Chapter 56 I wish I’d done everything on earth with you
Dear Saraphina,
I’m leaving for the world tour today.
For the past few days, I’ve been going around town, saying goodbye to all my family and friends. But there’s still one person that I haven’t said goodbye to. So I’m sitting at the terminal gate now, waiting to board the plane, and I’m just writing to let you know that this will be my last email to you.
You never gave me a chance for some closure. I thought at least I deserved that. So since you’re not willing to do it for me, I’m doing it for myself. So here it goes.
Good bye Saraphina. You were the highlight of my summer, actually, quite possibly you were the highlight of my 19 years of living. I will never forget you and our summer together. I wish I could say I applaud your selflessness for choosing our family over us, but who am I kidding? I think your choice sucked. You chose what was convenient for everyone and I hated it. But, like you said in Rule Number 3, no matter what happens, I won’t look back in regret. I don’t regret ever knowing you or loving you. And given the chance, I’d do it all over again.
Ryan.
The air left my lungs. My heart felt like it had dropped straight into my gut. That horrible, aching wave of feeling rushed over me all over again.
Maybe it was the emotion. Maybe it was the tequila. But my fingers were moving on their own, scrolling through my contacts until I found his name. Before I could talk myself out of it, I unblocked his number and pressed call. I had no idea what time it was where he was, or if he was even on the ground. He might not answer. But…
“Hello?” His voice was a shock.
He answered.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. There was too much to say. I did not know where to start.
“Saraphina?” he said again.
“…Hi,” I finally managed, the word barely a breath.
“Hey.” His voice was soft. He was quiet for a moment. “I see you unblocked my number.”
“I… I read your email. I just wanted to wish you good luck. On the tour,” I stammered.
“Thanks,” he replied.
Silence filled the line again.
“How are you… Ry?” The question felt torn from me.
“How am I?” He paused. “Saraphina, you fucking left. You wrote a stupid note on a piece of paper and just left me. How do you think I was doing?”
“Ry, I am so sorry. I did what I thought was best.”
“It does not matter now. I get why you did it. I just wished… you had done it differently.”
“I am sorry…” The words were empty and useless.
He was quiet again, but I could hear him breathing on the other end of the line. Oh god, how I wanted him here. To have him breathing next to me.
“Saraphina, why did you call me?” he asked, his voice low.
Because I miss you. I miss you so much it feels like I can’t breathe.
“I… I don’t know. I just wanted… to hear your voice.”
I heard him sigh. It was a tired, broken sound.
“Saraphina, can you do something for me? Please?”
“Anything.”
“Do not call me again. Ever. And do not try to be nice to me, either. Because I cannot just be your brother. I barely made it through losing you the first time. You calling me now… it makes me hope for things, and I do not want that. I cannot go through it again. So, please. If you are lucky, you will only see me at Thanksgiving, or weddings, or funerals.”
Every word was a physical pain. I never knew you could hurt so badly from just words.
“Ryan”
“Goodbye, Saraphina. I wish you all the best.”
Then, his voice was gone. Replaced by a flat, empty tone that told me the call was over.
This was it. The real end of us.
My legs could not hold me up anymore. They folded beneath me. I slid down the door until I was sitting on the cold ground. I pulled my knees to my chest, buried my face against them, and cried. I cried so hard my whole body shook. I cried until there was nothing left.
He was all I had ever wanted.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying with everything in me to see his face in my mind, half-believing that if I tried hard enough, he would really be there when I opened them.
“I wish I’d done everything on earth with you,” he once said.
I have no idea how long I sat there on the rough concrete. It could have been ten minutes. It could have been an hour. But eventually, I opened my wet eyes and saw a pair of shoes right in front of me.
My heart leaped. Ryan?
“Saraphina? Are you all right, love?” a voice asked.
Slowly, I looked up at the person standing over me.
“Noah?”