Chapter 105 AFTER HEAVY LOSS
DEREK’S POV
I stand in the middle of the camp and feel nothing but weight. Everywhere I look, someone is sitting on the ground, head in their hands, shoulders shaking. The Blood Moon pack isn’t talking much. We don’t have the strength for it.
“How many did we lose?” I ask.
The warrior in front of me swallows. “Most of the fighters from the first and second lines.”
I close my eyes. “Say the names.”
He hesitates. “Do you really want…”
“Yes,” I snapped. “Say them.”
He does, each name feels like a blow to my chest. Wolves I trained with and wolves who trusted me. Wolves who followed my command without question.
When he finishes, I let out a slow breath. “Go,” I say. “Check on the injured again.”
He bows his head and leaves. Another voice speaks behind me. “You should sit.”
I turn. “Don’t tell me what I should do.”
The elder raises his hands. “I’m not your enemy, Derek.”
“Today, everyone feels like one,” I reply.
Silence hangs between us even as I felt the tension of each minute that passed. I was clearly not in the mood because everything that had happened, leading up to that very moment, was something that could have been avoided.
“Where is Amber?” I ask.
His eyes shift away. That alone makes my heart race. “She’s being kept somewhere safe.”
“From who?” I demand. “From me?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“She’s my mate,” I say. “I have a right to be with her.”
“And you have a duty to keep her alive,” he answers. “The bond makes her a target.”
I grind my teeth. “I can feel her fear. I can feel her pain. And you’re asking me to stay away?”
A younger warrior steps closer. “Alpha, if you go to her now, you’ll draw enemies.”
“So I’m supposed to just wait?” I shout. “Like I waited while my soldiers died?”
No one answers because if they did, I knew once again that they would find fault in everything I said. I was clearly not going to answer anyone, that much I knew but still, duty demands
I turned away, my fists clenched so tight they hurt. “Everywhere I look, I see ghosts,” I mutter.
“You didn’t kill them,” the elder says softly.
“I led them,” I replied. “That’s the same thing.”
Another warrior speaks. “They chose to follow you.”
“And they paid for it,” I snapped.
He flinches but doesn’t argue.
I pace back and forth. “If something happens to Amber,” I say, my voice shaking, “I won’t survive it. Not after today.”
“She’s alive,” the elder says quickly. “For now.”
That’s not enough, not even close.
I stare toward the edge of the camp, feeling the bond pull tight inside my chest. “I should be with her,” I whisper.
The camp stays quiet, heavy with grief, and I feel more alone than I ever have before.
Night settles, but no one sleeps. Fires burn low, and shadows stretch across the camp just as I sit on a broken crate, elbows on my knees, staring at the ground.
“She asked for you,” a healer says quietly.
My head snaps up. “Then why am I still here?”
“She asked, and we said no.”
I stand so fast the crate falls. “You don’t get to decide that.”
“She’s weak,” the healer says. “And scared. If something draws attention…”
“I am her mate,” I cut in. “I’m not a threat to her.”
“You are the enemy,” he replies.
I turn away, shaking with anger. “This bond is supposed to mean something.”
“It does,” he says. “That’s why this hurts.”
A warrior approaches. “Alpha, the guards are ready.”
“Good,” I say. “Double them.”
“They’re already doubled.”
“Then triple them,” I snap. “If anyone gets near her, they answer me.”
“Yes, Alpha.”
He leaves without another word even as I watch his retreating back. Never in my life had I ever been this clueless as to not knowing what to do. Usually, I was on top of everything, knowing what to do at every minute but now, this time around, I was completely down and needed someone to help me get back up.
I rub my face, exhausted. “I can still hear them screaming,” I say to no one.
The elder sits nearby. “So can everyone else.”
“I failed them,” I whisper.
“You survived,” he says. “That matters.”
“Not to the dead,” I replied.
We sit in silence for a moment, each with our own thoughts. Mine was on Trent and the gruesome way he had died. I had no idea how I was going to tell Amber about this. If she discovered her brother was dead, she would lose it, that and the fact that she wasn’t yet healed completely from childbirth.
“I feel her,” I say finally. “She’s afraid and she’s trying not to panic.”
“You being calm helps,” the elder says.
I laugh bitterly. “I don’t feel calm.”
“You don’t have to feel it,” he answers. “Just act like it.”
Another shout comes from across the camp. Someone is crying, even breaking down.
“This pack is falling apart,” I say.
“It’s sad,” he corrects.
“I don’t have time to grieve,” I say. “Not when the war isn’t over.”
“You’re allowed to hurt,” he replies.
I shake my head. “If I stop, everything collapses.”
He had always been like a father to me, guiding me every step of the way but at the same time, I realized that this was the best moment for me to take a stand, and a serious one at that.
I stand again. “Send scouts,” I ordered. “Quiet ones.”
“Yes.”
“And keep Amber hidden,” I add, my voice tight. “Even from me.”
The elder studies me. “That hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Yes,” I admit. “More than anything.”
I look toward where I know she is, far from me, protected by distance I hate.
“Hold on,” I whisper, hoping the bond carries it to her. “I’m still here.”
The camp remains silent, wrapped in grief and fear, and I stay standing
, because if I sit, I might never get back up again.
MISERY AT ITS PEAK