Chapter Sixteen—Stan

I decided I needed to put things on track. I grabbed a few things and sat in my car. I bought it over five years ago when the inheritance from our grandparents came through when they died. The inheritance was split between us, and Rick used it to invest in the club. Pete and I parted ways with most of ours to buy the penthouse, and I decided to buy a brand-new Audi. We weren’t born into money, but our grandparents were rich, though no one would know if they ever visited them in their three-bedroom house in Oregon. They lived a simple life and hated the idea of wasting money. I remember many times as a kid, Dad would argue with them about it. He would tell them that life was too short and they should go out there and use their golden nest to explore the world. When Grandpa retired from his job as a bus driver, instead of looking for another job on the road, he decided to invest in everything from gold to hedge funds, and his decision paid off. He never spent the extra money he made; instead, he stashed it away and acted as if he was still driving the buses by never spending outside his old salary. Dad said they should take a cruise and travel the world while they were both retired.

They never did.

They died in a car accident, and some would say maybe Dad’s grief made him go to an early death too—he died of the same fate a few weeks later. Mom, on the other hand, never got over it. It was then we started to see the changes. We hoped she would get out of her depression, but she never did. If anything, the depression she tried to hide too well, came full blown to the surface. Her suicide, in hindsight, took a lot longer than we’d anticipated. She expected to lose Dad on the field, like so many of her friends had done. She didn’t, and when they were finally together, when he’d retired from the marines, she only got to enjoy his company for a short time before he was taken, too.

I sighed as I sat behind the wheel, thinking if I should go back to Oregon, but there was no one there. Dad’s only living family was a brother—who had cut all ties after the funeral. The will was read, he took his share, shook hands with Dad, and they said their goodbyes.

It was crazy at the time. I remember questioning how two brothers could be so distinct.

I remembered Dad saying, “Sometimes blood just isn’t thick enough.”

I didn’t get what he meant; sure Pete, Rick, and I fought sometimes and we didn’t get along, but we were still brothers. To draw a line and say we never wanted to see each other wasn’t something that had ever entered my head until now.

I bashed my fists on the wheel, letting out my frustration at the idea of Pete and Katie being together. He did something I wanted to do; I wanted to smell her sweet vanilla scent and wrap my arms around her in my bed. I was a virgin and too shy to go all the way; he’d done it, but he knew. He fucking knew how I felt about her, but that didn’t stop him from taking her. I didn’t know who I hated more?

Him for taking her, or me for being such a coward?

A message chimed on my phone. I hesitated as I took it out of my pocket. I assumed it was Rick, probably telling me to come back and talk.

I stuck a finger in the air. “Fucking talk to this!”

I was wrong about the message, as I realized it was Greg, probably my only friend from my time as a SEAL. We talked pretty often online, but lately, I’d noticed he wasn’t online as much as he used to be.

-Stan. You good? Long time. Don’t be a stranger.

Thinking this was a sign, I replied without hesitation. Greg had contacted me; I was sitting in my car in the apartment parking lot, feeling frustrated as I’d done so many times as a kid. But back then, I would either go to one of my grandparents’ houses or even my uncle’s. None of these were an option. Aunt Elizabeth had moved to L.A. after Mom died because there were too many memories in Oregon and she wanted a fresh start.

-Good. You still in San. D?

-Yeah man, you should visit!

Bingo, I had a place to go. It would take at least a couple of hours to get to San Diego, and I would grab something to eat on the way. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and I needed to get out. I could have easily just checked into a hotel or something, but I didn’t think being alone was a good idea, especially when I was in this fucked-up state of mind.

Angry at the world.

Angry at my brothers.

Fucking frustrated about the woman I wanted, and Pete had done without no hesitation. I was a gentleman; I would tell her how I felt in my own time. He just took her because she was probably vulnerable and he could take advantage of her. I decided it was him I hated more. Not me, and certainly not Katie.

-On my way. Hit me with the deets.

There was no instant reply, but as I had no sense of direction and didn’t even know which highway to hit to get to San Diego, the direction flashed across my phone. It was a sign for fucking sure. I had to get away from my brothers and most of all, I had to be as far as possible from her.

***

The drive wasn’t long, but I stopped at two diners instead of one. I was shocked about how long it’d taken to get me here and the address in which I’d stopped at. Greg was pretty much like me; if anything, he was more of a dork than I was when we worked together. But we clicked, and we were happy talking about software and technology. Anything else hardly entered into our conversation and this made us compatible. We weren’t like the other guys; we were different and when you feel like the odd one out, meeting someone who was just as odd as you set your mind at ease.

I stopped on the curb outside a few shops, finding it hard to make out where the entrance was to the condo. Greg seemed to have done alright for himself living out here in HillCrest. It seemed to be quite a good neighborhood, and one thing was for sure, it was a lot quieter than L.A.

I hesitated as I stepped out of the car, wondering whether to take my bag or not. Fuck, he told me to visit, not spend the night. I didn’t need to worry about the answer to my question as he approached from the front.

“Hey, man. Been waiting outside, didn’t expect you to take so long.”

I smiled as we both hugged, leaving the trunk up. “Yeah, I stopped for a bite to eat.”

He chuckled. “A bite, or you ate someone on the way. Man, you’ve grown. What happened?”

I should have been embarrassed by his comment about my weight, but I let it slide. He was still in shape, that was for sure. It was dark, but when I gave him a hug, it felt as if I was hugging one of my brothers—everything was tight and in form, as if he’d been endlessly working out at the gym.

