the words are caught in my throat, stuck in the ball of tears.
"Got it. Just leave them here."
Right. I retreat to the door, my hand shaking at my side. Why is he like this? "Can I call you in a week or two?" I manage. "After we've both had time to think?"
Because this can't be the last time we talk about this.