I stand there for a while until I hear that he is considering returning to New York. I didn't think that a heart could stop, and someone still is alive, but I swear I have the feeling that mine stopped for a few seconds.
I don't even like to remember how bad I felt when he had to return to New York after what happened to Colin and me, and I was still mad at Chris, so I know I won't react very well if he goes this time.
If he does go... What if he's leaving for good? I didn't think I could feel worse, but I guess I do after thinking that.
I take a deep breath and turn the knob because suddenly I want to see him now. I want to tell him many things even though I am still angry with him. Hearing that he might walk away makes me want to swallow my pride and try to get closer again, but I swear I am afraid he will react the way he did before because I liked the new Chris. I should have made it more obvious.
He and Julie sit at the kitchen table and look in my direction as soon as they hear me come in. I try to smile at them both, but as soon as my eyes meet his, my heart goes fast. I knew I had missed him, but now I realize how much.
I say a "Hi" to him because I already met with Julie today, he answers, and I realize that he is feeling the same way I am. I wish our pride would get in the way less, or maybe he wants to forget it all and move on anyway.
As we begin our work, Chris says he is going to his room. I don't know if I am happy that he is not here, making me notice only his presence and not concentrate on anything else, or if I am sad because he is no longer here near me.
As soon as he leaves, I take a deep breath, and Julie says:
''You guys have a roller coaster relationship indeed.''
I try to smile, and Julie completes:
''I'm glad I stopped trying to understand you two.''
I open my other book to page twenty, and we get on with the work questions that are sure to be on the test.
... Chris...
Sam called me yesterday afternoon, and we discussed our project. I can't deny that I am anxious and confident and know that it will work out this time. It will be nice to be away for a while.
...
I was working as a programmer for an electronics chain here in Seattle, but the idea of developing our own game seems much more profitable and exciting to me and is something I enjoy doing the most, always has been. So I resigned from my current job and planned to go to New York this Saturday.
...
''Are you going tomorrow already?''
Julie asks me while serving the macaroni she prepared herself. I answer:
''Yeah. I will check in on the project and when we'll start working on finalizing the game.''
Julie asks as she serves Brennan:
''And when will you be back?''
I say:
''I don't know.''
She looks a little sad now, but then she smiles.
I haven't seen Molly; she hasn't been here these past few days. I hope she is well and better than me. But I know that at some point, I will have to get this woman out of my head, and I will do it.
...
I have already left some things ahead of time since last night, my flight is scheduled for six o'clock, and I still need to go out and buy a backpack. At least I still have plenty of time for that since it is still 11:30 in the morning.
After some research, I find a backpack I like and get in my car back home to finish packing my things.
I leave my car at the building's rationing station and head for the lobby to catch the elevator. I get to our floor and head towards our apartment. Molly has left the house, and I wouldn't say I like how my heart reacts to the mere fact of seeing her.
I thought I was working it out, but all my self-control seems to want to vanish every time she stands in front of me like this.
She closes the door and finally turns around, realizing my approach. At least it's not just me who seems to react this way. She puts on a very different smile than I usually like on her and says:
''Hi.''
I reply:
'' Hi.''
She looks down at my backpack, and for a moment, I think maybe she is sad, but perhaps it is just me wanting her to want me as I like her.
She then tells me:
''Julie said you're going on a trip.''
''Yeah. I have some things to take care of in New York.''
I know she doesn't look pleased right now. I can see it in her eyes. So why all this pride and not admitting it?
I always give her every chance in the world to tell me how she feels, and she chooses not to. I guess I'm just tired of waiting for her to do it.
She looks at me for a while and almost says something but chooses to let it go and put on that fake-looking smile and say:
''I hope it all works out.''
I say:
''Thanks.''
She turns and heads toward the elevator. I enter the house and sigh, running my hand over my eyes. Why does Molly have to be so complicated.
... Molly...
If Chris knew how many messages I had typed him and how many times I had almost pressed the call button while staring at his number on my cell phone screen, he would be gloating right now.
The problem is that I'm not sure I would be. I can't stop thinking about how he took care of me that night when I was sick and how good it felt to wake up and see that he was still here despite the despair I felt when I heard Julie's voice.
It was all worth it. In those days that we were together, I know he also felt the same things that I felt, even though we denied it to each other or ourselves.