Chapter 43 : Adrian...

*I don't want to do this...*

“What do you say, Pearl?” I get rid of the bra with my teeth. “Are you up to it?”

I'm not surprised that we have wound up in this situation again, with me forcing myself on her without proper consent. She hasn't stopped shuddering since I caged her against the wall, and I've not even started yet. Her face is hidden away from me, but I'm sure the droplets plopping down on the mat are her tears. *And fuck if I can tell what she's feeling right now.*

I can't even begin to imagine what'll actually happen if I tie her up again. *Should I just start with light foreplay?* I can ease her into things slowly. *But what if that gives her time and space for overthinking again?* I have her backed up into a corner, so she's simply petrified… *but for how long?* How long will I have to keep crowding her until she gets used to me? *Even her response to our kiss was undecipherable.*

Sighing heavily in her ear, I release her from the trap of my body. She says nothing in response to my retreat and slumps to the floor.

Hiccups steal her breath, forcing her to wheeze. The stream of her tears seem to never end whenever I'm around.

The amount of effort it takes for me to step away almost drives me to my knees. *I'm even ready to beg for her understanding right now.*

My chest tightens the more I try to relax, a stabbing pain keeps making my head spin with delusions. *This is the exact situation I wanted to avoid the most.* Now all that's left for her to do is run away and we'll be over before we even begin. And I have only myself to blame for trusting her again, thinking that she wants to make this work as much as I do.

I mean, if she keeps acting this way, how can I ignore it? I'd have to poke my eyes out and stuff my ears to blockout how unpleasant she finds my advances.

*Why don't I want to force myself on her?* She'd have to give in eventually. I just have to show her how pleasant I can make this for her.

But, no. *I don't want to take that route.*

I can't just keep doing everything on my own. I need her to give me something; a sign or hint that everything l do isn't just wasted effort. Until she approaches me herself, I'm not going to give into my urges either. *Fuck my pride and tendencies, I can hold it in.* I can control myself better than her.

Somewhere inside my head, a quiet voice keeps whispering that I'm being childish. I trample it and collect her clothes from the floor, tossing them at her feet.

*If she thinks she can play with my emotions like this, then I'll just have to show her that two can play this game.*

“Here. Put these back on, I'll take you to your room.”

She freezes momentarily, probably caught off guard to know I'm letting her off the hook after I threatened her like that. She sees me as a villain, alright. I have no doubts now. And fuck me if that doesn't bother me. *It fucking wrecks my heart, godammit!*

I thought I could be her villain, like I've been for all those women who fantasized about being forced into it. *If only I could hear it from her mouth, I'd be anything she wants me to be.* Shaking my head clear of those wistful thoughts, I curl my fingers around the edge of the table and lean against it, waiting for her to get moving.

*What the hell are you doing, Adrian?* You want her so much. Why are you the one who's backing off first? She didn't even say no or tried to push you away. *That must mean something right…?*

Yeah, I know what it means, alright.

It means I'm twisting everything in my head so it could work out in my favour. But thanks to my mother's fucked up discipline sessions, I'm not screwed up like that. I have my flaws and fetishes. But non-consensual play is not one of them. Though I still enjoy tormenting her…

*Great! Now I'm full of contradictions myself.*

But still, I need her to say it, so that I can let loose as well. So that I can get lost into her, while drowning her in the heady combination of pain and pleasure. I'm the only one who can make her walk on that tight rope.

I realise that by taking a step back now, I'm playing right into her hands. This is exactly what she's been trying to do since I kissed her then ordered her to give me that damned blindfold. *Maybe I should have just fucked her brains out before I brought her here.* If she'd been out of it, none of this would have happened.

Fuck being her dominant. I'd be grateful if I could get a consensual kiss from her… that sly little minx, always leaving me hanging in the heat of the moment. I might not have been so fucking pathetic and sensitive if I wasn't so into her…

*What an unholy mess! I should have never got my emotions involved in the first place.*

Rolling my shoulders restlessly, I glance over to the side and find her sitting still. My irritation level spikes up, my patience running thinner by the second.

