Chapter 41 Suicidal Mating

POV: Haven

I have been back home for a week now. I have stuck to avoiding Jax at all cost. The one time I spoke to him was when Luke convinced him to talk to me. I told him what I had to say and left.

I've felt funny ever since that day. My depression has been bad. Mom has suggested I go see Lana again but I refuse. I don't want to talk about it.

I hate this. I miss my friend. I had a dream last night. I'm to give Jax another message. This time I told Luke to just tell him this time. I relayed the message to Luke to tell to Jax. I have no idea what it means and I don't much care. Her message was for Jax to look in Cameron's nursery at the bottom of the top draw of the dresser.

"Haven let's go outside today." Penny tries. She's been trying to get me ot of this mood. I haven't budged yet and I'm not going to. "No. I don't feel like it."

"You never feel like it. Look I know your hurting right now but sitting in this room all day is not helping you. I hate seeing my bestie like this." She says. I've officially made Penny my Bestie. Jax is no longer in that slot or even close.

"I just don't want to Penny. I can't. I can't face that." I tell her. I walk out this room I will see Jax and I can't handle that. My heart can't take it. It almost physically hurts my heart to face him and just walk away. Unfortunately thats what he wants.

"Haven you have to try. Your not going to feel any better this way." Penny tries. Tears run down my face. "I'm sorry Penny I can't."

I can't do this any longer. Luke and dad are leaving tonight to go to Liam and do something. Mom has been busy helping Jax with Cameron. That hurts. I haven't seen much of anyone. Penny is the only one that tries to help me and I refuse her because I can't bring myself to face any of this anymore.

My heart hurts and is broken. I miss Raphael. I'm having these strange feelings towards Jax lately. I don't understand them. Jax hates me. I don't want to be here. "Penny you know I love you right?" I tell her.

"Oh course. I love you to." She says. "Good. I just wanted you to know." I tell her. I'm going to do something I haven't done in a very long time.

"Penny you can go. I will be fine. I just want to take a nap. I didn't sleep well last night."

"Oh well ok. I will let you do that but I will check in later." She leaves. I wait for her to go. I text mom, dad and Luke leaving three words. I love you.

I email a letter to Jax. I feel I need to do this. I go to the bathroom and break the mirror hoping no one heard that.

**********************************

POV: Jax.

Luke just told me about a message sent to me by the goddess. I go ahead and follow it. I find what I'm to find. Its an envelope addressed to me. I open it carefully.

Dear Jax,

By the time you will read this I will have been gone. I so sorry. I love you with all my heart. I could not give our baby up. I never wanted to leave you. I want you to be happy.

I know Jax. I know about Haven. It took me a while to figure it out but I know. Its ok to be with her. I know that she has a mate now but imprints don't just come along so when the time comes be with her. Love her. I want you to.

Tell our son I love him. I know that Haven will be an excellent mother to him. It is all ok. I know you are hurt and angry and guilty but do not feel this way. Let Haven be there for you.

With all my love, Catalina

She knew. I let out a loud sob. "Its ok. Be with mate." Ash tells me. "I can't not after what I've done to her."

"Yes you can. Haven will forgive you. She loves you." Ash pushes. I look at the letter once more. Fuck. I have to fix this. I March right to Haven's  room but the closer I got Ash started getting antsy. "Excited im finally giving in." I smirk at him.

"No. Hurry. Something is wrong. Go to mate now." He says. What!?. I begin to panick and hurry as fast as I can to her. I just burst through the door and the sight breaks my heart.

There she is standing there with a dazed look a broken peice of glass at her wrist. "Drop it!" I demand of her. She doesn't even budge. Its like she's not even here. I walk to her grabbing her by the wrist thats holding the glass taking it from her. Damn it. I thought we were past the suicide attempts. I guess she relapsed.

"What were you thinking. Did you really think I would just let you leave me?!" I yell at her. Her eyes start to water. She looks me right in the eyes. She attempts to push me away but I hold her tight. She snuggles but gives up in the end. "It's not like you care anyway. You hate me now. What did I do?" She cries.

