Chapter 62 When you left me three years ago, it hurt. I felt powerless
Saraphina
Ryan's eyes were deep and focused. He meant it, didn't he? Was I actually hearing this right? Did he just ask me to run away with him?
"Just think about it, Saraphina," he said, his voice low. "Picture your life with me. Five years from now, ten. We'd be together, somewhere beautiful and warm. By the ocean. I'd hold your hand every night. I'd make you breakfast every morning." He was grinning now, a full, bright smile that made my stomach do a slow, painful turn.
Everything he described sounded perfect. I could see it so clearly. The two of us building a new life, a real home. Maybe, one day, having a family of our own.
"Is that a smile? I see a smile," he said, his eyes fixed on my face.
I caught myself. Had I really been smiling?
"But that's not how life works, Ryan," I said, shaking my head. "We can not just disappear into the sunset and get a happy ending."
"Why not?"
My mind filled with pictures of my mom and Clement. They would be crushed. And my whole family, my friends… my grandmother might never recover. And Cole. Cole would be destroyed. I'd be wrecking the people I loved most. And for what?
"Why not? Your father and my mother, for starters," I shot back.
"So what? They have each other. We could have us."
"You're insane, Ryan."
"I mean it. Why can not we just choose to be happy together?"
"Because that's a fairy tale! That is not real life. This is not a fucking Disney movie!"
"You're the one making this difficult, Saraphina."
"No, you are! I was fine before you showed up again. I was finally in a good place. Why did you have to come back and mess everything up?" I couldn't stop my voice from rising.
He looked stunned. His brow furrowed. I felt the tears break free then, a hot rush down my cheeks. A sob tore out of me, and I did not know where it came from. Ryan seemed helpless, unsure what to do. He reached for me, but I pushed his hand away.
"Damn it," he muttered under his breath.
I moved past him, taking a few steps to try and pull myself together.
"You should have never come back," I said, my voice raw.
For three whole years, I had worked to put myself back together. I was finally okay. And now, here we were, right back at the beginning. How was I supposed to survive it this time?
A long silence stretched between us, so heavy it felt like its own presence in the air.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked suddenly. I did not answer. "I will leave if that's what you want. I'll go away for good, and you'll never have to see me again… But before I do, there's something I need you to see."
I turned to look at him. His jaw was set, his expression intense. What could he possibly want to show me? Curiosity got the better of me. I took a long breath and nodded.
Soon, we were walking uptown on Fifth Avenue. He stopped us in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral. I gave him a confused look. Why here?
"Come on," he said, nodding toward the doors.
The cathedral was a beautiful, massive building. I'd been inside a few times as a kid. I always loved the colored glass windows and the huge, sweeping ceiling. It all felt so grand.
"Ryan, why are we here?" I asked.
"Tell me something," he said, ignoring my question. "Do you believe in God?"
"What?" I stared at him. "What does that have to do with anything?"
He walked to a pew and I followed. We sat in a back row. He was looking straight ahead, toward the altar.
"My mother believed strongly. She'd wake me up early every Sunday for church. I had to wear a button-down shirt and nice pants, the whole deal," he said, giving a soft laugh.
I smiled, picturing a little Ryan all dressed up. He was still looking forward, so I kept my eyes on his profile.
"I never knew who God was. Never met him. For a long time, I pictured some old guy with a beard on a throne, judging everyone," he went on. He paused, then said, "But my mom, she said God isn't like that. She said God is love. Do you believe in love, Saraphina?"
"Ryan… what is this about?" I was completely lost. Where was he going?
"It's a simple question. Do you believe in love?" He turned his head slightly toward me.
"I suppose so," I said, but it sounded weak even to me.
"Do you believe in our love?" His eyebrows lifted.
"I… I do not know."
"That's okay. That's honest. My point is, there are things in this world you can not explain. God. Love. You can't see it or hold it, but you know it's real. For three years, I traveled everywhere, looking for something real to hold onto. And you know what I found? The only real thing I've ever had in my life is you. My love for you. What we have."
"Ryan…"
"When you left me three years ago, it hurt. I felt powerless. I felt like you'd betrayed me. Especially because you didn't even let me try to fix things. All I wanted was to fight for you. I was so angry. But after a while, I realized something. You left me, but that didn't mean you stopped loving me. And I couldn't stop loving you, even when I tried. So when I was finally free, I knew I had to find you. I had to see if that love was still there. And you know what? I have my answer. Even if you won't say it, I know."
Ryan turned fully to face me now. His look was soft but serious. He cradled my face in his hands.
"What I had with you, what I still have with you, is the most real fucking thing in my whole life."