“The fuck are you doing there on the floor! Get up and get dressed. Didn't you hear me the first time?” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I squeeze my eyes shut and let out a long sigh. “Tsk, I feel like shit as it is. Please don't make me repeat myself again. There's only so much of your mood swings I can tolerate. Believe it or not, I'm a human like you. Just because I'm not shedding tears, it doesn't mean that I'm not scared. I'm always scared you'd run away… and fuck me, you always do. It's like I'm stuck inside the same nightmare that's running on a loop, with no fucking end in sight. I feel so stupid right now for ever thinking that I could win against you.”

Thick silence falls over the room as soon as I catch my tongue. The urge to bang my head against something becomes so intense when I think about the nonsense I just spewed, I end up kicking the table. The tools hanging around the corner spill on the floor, creating cranky noises as metal hits concrete in a quiet space.

“Stop it, Adrian.” Pearl mumbles in between her hiccups. Her voice pitched so low, I barely catch the meaning. But as soon as I get it, I become even more irked. To the point where I can feel my vices tightening around my throat, making me lightheaded.

“Stop? Stop what exactly? I'm not even doing anything, for heaven's sake. You won't let me. What the fuck do you even mean by stop!?” I stand there by the table, rage pumping through my blood as I watch her grab her sweater and use it to wipe her face. I grit my teeth when she takes a long breath then lies down.

*What the…*

A frown tugs between my eyebrows as I watch her stretch out on the mat. Suspicion makes my mind race. Then she turns on her side, putting her naked body on display and meets my eyes. My heart takes over the racing and my mind goes blank.

I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears. It grows louder when I hear the next words she utters from that sinful mouth of hers. “You told me that you didn't know what you were doing. And so you asked me to take responsibility for that. But as soon as we got here, you started bossing me around. You lied to me. You made me lose my mind.”

*Eh, I made her what!?*

“What are you referring to exactly? When did I ever… do… that…” My words fall short when she keeps staring at me steadily.

*Is there any point in explaining myself to her now?* She has already made up her mind. But… *what the hell is going on in her head now? Is this another one of her tricks to try and manipulate me? What does she want from me now?*

However, the biggest problem is now my flaccid cock hardening again. *Shit.* Please someone tell me I'm not getting played again. I don't want to go soft without cumming again. It's agony in its purest form. I don't want to experience that again.

She takes my silence as some kind of cue to go on. “As I was saying, you lied to me. Maybe more like I felt that way. You looked like you were really enjoying yourself harassing me—”

“I wasn't harassing you—” *Is she going for guilt tripping!? With false accusations!?*

“I'm not done yet.” She cuts me off with a cold voice.

“But I didn't do such a thing!” *This is outrageous!*

“Do you want to have me or not?” She deadpans.

*Wait, wait, wait! What!?* My thoughts stutter to a sudden halt. *Is she serious right now!?* I keep staring at her stoic face and soon realise how damn serious she is.

Fuck. “...I do.” *Fuuuccckkk.*

“Then hear me out first.”

“Hear your nonsense, you mean.” *Saying things like that is so unfair! Why should I put up with it? She's supposed to be my submissive, not the other way around, dammit!*

“How cute of you to pout like that.” For the first time since we have met, I see a sly little smile on her lips and a delicate glint in her dark eyes. Her puffy eyes defy the bold expression on her, yet it feels so fucking natural on her. Though it disappears in a flash.

The disappointment hits me harder than the cold expression that follows. “But you're pissing me off.”

“I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now.”

“Good.” She falls quiet as well.

I wait for her to speak and as I do, I become more restless. I keep waiting and anticipating... It's already been over five minutes. Why isn't she saying anything?

“What's the matter? Have you changed your mind again?” I ask carefully, eyeing her suspiciously as she frowns a little. *Did I make her mad again?*

My eyes keep straying off to wonder down her naked body. I grow more restless in my own skin while she relaxes down there as if she's just tucked herself in for a good night's sleep.

“No, that's not it. I just… I don't know how to say it...” She lets out a nervous laugh and I practically watch the thread of sanity snap in my head.

She's really out to drive me absolutely insane tonight… this infuriating stupid little cat from hell… oozing with hardcore sex appeal with her body but driving me to suicidal thoughts with her personality.

Whatever in the world ever made me feel like she's worth all this hassle… I feel so fucking stupid for falling so hard for a girl who's capable of causing me secondhand trauma with nothing but her mind games alone.

