Chapter 43

ANGEL SINCLAIR.

At dawn, I hear someone knocking on my bedroom door. I'm still a bit bewildered, I've had hardly any sleep and it's still early, around 5 to 6 in the morning.

"Come in," I say.

I'm startled to see that it's Bryan and I sigh deeply, because I thought it was Dad. He's already dressed in his school uniform and sits down on an ottoman in front of me. Bryan clasps his hands together and begins to speak.

"Angel, I want to apologize to you, first and foremost. I didn't think before I said those things... I was wrong. You really did it because you cared about me, but at that moment I didn't think anything of it. I just looked for a shield to defend myself in advance and that shield was everything I said. I set myself up for you because I didn't want you to see me like that, nor did I want you to feel obliged to look after me as if I were still a child. I made a mistake and I'm here to ask you to make it up to me, and if possible, to make it right. As far as I'm concerned, this will never happen again. I'd think twice before saying those things again," Bryan says.

"I don't want to hear your apologies, Bryan, just as I don't want to hear your speeches, your pretty words. You were drunk, okay, but you said everything you already thought or wanted to say," I say, "It wasn't nice what you did, it was terrible. I'd already told you that I didn't like the idea of you starting to go out with Cedric, and I didn't say it for nothing, but you didn't listen. And I can assure you that I didn't want to care about your life, but last night I tried to sleep and I couldn't, because I knew you wouldn't be well. So I went there, to bring you back home and make sure you'd be okay here. It wasn't for reputation or status, it was for you, Bryan, it was because I care about you. But despite all that, I saw that it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it because it ended up causing me an accident and it wasn't worth it either because you're not going to change just because I want you to, you only change if you want to, and depending on you, that's not going to happen any time soon."

"There's no guarantee that I can change, and to be honest, I don't intend to right now. This is who I am, Angel. I'm the way I am, even though I'm all wrong, I'm still a good person, I just don't know how to control myself. Didn't you see all the shit that happened? It was all my fault. If I'd just accepted your help and gone home with you without discussing your attitude, which I didn't take kindly to, we'd be fine now," he explains.

"But look at all the shit you've caused," I add, "Dad, who was crazy about you, now hates you and even wants you out of our house," I say.

"If it's for your own good, I'll leave. If you want me to, Angel, I'll get out of here. I don't want to be in a place knowing that we could keep getting hurt at any moment," Bryan says.

I see pity in his tired eyes. His red, hungover face gives the impression of sadness, too. Bryan is like this because he's also realizing what's happening here. We can't help feeling this way about each other and that's what's killing us.

"You don't have to leave, Bryan. If I had to leave, I'd rather you and your mother left together. But for your sake, I think leaving our house would be much worse. You'd be living alone and that would be a real disaster. You wouldn't be able to cope with all your problems and you'd give yourself up to this weak life you're living, but don't do that. You're still here, but you're putting limits on your own attitudes. Have you ever stopped to realize that everything would be easier if you thought about the consequences before you did anything? Try to act less on impulse," Bryan nods.

"What about us?" he asks.

I feel my heart ache. I'm sure Bryan has been wanting to ask this since the beginning of our conversation, but he was holding back so as not to be too direct. It's a subject that also interests me a lot, but unfortunately it has to come to an end.

"Well, we...", I stutter to say, "I don't think there is any more we, Bryan", I say.

As soon as I say this, Bryan lowers his head, still sitting down. A huge silence forms in the room, with only the sound of birds near the window. I don't know what to say, and it seems he doesn't either.

"Do you think or are you sure?" Bryan asks, now raising his head.

"I don't know," I say, putting my hand to my forehead, "this is all very confusing for me. Now Lorenzo's come along and he's a good person," Bryan's countenance changes for a moment, "I want to try with him, I want to try with someone other than you, because this isn't being nice. I knew from the start that it wasn't going to be good".

Bryan gets up from the pouf and moves even closer to my bed.

"Whatever you decide, I'll respect it. If you want to be with Lorenzo, go ahead, but don't forget about me," he says.

"There's no forgetting you, but I'll at least try to be with someone who fills your presence a little," I say, feeling the tears wanting to appear on my face.

"No one is going to replace me, you won't find another guy who has our chemistry, but you can find someone better than me. In fact, I think you already have," he says, his voice shaking.

Two tears finally escape. I didn't want to cry in front of Bryan, but it was very unavoidable. After realizing it, I feel his hand stroking my hair and Bryan bends down a little.

I feel his face close to mine, I just didn't expect him to seal our lips. As he now caresses my cheek, we kiss lightly. Bryan finally pulls away and gives me a weak smile. I notice that his eyes are also watery.

He only leaves my room sullenly and looks at me as he's about to close the door. When I hear the sound of the door closing, I look at my eyes and let the other tears fall, forming several. Why is it so hard to like someone like that? I'll never understand.