Guilt fills my heart. This is my fault. I pushed her to this. "I do not hate you. I love you." I confess.

"No you don't. You don't even want to see me. My family can be around you and thats fine but let me around and we have a problem. I'm just a burden here to everyone. No one wants me around. Everywhere I go someone wants to hurt me. You are the worst of all. You claimed to be my friend yet the second everything goes bad you push me away and tell me that I'm not allowed near you anymore. Tell me how is that you loving me. No you hate me and I have no idea what I did to deserve this. Cat was my friend too and I wasn't even allowed to come say goodbye to her." She rants crying and screaming.

I just take in every word she says. I was selfish. I didn't think of the damage I was doing to her. I hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. "I know it feels that way right now but there are things you don't know and I never wanted you to find out this way." I tell her.

"No. No. There's not anything I need to know. I just want to go. I don't want to be here anymore."

"No don't say that. You are wanted here Haven. Your are loved. I love you and want you here. I can't lose you. I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me." I beg her.

She cries harder. "Why? Why did you act that way?"

I grab her hand feeling the sparks. Inknow she feel them but she's so upset she can't focus. "Do you feel that?" I ask her. For a moment she stops and looks confused. She stares at her hand. I lift her head up to look at me. I kiss her.

She doesn't respond at first but eventually does wrapping her arms around my neck. I hear her heart pounding. I'm finding it hard to stop. Its like I'm so lost in her in this daze. Haven seems to be the same way. I lift her up. Her legs instantly wrap around me. I take her right out of that room not breaking the kiss not once.

I take her to my bedroom. I'm not even in control of my movements anymore. I'm just going through the motions stuck in the moment. Its the imprint. It does this. It is quite intense.

I push her place her back against the wall. My kisses now beginning to trail lower. My hands play with the hem of her shirt before I take it off of her. Haven is a tiny little thing for sure.

My hands cup her bra covered breast. I suck and nip on her neck. She moans. The sound goes straight down. Fuck.

I unhook her bra. Once its off I cup her now exposed breast. I back up to the bed. When I get close I turn around and lay her in the middle.

I take my shirt off and pants. My mouth latches to one of her nipples. My thumb rubs the other one. She moans. Her little moans sound like music.

I move up kissing her lips. She tastes delicious. My hands slide her shorts off along with her panties. She is now completely naked before me. I don't think I have ever seem anything more beautiful.

I kiss, nip, and lick down her body. I only stop between her legs. I kiss each of her thighs. I know I should stop but I can't im to far in the same to care. Haven has yet to stop me.

I suck on her clit gently. Her hands go right to my hair. She is so wet. I slowly and gently slide a finger into her. She sucks in a breath.

She moans. I'm so hard right now. Removing my mouth with my thumb rubbing wide circles on her clit.

I add a second finger. She is so tight. I'm going to be a tight fit in her. Not to worry though I'll have her little pussy molded to only fit me in no time.

I pump in my fingers into her. She begins to tighten around them. She's close. I want to taste her. I change pace shoving my tongue right into her core. My thumb continues to now rub tight small circles on her clit.

She explodes and I eat her up. She taste so good. I could just eat her all day. Her grip on my hair tighten at the feeling.

I move up and kiss her lips. I slip down my underwear. I grab my length. This is going to hurt at first. The last time she well you know she was 14. She has never done this since. She's tight. I'm ten inches in length. Not to mention how thick I am.

I stroke my self a few times then rub the tip between her folds. I enter the tip in. Then hold her hands with our fingers intertwined has I push in more. I move in her slowly. I grunt as I'm now full in her. She's tense and a tear slips from eye.

I kiss her lips to distract her from the pain I know she's in. She's doing so good. I move slowly in and out. This isn't me fucking her. No I make love to her.

I let every emotion seep into every movment I make. She does the same. She relaxes and moans.

My pace fastens just a little. When I know I'm close and can feel she is too I quick my pace thrust sloppily. She climaxes and I sink my cainine into her neck marking her as mine. I come inside of her spilling deep into her.

I roll off of her still in a daze. I fall asleep with her in my arms.