Chapter 52 I can’t describe how happy you made me
Ryan
"Saraphina?" My voice was thick with sleep as I reached for her, but my hand found nothing, only empty space where she should have been.
I forced my eyes open. The tent was empty. I sat up, looked around, then stumbled outside. Nothing. No one. The quiet was wrong.
A sick feeling started in my gut. I fumbled for my phone. It was after ten in the morning. Her flight left at eleven. What the hell? I knew I’d set an alarm.
"Shit," I breathed out, the confusion turning cold. Her things were gone, too.
I called her. It went straight to that empty voicemail message. I dragged my shirt and jeans on, not even bothering to button them right, and took off running for my truck. I shouted her name into the trees, but the only answer was my own voice coming back to me. The truck was there, our stuff was there, but she was not.
Did she just go? Or was she taken? That couldn’t happen. My head was a mess, spinning with awful pictures. I got the engine started and tore out of there, the tires spitting dirt behind me.
"What do you mean she’s already gone?!" I was yelling into the phone. I’d called the house and Louisa answered. She told me Saraphina had left for the airport.
"She came back to the house really early, grabbed her bags, and said goodbye. She said she was heading out," Louisa explained. Her voice was careful. "Ryan, what’s happening?"
"Nothing. It’s nothing. Thanks." I ended the call and threw the phone onto the seat beside me.
Fuck. I couldn’t believe she would just leave.
I pushed the truck harder, flying down the road.
Please, just let me not be too late. Please. I know we aren’t exactly close, but if I could ask for one thing… just let me see her face one more time.
But I guess no one was listening. When I finally reached the airport, I looked up at the departures board. Her flight was gone. It was in the air.
She was really gone.
All the air left my body. For a long moment, I didn’t know what to do. I could not get a full breath. My vision got cloudy. A fire was burning right behind my ribs. I knew what the board said, but my mind would not accept it. It refused.
Was she truly gone? Just like that? No real goodbye, no explanation?
I was furious. Lost. So completely confused. But more than anything, there was this raw, open hurt. This fucking sucks.
I could not make it make sense. Last night, we were together, telling each other everything. Now I was sitting alone in my truck in this stupid parking lot, with no idea why. I sat there for a long time, maybe an hour, before I finally pointed the truck toward home. I had nowhere else.
The house looked the same when I got there, but it felt different. Colder. I walked past the garage and saw my bike, and the two helmets sitting side by side. I wanted to punch something. I shoved the garage door shut harder than I needed to and went inside.
"Ryan? Are you okay?" Louisa asked as soon as I walked in.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t have any words left.
"She told me she said goodbye to you," she said softly.
The words were like a physical slap. "No," I managed to say. "She did not."
Louisa looked at me, her mouth opening like she wanted to say more, but she stayed quiet. I turned and walked up the stairs.
On the way to my room, I stopped at her door. I pushed it open slowly, half expecting to see her curled on the bed.
"Hey, Ry," I imagined her saying.
But the room was empty. Tidy. It was sterile and still. Every trace of her was cleaned away. It was like she had never been here at all. I closed the door, my throat tight, and drifted into my own room.
It was empty, of course. Just how I’d left it.
But the bed made me think of her. The chair by the window made me think of her. The stupid books on the floor made me think of her. A wild, angry energy took over. I started grabbing things and throwing them, breaking whatever I could get my hands on. I didn’t care who heard. I only cared about one thing. And she was not here.
I was about to sweep a pile of CDs off my desk when I saw it. A folded piece of paper. I grabbed it, and inside was Saraphina’s ring, and a note.
‘Ryan,’
‘I’m sorry I’m a coward. I knew if I saw you, I wouldn’t be able to leave, so I’m writing this instead.’
‘Thank you for showing me what love is. Thank you for teaching me how to be brave. I’m sorry I couldn’t be brave enough to see this through to the end.’
You always say life is like an ocean, that we should just go where the current takes us. But I think life is about the choices we make. Right now, I have to make one, and I believe it’s the right one.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ry, but I am choosing our family over us. What we had was incredible, but my family means everything to me. They have to come first.’
‘I know you won’t agree, but please try to understand. Please don’t try to find me or change my mind. Because you might, and I can’t let that happen.’
Just know I will always treasure this summer. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t describe how happy you made me. You are a good, kind, and loving person. You have the best heart. I’m so glad I got to see it. I wish you everything wonderful in your life.’
‘You will always have a piece of me. And I will always be your family,'
‘Saraphina.’