“You staying for a while? I thought so. I told the missus.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Missus?”

He nodded, then showed me his finger and his ring glistened under the streetlamp.

“I invited you to the wedding, but you said you couldn’t make it. You never told me why.”

I nodded, thinking I was happy it was dark. Too embarrassed to admit the reason I never showed up to his wedding was purely out of jealousy. Greg was a virgin when we were SEALs, just like me. He confessed it to me, guessing I was pretty much like him. In the span of five years—which to a few, would be a lifetime, but to me felt like only yesterday—he’d managed to have a girlfriend, lose his virginity, have a fiancée, then wife, and most likely, they would have a kid, if they didn’t already.

I was exactly the same as he’d last seen me. Nothing in my life had changed, so how the hell could I show up at his wedding?

“Don’t sweat it, man. You going to grab your things and come up? Jane’s dying to meet you.”

“What?”

“Your things. That’s why you text. I’m no stranger to messages like that. I mean, we haven’t spoken for a while…”

I said nothing as my mind raced to the last time we spoke. He said a while, but what did I know? It felt as if I’d been stuck in some kind of timewarp. I completely forgotten about the one person I considered to be a friend had got married.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

He patted me on the back again as if to reassure me.

“Look, man. Doesn’t matter. Jane’s expecting you. We can catch up.”

“Is there room? I mean, is your condo big?”

He chuckled. “No, man. San’s not exactly cheap and working with Qualcomm, I’m not going to deny it’s a good income, but when you have a kid… Damn, you love them to bits, but they’re not cheap.”

My mind drifted to Rick, always complaining about the cost of fatherhood. He loved the twins dearly, but he said they came at a heavy price. I had no idea how much a bag of diapers cost, let alone what kind of figure they were talking about.

I grabbed my bag, which held all my worldly possessions, mainly my iMac, a couple of pants, and a few shirts. I didn’t change my pants often; in fact, if anyone saw me on a regular basis, they could easily accuse me of wearing the same thing every day.

Greg continued to talk about his little girl, Lily, who was three years old and quite happy to have a visitor and give up her room. I wouldn’t stay long, maybe one night or two tops.

“Just when you called, I’ve had a couple of guys call me from the past. They’re always in a bad way, looking for somewhere to stay, and I let them stay. You know.”

Again, I nodded as the realization that Greg and I were nothing alike. He had guys call him, and I never did. Only him.

I followed him into the condo block like a lost lamb. He didn’t stop talking, even as he turned the key. I didn’t know if he was doing it out of nerves, or if in the midst of it all, I was the confused one.

Greg was never the shy, virgin, tech-head; that was only me. Sure, the latter was true, for sure he was the tech-head or he wouldn’t be working for Qualcomm. As we entered the building, I saw he was wearing a red polo and jeans which hugged his body comfortably. He had a little beard, well trimmed and maintained, and a haircut to match. There was nothing to say Greg and I were even equals.

“Another thing, I thought you guys were joined at the hip, so when you said you were coming, I knew something must be up. You guys were always by each others side, unless something really was up, like they were back on the field.”

I sighed, thinking about the way I left the penthouse, like a little boy scared to admit his feelings and face his fears. How the fuck did I end up being a SEAL?

“Right, we’re on the second floor,” Greg said as he started to head up the stairs. He didn’t really look at me closely, and the only thing on my mind was taking the elevator, but he was fit, a little too fit for me to keep up with him.

“We should have taken the elevator. Sorry, man.”

He stopped at the top of the stairs, waiting for me to join him. I realized he was looking at his phone.

“Crap, Jane went to sleep. She has work in the morning.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, she’s a teacher at the local prep.”

I remembered him telling me he fell in love with a teacher. He met her at the local bar, and boom, just like that, they hit it off and he was on one knee, proposing to her.

“The condo’s not big. I’ll give you a silent tour, not to wake everyone. As I said, you’re in Lily’s room. We can catch up if you want something to eat or we can leave it till the morning.”

“Leave it to the morning,” I said without hesitation.

He nodded, then turned to say something, but changed his mind.

I walked in as he showed me around, thinking about what he’d said—sure, we were thirty, no longer at the age where we shouldn’t know what we want and we should all be settled down. His small, two-bedroom condo looked like a golden dream as he showed me the small wooden kitchen. It was just about big enough for one person, let alone for two people to be in.

The living room was only a fraction bigger than the kitchen. It housed a leather corner sofa, clearly for the three of them to sit on, and maybe a little room for one more person. In the corner was a small wooden dining set.

The living room had a small opening, and I pictured Greg being in the living room while his wife was in the kitchen, talking about their day or even their kid. The type of thing most married couples would do.

They had a small terrace, and as he showed me around it, I had a feeling I would be spending most of my time looking out, but I knew the view was nothing compared to the penthouse. I thought about planting my iMac out there while I tried to figure out where to go next. The front of the apartment had views of the KFC below and other parts of the town. Everything was quiet and part of me felt nervous about the silence of it all. It was only eleven, but I had no responsibilities and no family to think of, so time has never been my thing for the last five years. I never really thought about what time I would go to bed or what time I woke up. Greg gave me one last pat on the back and I dropped my bag once I was in Lily’s room. I looked around, reminding myself that I would only be here one day or two. I had visions of feasting the night away on pizza and talking about new technology. Greg was right, even if he didn’t say it out loud; we were in our thirties, not some guys in their teens, and I needed to start acting like it. Even if I didn’t have a fucking clue how I was going to do it.