Chapter 36 Nothing could have prepared me for how that felt.
Saraphina
“I love you. I fucking love you.”
Those words from Ryan would not leave me. The whole world went quiet, like someone had pressed mute. The only things in the whole universe were the rough sound of his breathing and those three words, playing over and over in my mind. I was stuck. I had no idea what to say or do. I just stood there, completely frozen.
“I’ve known for a while. I just never thought I’d actually say it,” he went on.
All those words. Just words.
I searched my brain for any words of my own, but there was nothing. My mind was a complete blank.
“Saraphina… please, say something,” Ryan said, his gaze digging into mine.
Panic took over. What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do?
“Just run,” a voice in my head screamed.
So I did. I turned and I ran. I heard him call my name, but I did not dare to look back.
Just run, Saraphina, run!
Back at the dinner, I made some weak excuse about not feeling well, bad shrimp, probably, and told my mom I was going to my room. I told Gabe we would talk tomorrow at the wedding.
I knew I was a coward. I absolutely was. But everything was moving too fast and it was all too much. I had to do something to protect myself. Running was not the real answer, but it meant I was safe for one more day.
That night, I switched my phone off and locked the door of my hotel room. We were all staying at the beachfront hotel where the wedding would be tomorrow. Thankfully, I had a room to myself. I was so relieved; I could be alone and finally try to make sense of this mess.
That was it. I just needed to get my head clear and find a way out of this.
But no matter how hard I tried to find a good answer, I could not. Ryan and I had messed up the moment we decided to have our fun before the wedding. It was a mistake we could not take back, and now we were stuck with what came next.
Dealing with the aftermath was horrible. I wanted to shut down completely, like a machine. I wished for an undo button, a way to go back and slap myself right before I ever agreed to that stupid deal with Ryan. It should never have happened. But it did, and now it was too late.
Where was the force-quit button for real life? The one that lets you close the whole program and start over?
I would make it clear to him tomorrow. I would tell him we could not keep doing this, that we had gone too far and broken every rule. I practiced the speech in my head again and again. The long list of reasons why we would never work. It began with ‘you’re my brother now,’ and it ended the exact same way.
As for Gabe, I thought that would be simpler. I felt terrible for him, but I needed to be honest. I had to tell him I just did not have those kinds of feelings for him.
I did not sleep at all that night. I was a ball of nerves for the day ahead. I knew it was a huge day for everyone, not just my mom.
I got out of bed early and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a complete mess. What kind of maid of honor has dark circles this bad?
But that was what makeup was for.
“Today is the day,” I told myself, looking at the maid of honor dress hanging behind the door. Sunlight poured through the bathroom window and made the dress sparkle. I just had to put on this dress and survive the day.
Once I was ready, I went to my mom’s room to check on the bride. My breath caught when I saw Louisa in her wedding gown. She looked incredible, absolutely radiant. She was smiling so widely, glowing with pure joy. It made me glad to see her so happy; I was not sure I had ever seen her like this before. Right then, I promised myself I would not ruin her happiness with my own stupid drama, meaning everything with Ryan.
“It ends today,” I told myself once more. “All of it ends today.”
Before I knew it, it was time for the ceremony.
I have to say, it was the most beautiful wedding I had ever seen. The sunset was our background. A path of flower petals lay on the sand between the wooden chairs, leading up to the altar, which was a wooden arch draped in white silk and covered in blossoms.
All the guests began to stand when they saw me enter. Gentle music floated through the air. Louisa was walking right behind me. I heard the soft, admiring sounds from the crowd, and I spotted Gabe and Vanessa among them.
Then I lifted my eyes to the altar again, and I saw him.
Ryan, in a tuxedo. Nothing could have prepared me for how that felt.
Ryan
It crashed into me. The most beautiful sight I had ever seen. She was coming down the aisle in a pale dress, her long hair loose. There were flowers in her hair. She was smiling at people, sometimes looking down, a little shy with all the eyes on her. She was so beautiful, and she did not even seem to know it.
When her eyes finally found mine, it was indescribable. It was like the entire world just stopped. Nothing else was important.
My eyes stayed on her through the whole ceremony. She tried to look away a few times, but her gaze always found its way back to me. We had not talked since last night, but our eyes were having a whole conversation.
I really scared her last night, did not I?
I told her I loved her and she ran for her life. That was definitely not what I was hoping for. I could see the fear in her eyes. I knew this was complicated and hard, but I would not change a thing. She was the one for me, and even if she would not say it, I knew she felt the same way.
You can run all you want, Saraphina Livingston, but I am never letting you go.