I don't know where I get all that patience from or how I manage not to just grab her and fuck us both into oblivion, but the next words truly contradict the turmoil I feel deep inside me. “So, what do you want me to do now? Feed you some words? Or do you wanna go back to your room? Wait, are you just giving me false hope again so we can keep running around in a circle?”

I stop thinking, I stop expecting, I stop fucking predicting her next moves. It's futile and a waste of my energy. I'll only lose it if I keep this up. I'll just do what she asks me to do and be done with it. No need for me to get excited or anything. *Don't get your hopes up.* That's it.

She stretches her arms over her head and lays her head on her shoulder, staring up at me and humming in concentration. I refuse to break eye contact first and keep staring back with nonchalance.

Something feels different… she doesn't look as distressed as she did when I was near her...

A moment later, she beckons me with a wiggling finger and pats the space beside her as if inviting some dog to hop on for a petting. “You asked me what I want you to do now, right? I've decided. I want you to take off your shirt and come here. Lay beside me.”

I don't think, nor do I hesitate. Quickly unbuttoning my shirt, I leave it on the table and stroll over to her side and lie down on my back beside her, all too aware of her not so innocent gaze on me. Her dark eyes follow my every move until I turn on my side as well, getting comfortable with my arm tucked under my head, mimicking her posture.

When she finally meets my gaze again, I ask softly with no ill intentions or any ulterior motive behind my words. “You seem to have calmed down better when I wasn't near you.”

“That's right. I've calmed down now. I was really terrified when you suddenly acted out and mentioned all those scary things. Especially the part where you assumed I'd be okay with rape.”

*Sigh...* I knew this was fucking hopeless. *What was I thinking?* Forcing a person who's not cut out for this lifestyle to suddenly try what I want to do. *She thought I was going to rape her!* I'm thankful I let her go when I did.

“I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I made you feel so unsafe. It's all my fault. I failed you once again.” I have nothing else to say to her. My mind and heart are killing me already. I just want to get her away from me before I make her more miserable. But I won't ask her to leave. I won't do anything. I'll just let her take the lead.

“Adrian, I didn't tell you I was scared because I wanted you to apologise or stop doing that…”

I gently bring a finger to her lips and give her a forced smile. “Please don't say stuff like that. It gives me the wrong idea, you know and… generally, just confuses the hell out of me.”

She grabs my hand then surprises me by intertwining our fingers and planting a kiss on the back of my hand. “Thanks for letting me know. I'll choose my words more carefully. But, please. Refrain from cutting me off again and again. I don't know how much longer I can keep myself together before I give into my hysteria and go insane. So just let me finish before I hesitate again, okay?”

I do my utmost to not think about what she said and nod obediently. “Okay.”

She lets me have a rare glimpse of a soft and shy smile on her lips, before her eyes sober up and turn serious again. “Tell me something first. What did you feel when I told you to come lie down next to me? What was going on in your mind when you chose to obey me?”

“I felt…”

*Wait.* I can't tell her I felt nothing. I can't tell her nothing was going on in my head. I know I promised myself I wouldn't think about anything. I'll just do as she says. But the nature of her question is a little... I can't help but notice. *Could she possibly be…!?*

“I told myself I'm doing it for you, because that might please you in some way but… By any chance… Do you want to know how I took your order? You want to try my mindset to be obedient like I was just now?” My slowly thumping heart finds a new frantic pace to sprint inside my chest. I do my best not to get excited... but I can't help it. *This is too exhilarating.*

She looks taken aback, as though I read her darkest thoughts or something.

Her eyes drop to our joined hands as she speaks in a mildly shocked tone. “Were my intentions that obvious? Or are you just that good at mind reading? Hmm? I'm just so very grateful that you didn't follow through with your threats and took me against my wish. Though I already knew it in my heart you would never do all that if I didn't agree. You said you didn't care at all, that you don't mind playing the villain I've painted you to be, but I saw it in your eyes. They never lie. You weren't happy about it. Your eyes weren't sparkling like they do sometimes when you look at me.

“But despite all that I put you through, you still did exactly as I told you to… while I was having such a hard time following your simple instructions when you needed me to do it the most, because you wanted to see how much I trusted you. I understood just now what it meant when you acted so docile and came back to me without hesitation. It made my heart flutter. Thank you so much for that. I want to pay you back, by doing something you like as well. So, please explain it to me, so I can please you too. Give me another order, and I'll do my best to follow.”