Chapter 173 Apology
Ryder's POV
Before Sage could answer my question, before she could tell me whether she still loved me or not, I knew I needed to say something first.
"Wait," I said, holding up my hand. "Before you answer that, I need to say something."
Sage nodded, her expression cautious. She folded her hands in her chest and waited, and the patience in that small gesture made what I was about to say feel even more necessary.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to say the words I should have said three weeks ago. The words I had been rehearsing in the dark every night since she left and had not had the chance to deliver until now.
"I'm sorry." My voice came out rough but steady. "I'm so sorry, Sage. For all of it."
"Ryder—"
"Please let me finish." I needed to get this out before I lost my nerve entirely. "I was wrong. About everything. I handled the situation in the worst possible way and I have no excuse for it."
Sage stayed quiet, watching me with those green eyes that had a way of mesmerizing me.
"I should have called you every single day," I continued. "I should have checked on Jaxon. I should have been there for you the way Diego was. Hell I should have been there more than he was. I should have been the person you could count on instead of the person who disappeared when things got hard." I stopped for a second, making sure the words were landing the right way. "I know what it cost you not to have that. I know because I watched Diego step into the space I left empty and I hated every part of what that said about me."
"You were scared," Sage said softly.
"Yes, I was terrified." I nodded. "I was terrified of losing Tommy, who is the only family I have right now, and that fear swallowed me whole. But being scared is not an excuse for abandoning you. Being overwhelmed is not an excuse for going silent for a week. Being consumed by my own crisis is not an excuse for acting like yours did not exist."
I moved closer to her, closing some of the distance between us but not all of it. Not yet.
"I let fear control me," I said. "I let it turn me into someone I am ashamed of. Someone who abandoned the woman he loves when she needed him most. Someone who was too much of a coward to pick up the phone and ask if the person he claimed to love was still standing."
"Tommy almost died," Sage said. Her voice was not defensive. It was almost like she was offering me the excuse because she was generous enough to try, even now.
"So did Jaxon." I countered gently. "And I didn't ask about him even once. Not a call, not a message through the brothers, not a single word to let you know I was thinking about you or that I gave a damn whether either of you made it through. I just hid in Tommy's hospital room and told myself I would deal with everything else when things settled down. And things never settle down. I know that. I have always known that. I just used it as a reason to stay where I was."
"You were focused on your brother."
"That's what I told myself too." I dragged a hand through my hair. "But the truth is I was being selfish. I was so buried in my own fear and my own pain that I could not see past it to where you were sitting alone in a different waiting room in the same building. And you suffered for that. You sat there and watched Diego show up every day and you deserved that from me. It should have been me."
Sage did not argue, which told me everything.
"I don't have an excuse," I said. "I don't have some explanation that makes what I did okay or reframes it into something more understandable. I was wrong and I hurt you and I will carry that for the rest of my life regardless of what you say to me today."
"Ryder—"
"I'm not done." I took another breath, steadying myself. "You deserved better than what I gave you. You deserved someone who showed up. Someone who calls. Someone who makes you feel like you were important even when they were dealing with their own worst moment. You deserved what Diego gave you in those two weeks. What I should have given you and chose not to."
I was close enough now that I could have reached for her. I kept my hands at my sides.
"If I could go back and do it differently, I would," I said. "I would call you every single day. I would check on Jaxon. I would split my time between Tommy's room and yours even if I had to walk the length of that hospital corridor a hundred times to do it. I would make sure you knew that you mattered to me, that you were not something I was going to put down when it got heavy and pick back up when I was ready."
"But you can't go back," Sage said quietly.
"No." I shook my head. "I can't go back and fix it. All I can do is stand here and tell you that I know exactly what I did. That I understand why you left. That I do not blame you for choosing Diego over me because he proved himself and I proved the opposite."
Sage's eyes were shining now, the tears sitting right at the edge.
"I'm asking if you can forgive me," I said, my voice breaking up finally. "Not forget. Not pretend it did not happen. Just forgive me for failing you when it mattered most."
"Ryder—"
"And I'm asking if there's any chance you might still want to be with me." I forced myself to keep going even though every word felt like opening something that had been closed for a long time. "Even after everything. Even knowing I messed up this badly. Even knowing I let you down when you needed me. Is there any chance you could trust me again? Give me another shot to prove I can be better than who I was in that hospital?"
I stopped talking and stood there waiting, my heart pounding so hard it was the only sound I could hear.
"I don't expect you to say yes," I added. "I know I don't deserve another chance. I know Diego was better to you in two weeks than I was in months. I know you have every reason to walk out of here and never look back. But I'm asking anyway because I have to know. Is there any chance at all?"
Sage's eyes filled with tears and she took a step toward me, and I did not know if she was about to forgive me or tell me it was truly over.