Chapter 70 She must be an angel.
ONE YEAR LATER
SOMEWHERE IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Ryan
They say your whole life plays out in front of you right before the end. Like a movie reel.
I think I just watched mine. Little pieces of everything came back. Playing with my mom when I was a kid. My first day of school. The day we found out she was sick. Winning my first big surf competition. Drinking cheap beer on the beach with my friends at night. And then there was Seraphina.
I saw her smile. We were at our secret spot on the sand, watching the stars, and she gave me this smile that just fucking wrecked me. I think it melted my brain.
I remembered the very first time I saw her. She was just standing there in front of my garage. The wind was moving her brown hair around her face. She looked right at me and did not say a word. Her lips were parted just a little, and all I could think about was how it would feel to kiss her.
I remembered the night of the fireworks. Her eyes were so bright when she reached up and put her hands on my face. I remembered the first time we were together. I knew it was her first time. What she did not know was that it was my first time, too.
Sure, I had been with other girls before. I had fucked them. But that night with Seraphina was the first time I had ever made love. I was so nervous I thought I might pass out. I did not want to cause her any pain. I wanted it to be perfect for her. Maybe that was selfish, but I wanted her to remember me for the rest of her life.
I wonder if she still does.
It has been a year since I left New York. That day was the worst day I have ever lived through. In those last few seconds with her, all I wanted was to kiss her one more time. Just once. But I knew if I did, I would never find the strength to walk away. So I did not kiss her. I still do not know if that was the right choice.
For the last year, I have been alone. A nomad. I moved around South America. I never stayed anywhere for more than a few weeks. I made money from surf contests and odd jobs. It was not a lot, but I never needed a lot.
Seraphina and I have not seen each other since that day. But we talk. Or, we did.
Three months after I left, I woke up from a dream about her. I missed her so much it was a physical ache. I sent her a text. Just one word: “hi”. She wrote back: “hi”. That was enough for me. More than enough. I did not write anything else.
A few months after that, I was thinking about her again. I sent another text. Just the letter: “h”. She wrote back: “h”. I grinned like an idiot at my phone. That was everything.
A few weeks ago, I sent her a text that was just a period. A single dot. She wrote back with a comma.
That was the most important message I have ever gotten.
That was the last time. I write her letters, too. I have a whole stack of them. I call them ‘Letters to K’. I will never send them. I wonder if anyone will ever find them now.
You are probably asking why I am telling you all of this. The answer is simple. I am dying.
I went out to surf early this morning. It was a normal day. The waves were clean. The water was smooth. Everything was fine.
Then, out of nowhere, this huge wall of water appeared. A tidal wave. I tried to ride it, but the water changed. The wind pushed me. It pulled me further and further from the shore. I did not panic. I stayed calm. I paddled. I dove under the water and tried to fight my way back.
But the current was too strong. It was like a hand around my ankles, dragging me out. I would have called for help, but there was no one to call. No one was around.
The ocean kept pulling me further out. No matter how hard I fought, it did not matter. After a while, I kept paddling just to keep my body warm. I am a good surfer. I know the water. I know the weather. This wave was a freak thing. A mistake.
So, if you want to know where I am… I am in the middle of the fucking Pacific Ocean.
I am stuck here. All alone in the middle of fucking nowhere. I cannot see the shore. It is just me and my board, floating. I have been here for a long time. Hours.
It is so quiet. There is only the sound of the water and my own breathing. No ships. No boats. Not a single person. No hope at all.
Everything I can see is blue. Blue water. Blue sky. Nothing else.
This is the problem with being alone all the time. When you go missing, no one knows. I went out by myself this morning. No one knows where I went. No one could possibly know where I am right now. And no one will know when I die.
Well, that really fucking sucks.
More hours have passed. The sun is starting to go down. That means I have been floating here for more than ten hours. I keep fading in and out, and every time I close my eyes, I see her face.
I look up at the sky and think maybe I should pray. Maybe I should tell God all the bad things I have done so he will forgive me. Maybe he will let me see my mom again.
If I think about all the wrong things I have done… the worst one was loving her. Loving her too much. But, God, I was just a man. I was just a man trying to love a woman. Everything I did, I did because I loved her. I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to ruin her life. My biggest sin is that my love was a poison.
I was a piece of shit. I still am. Who was I kidding? I actually believed I deserved her. I thought I could make her happy. I thought she could leave her family and be with me.
I could not make her happy. She would have regretted choosing me. I wonder if she ever loved me the way I loved her. Probably not. Maybe I was just a phase for her. Girls like bad boys for a little while. Maybe I was just something she needed to try.
Maybe if I ever saw her again, I would ask her. But I guess I will never know now.
I will tell you this: dying slowly is terrible. My skin is burned from the sun. I am so thirsty I can not think straight. I feel sick. My head is spinning. I do not know how much longer I can last.
If you have to die, try to do it fast. But maybe this is what I deserve. And really, it is not the worst way to go. It is peaceful here. It is also beautiful, in a strange and lonely way. The sky is a crazy mix of orange and blue. The water is calm, but it is going to kill me.
I am lying on my favorite surfboard. My mom’s name is on my left arm. Seraphina’s name is on my right. I am wearing the ring she gave me on a chain around my neck. I am surrounded by the things I love most.
This is okay. This is not a bad way to go. I mean, it could be worse. I am really fucking glad there are no sharks. That would be a nightmare. Compared to that, this feels almost peaceful.
I wonder if they will ever find my body. I hope they do. But then, Seraphina and my family would have to know I am dead. That would destroy them. I do not want that. So maybe it is better if I just disappear. The world can keep turning like it is supposed to.
The sun is gone now.
The sky is black, but the moon and the stars are out. It is a full moon. It shines with a pale blue light. I wish she could see this. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Looking up, I realize that Seraphina and I are like the sun and the moon. We chase each other across the whole sky. We are always near each other, but we can never touch.
I am so weak now. My body has nothing left. It is cold. My eyes will not focus.
I will not make it to sunrise.
Do not worry, God. I am not angry. I have made my peace.
I do not have the strength to hold on, so I close my eyes. I let my mind go back to that summer. I see her dress. I see her hair. I see the way she danced. I see the way we moved together.
“You,” she once told me. “You make me want to be brave.”
Leaving this world at twenty-three might sound sad. But I do not think so. I lived a full life. I reached my dreams. I met a girl. I fell in love. It ended in tragedy, but it was fucking epic.
Maybe that is all you can ask for. And even with all of this, I think I was pretty damn lucky.
I can see her face again now. Her eyes are brighter than the stars. She is smiling a little. She is wearing a long white dress and she is spinning around. I reach out and push a piece of hair behind her ear. Her cheeks turn pink.
She must be an angel.
Dear S,
I love you like I love the sea,
And I'm ok with drowning.
Literally.
Forever yours,
Ry.