I know I'm not the most open person to talk about feelings, but somehow I make it clear that I wish he could have seen that.
But it doesn't do much good now that I've screwed up, and even though I've tried to fix it, we've ended up estranged. And now we are back to square one, looking like two strangers who don't even talk to each other.
I didn't meet him these days because I avoided going to Julie's house a lot, it was a week of exams, and I had to concentrate as much as possible on my studies.
...
Today is Saturday, and I will eat something in a nearby restaurant. I'm not in the mood to cook, Chantal is not at home, and I don't like to be alone because I keep thinking about him.
As soon as I close the door, I turn around, and Chris looks at me. My heart speeds up at the same instant. I think he notices my body doesn't even disguise it, but I don't care.
When I see the backpack he is carrying, and I remember that Julie confirmed that he would travel to work on a video game he and their friend created a while ago.
I am happy for him, but it will take a long way from here, and despite everything, I still hoped that we could somehow be okay. But now I feel that we won't.
I almost say this to him, but I choose to keep quiet because I don't want to get in the way of his life just because I think he might back out in some way and want to feel for me what he said he was feeling these days. He has made it clear that he doesn't want this anymore.
We say goodbye. Not in a way that I would like, but the moment allows. I know it is goodbye because he has to leave this afternoon and I won't see him again for the day.
...
I am no longer hungry and face the macaroni I thought I would enjoy when it was served.
I decide to go to Amanda's house, which is a few blocks away. I don't want to go home now and participate even from afar in Chris's imminent departure from my life. And Amanda always cheers me up.
She welcomes me with a huge smile, and after we talk for a while, I tell her everything that has ever happened between Chris and me, even if in an abbreviated way. She looks pretty surprised but says:
''Well, I could see the chemistry between you.''
I think this hasn't stopped her from flirting with him, but I can't blame her. He is irresistible anyway. She says:
'' Now I understand his fascination with knowing about you.''
I am surprised now and say:
''What?''
She smiles and says:
''All that time we talked in the bar that night, it was all about you. Whenever I brought up anything related to the two of college or us, he would find a way to keep the focus on the parts where I mentioned you. ''
I feel like a bit of an idiot now for getting jealous of her. After feeling much better about what she said, I confess:
''I was very jealous of you that night. I'm sorry.''
She laughs and says:
''He also seemed to hate it when you went out with Ryan. Don't worry; I only said good things about you to him.''
She laughs, and so do I, and I hug her. When we pull away, she says:
''You should talk to him.''
I'm still in doubt:
''I don't know.''
She says:
''Go on. There's still time.''
... Chris...
Julie will be a while because she has just changed into her room. I give up waiting and tell her I'll be in the car in the parking lot of the building. She says she'll be right down, but I know that's not entirely true.
But it's better to wait there than to stay here, trying not to go to Molly's and say goodbye the way I wanted, with a kiss that she will never forget last kiss.
I pass in front of her apartment. I take a deep breath and move on. But I take a few steps back and stand in front of her door. I raise my eyes and try not to think too hard, or I won't do it. I knock on the door and wait. But no one comes, so as much as I don't want to insist, I do it and hit a few more times, but I don't think there is anyone home.
Maybe it's a sign to let it go, and I end up doing it, even if it doesn't make me feel the best possible way. As I get into the elevator, I think: Well, Molly, I guess that's the end.
I get to Julie's car and put my bags in the trunk. I see that Molly's car is there, so maybe she is home and chose not to answer the door, but I end up giving up on that idea because I saw her leaving earlier, and she sure wasn't home. But when I found her, it was still early, and maybe she was home when I knocked on the door...
Damn it!
I don't want to think about that. Did Julie need to take so long? Good thing it's only 4:30 in the afternoon because otherwise, I would miss my flight if it was up to her.
I could call a cab, but she insisted she wanted to take me to the airport. So I won't go against my little sister. After all, we won't see each other for a long time.