Chapter 69 What are you talking about?
Ryan
Saraphina pulled away the moment I opened my mouth. It was like she already knew. Her breathing was quick and shallow, and her eyes had that bright, wet look they got before she cried.
“Saraphina,” I started.
“No.” She said it loud, pushing my hands away. “No,” she said again, softer this time.
I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face against my shirt and I pressed my lips to the top of her head. God, she smelled like roses.
“I know what you are going to say, Ry. Do not say it.” Her words were muffled against my chest.
How did she always do that? She could read my mind. To be fair, I could read hers too. It was a strange thing we had, something I never fully understood. We just knew. Even without words, we always knew what the other was thinking.
“Sara,” I said, holding her as close as I could. “I think we both know where this is headed.”
“You can not do this to me, Ryan. Do not do this.” Her voice broke on the words.
Was she crying?
I gently pulled her back so I could see her face. She was. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she was fighting it, trying to keep her breathing even.
“Saraphina.”
“I know what you are going to say. Please, do not say it.” Her whole body was trembling now.
I bit down on my lip and let out a long breath. “Fine. I will not say it.” I took a step back. I did not have to say the words. We both already knew.
I drew in another deep breath and walked over to the speaker in the corner. Saraphina did not move. I connected my phone and chose a song. A few seconds later, the soft strum of a guitar filled the room.
“Will you dance with me?” I held my hand out to her.
She was quiet for a long moment, biting her lip to keep from sobbing. I kept my hand held out, waiting. She looked at it, then let out a shaky sigh. With fear and confusion in her eyes, she placed her hand in mine.
And then she was in my arms again. We fit together perfectly, like two parts of the same whole. I began to move, slow and easy, and she moved with me. She was stiff at first, but after a while, she relaxed. She rested her head on my chest and we swayed together, lost in the music and in the heavy silence between us.
Just one more minute, I thought. Just let me hold her for one more minute.
“Hey,” I said finally. “You know that I love you, right?”
I felt her head nod slightly against me.
“I am really sorry,” I said, my mouth close to her ear.
“What for?” she murmured.
“For coming back here to fight for you.” I paused, gathering the words. “I think I might have fought a little too hard.”
I felt her smile against my shirt.
“That is okay,” she whispered. “I want you to fight for me.”
“We gave it a good fight, though, did not we?” I tilted her chin up so I could see her face and gave her a small smile.
“Yeah, we did,” she said, her smile sad and broken. “We were almost there.”
She put her head back down and we just swayed. I could feel the rise and fall of her breath against me.
This was the hardest thing I had ever done. My chest felt like it was cracking open.
“Why did you change your mind, Ry?” she asked suddenly. “I thought we were not going to hold back this time. What happened to writing a new ending for us?”
I cupped her face in my hands, tilting it up to meet mine. I needed her to see my eyes. I needed her to know how desperately I was trying to tell the truth.
“I wanted a life with you. I wanted it more than anything. But I also do not want you to give up your whole life for me.”
“But I am not,” she said, shaking her head.
“You are. You looked at all your choices and you are settling for me.”
“But you are what I want.”
“I do not want that for you. I do not want you to settle. I want you to have every good thing this world can give you.”
“But you are the best thing in my life.”
“No, I am not.” The sound I made was half a laugh, half a choke. “But one day, there will be someone who is that for you. Someone who is right for you. Someone who is good.”
“But… you are good to me.”
That almost made me smile, but I stopped myself. I knew the truth. I was not worth it. All I had ever done was make her cry.
“No, baby, I am not. I was bad for you. I still am.” I did not know how, but my own voice broke then. “I wanted too much. I took too much. So for once in my life, I have to do something good for you. For once, let me do the right thing.”
She was shaking her head, tears falling fast. I lifted my fingers to catch them. When they would not stop, I leaned down and pressed my lips to the corner of her eye. I would kiss every one of them away if I could.
“Ry…” Her voice was raw.
“Ssh. It is okay.”
“This is not fair.”
“I know, baby. I know.” I stroked her hair as her hands gripped my shoulders tighter. “But you know why I have to do this, right?”
She sighed, then gave a weak little nod.
She pulled back, just a bit. She started wiping her eyes, taking big, gulping breaths to calm down. She had stopped crying, but I could tell she was one soft word away from breaking all over again.
“What happens to us now?” she asked, her voice very low.
I smiled as I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Well… we just live.” It was hard to even hear my own words. “Who knows? Maybe five years from now, our paths will cross again. Maybe you will be married to some great motherfucker that I will want to kill. And I will be at your wedding. I will tell you how desperately in love I was with you five years earlier, and we can laugh about how we broke each other’s hearts.”
I had meant it to be a joke. It just came out fucking sad. I tried to give her a real smile, but it would not form right. I could not hide the bitterness in my own words.
“Ry… I do not think I can go on without you.” The tears were coming back.
“You can. And you will. You are strong and brave, Saraphina. My God, you agreed to run away to some distant island with me. Who does that?” I snorted a laugh, and a tiny, fragile smile touched her lips. “You can do anything, baby. I am sure of it.”
The song came to an end. Now there was nothing but the sound of our breathing in the quiet room. My time was up. I slowly let my arms fall from around her.
“I am going to let you go now. And you have to let me go, okay?” My words came out in broken breaths.
She did not say anything. She just looked down at the floor. Good girl. She was trying so hard to hold herself together.
I walked into her bedroom and began gathering my things, shoving them into my bag. She watched me. Her eyes followed every move I made, but she did not speak.
When I was finished, I looked up. She was leaning against the doorframe. Then she turned and went to her closet, pulling out my old black hoodie.
“Here,” she said, holding it out to me.
“It is yours.” I wanted her to have something of mine. At least that.
She gave a small nod and placed the hoodie back on the shelf.
“Please do not leave.” The words were a breath, a whisper. Her back was to me as she faced the closet.
My heart stopped at the sound. I wanted so badly to pull her back into my arms. My hands curled into fists.
Do not break now. Do not you fucking cry, you idiot. If she sees you cry, she will fall apart too.
“Hey,” I said slowly, moving to stand behind her. “I will always be with you. Just like you will always be with me.”
She did not move. I placed my hands on her shoulders and turned her around gently. She was crying again.
“It is not like you will lose me forever. I am still your family.” I wiped her tears away one last time. “I always will be.”
I was not going to say goodbye. I saw it in her eyes—she did not want to hear it either. So I just took a deep breath and kissed her forehead instead. I took my time. I held my breath for as long as I could, until my lungs burned.
When I finally pulled back, I gave her one last smile. “Here is looking at you, kid,” I said, quoting Casablanca. It was her favorite movie, one we had watched together back in Hawaii.
Her lips twitched into a smile mixed with a frown. I looked into her eyes, and she looked into mine, and we both knew. We had loved each other deeply, maybe more than anyone else ever would. Perhaps that had to be enough.
Please be happy, princess. Do not let our best memories make you sad.
And then I walked away.
“Ry…” I could almost hear her soft little voice say it. But she never made a sound.
And I did not turn back.
It was the worst feeling in the world, knowing you love someone and still knowing you can not be together.
I stepped out of her apartment and just started walking. I did not know where I was going. I walked straight ahead for block after block, until I finally reached the pier, where I could not go straight anymore.
My hand went to my pocket and felt the small velvet box inside. I took it out. The little ring was just sitting there. The bright blue stone really did remind me of her eyes.
I could not keep it. It would hurt too much. Before I could think better of it, I drew my arm back and threw the box and the ring as far as I could into the dark water. I saw it glitter once in the air before it disappeared with a splash.
Wait. Did I just throw a five-thousand-dollar ring into the river?
Oh, well. I sneered at my own pathetic self.
I could have taken it back to the store for a refund. But that would not be as dramatic, would it? My stupid mind commented, full of sarcasm.
Bad jokes and hating myself. I guess that is all I have for company now.
As I picked up my bag and turned to leave, I saw that kid, Cole. He was walking his dog. He looked just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.
“Running into you twice in one day. We must be soulmates,” I joked. He just stood there, stiff, not amused.
Cole’s eyes dropped to my duffel bag, then shot back up to my face. He was waiting for an explanation.
“Or maybe the universe is trying to tell me something,” I said, more to myself than to him.
“What are you talking about? Are you two leaving already?” he asked.
I shook my head and let out a hard laugh. “No. But I am.”
Cole looked at me with an expression I could not figure out, maybe confusion, maybe relief, maybe even thanks.
“Oh, do not flatter yourself. I did not do it because of you,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I did it for her.”
He was stunned. His mouth actually fell open. I guess he had not expected that.
“I think you should go see Saraphina. She could really use a friend right now.” I gave him a crooked smile and started to turn away.
“Ryan.” He called my name suddenly. I stopped, but I did not turn around. I did not want to see his face again. “For what it is worth… I think you are doing the right thing.”
Yeah. I just wish it did not feel so fucking terrible.
I did not turn around, but I knew he was still watching me. So I just raised my hand, gave him the middle finger, and kept on walking. I never looked back.
New York City, I hope I do not have to see you again for a very long time.