Chapter 40 Deceit
Locking up herself in her room for almost two days now, she did nothing but cry and feel guilty for what happened between her and Thyago. Liz and the rest of her staff in the office had been calling her but she never answer any of the calls. She'd been crying for like two days and doesn't know when will she stop. She never goes to the office although she knew she have lots of office works and pending transactions she have to deal with for not being around the office for a week because of Hannah's wedding preparations and all. Two days ago was the day she'll about to resume to work but after that night of oblivion and giving herself to Thyago, she lost her will to work and face the truth.
After he took her home, she told him to just forget what happened which he strongly opposed. They had a fight and she cast him out and told him to stay away from his life from now on. She hated Thyago and blaming herself for letting herself be carried away with his advances. He forcibly took her out of her will, yes, but he never literally force her to make love with him. She enjoyed every bit of it and she won't lie to herself about it. He was drastic at first but when she stopped fighting, everything made sense. He never hurt her in the process except for the time he thrusted himself but that it's usually happened. She gave her nothing but pleasure then after that. It's her first and she just can't believe she gave her virginity to a man not even her boyfriend and the thing she couldn't accept even more is the memories keep on coming back no matter how she tried to forget it. His kisses, his touch, how he makes love and pleasure every part of her body still lingers on her mind.
She was crying because of guilt and fear if Matt find this out. She betrayed and cheated on the man who did nothing but love her. The man who accepts and waited for her for a long time. She was frustrated because Thyago was right all along. She has feelings for him and it's hard to accept that she was in love with him. Unfortunately, she realized it the moment he took her innocence. Perhaps from the very beginning since they were still young. That infatuation was already loved like she used to believe it before. It was just so bad that until now, it was still him all along. She hated herself for finally realizing what she feels for him. She has no difference from a whore, a cheater a disreputable woman, or a deceiving hypocrite bitch. She made Matt believe that she was against sexual intercourse without marriage but she easily gave in to Thyago. When it comes to Matt, she can refuse when he has every right to but when it comes to Thyago, she did not even oppose. She felt so bad for things that came out this way. She was so guilty and she couldn't help but cry.
Thyago had been calling her, going to her pad knocking at her door but she refused to let him in and give him a chance to talk to her. She doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore after what happened. With Thyago, everything is risky. She can't risk her heart with him. Attraction and lust could be mistaken for love and she doesn't wanna end up being miserable like she used to before.
Hearing the doorbell again, she just ignore it and never bother to leave her room thinking it might be Thyago. He used to visit her pad for almost two days now wanting to talk to her but she refused to let him in. The doorbell continuously rang for like a couple of times or so until it stopped. A minute later, she received a message from Matt on her phone so immediately opened it.
I know you're there, open the door. What's wrong babe? Let me in so we can talk.
She got stunned when she read Matt's message. With that, she immediately arose from the bed, left her room, and went to the main door. Matt's worried face greeted her when she opened the door.
"I came to your office to surprise you but your Assistant told me you're not around and haven't heard from you in days. I got so worried so I rushed here immediately." He looked at her worriedly.
"Hey what's wrong babe?" He stared at her for a moment and gently cooped her face by his both palms.
"Have you been crying throughout the night?" He asked when he noticed her swollen eyes.
She didn't answer him, she just stoop down her head trying to hide her face. They went inside and sat on the couch in the living room. Matt kept on staring at her wondering what's wrong with her.
"Tell me what's wrong babe?" He asked again once they finally settled in.
He looked so anxious as his worried eyes roaming her face. With that, she burst out into tears as she remembered what's the reason why she had been acting this way. How Thyago disturbed her mind and how she felt so guilty in cheating on him. See how her boyfriend immediately rushed to her because he's so worried about her condition not knowing she betrayed and cheated on him. She feels so low and bad. How could she do this to a good person like Matt? She doesn't know what to do anymore.
"Hey babe, hush now. You know I hate to see you cry." He comforted her as he gently caress her back. With that, she cried harder.
How could this man be so good to her? And beyond his goodness, why she can't love him the way she did with Thyago? Why not him she learned to love? Why it's Thyago still? Damn her foolish heart! Why it can't choose the right guy to love?
She kept on crying as Matt trying to comfort her. Telling her soothing words, wrapping his arms around her, and telling her everything's gonna be okay. Will he even say those words if he happens to know the truth? No, she can't hurt him. That's the last thing she will do for this good guy who has been there for her in her ups and downs is to hurt him. But what will she do now? Lie to him? Deceive him?
"I hate myself!" She frustratedly stated in beyond weeps. He wiped her tears and keep on gently caressing her back.
"Sshh.... Hush now. Don't be like that babe. It's killing me seeing you this way without any idea what's your problem is." He pulled out a long frustrated sighed.
"Is it about your Dad or the firm? This isn't about us, right? Why couldn't you tell me your burdens? You know I'll always be right behind you, I'll help you. Just tell me what's wrong please..." He consoled hoping she will tell him her burdens.
She looked at him and she saw his warm eyes that show love and sincerity but still, she shook her head refusing to tell him why she's being like this. She can't hurt him. She wanted to be honest and just tell him the truth. As much as possible she doesn't want keeping secrets from him but this time she just can't bear to hurt him, just this time. If she has to keep it, she will.
"I-I'm s-sorry..." She started to weep again.
"Oh, what am I going to do with you, lady..." He sighed again as he wrapped his arms around her. They remained that way for a long period of time until she hushed down and stopped crying.
"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me yet, just remember I'll always be here with you okay?" Matt sincerely stated. She looked up at him and nodded.
"Thank you." She mumbled. He gave her a warm smile then and tighten his hold on her.
"Thank you for loving me. Sometimes I've been asking myself what I've done right to deserve you. I even went to the conclusion that maybe I don't deserve your love, that you deserve someone better than me." She stated.
"What makes you think that way?" He turned and looked at her with a questioning gaze, it was something akin to suspicion or disappointment.
She don't understand but for a moment she saw his eyes turned dark and angry but that just a moment. He jerked his eyes away as if not liking what she said then went silent.
"Nothing, it was just that...."
"Are you having doubts about your feelings to me?" He asked all of a sudden. His expression changed, it was as if there was something in his mind but she just couldn't point it out.
"No." She lied.
"Good then." He answered.
Then, a decision was borne out in mind. She'll do the right thing.
I hate lying to him, he doesn't deserve it. I knew then I can't keep this forever but if I have to keep it just to avoid hurting this man then I will. My conscience will fight me and karma might soon hit me but I will all accept it...
"Are you okay now, babe?" He asked all of a sudden. They remained that way for a long time, cuddling as his nose sniffing her hair.
"Yeah."
"Will you be fine now? I don't wanna leave you but it's getting late, babe. Perhaps you will let me spend the night with you here." He said half smiling. She smiled bitterly. Oh, damn if he only knew.
"Will you let me?" He said teasingly. He was joking, she knew it.
"You go home now Matt..." She said smiling. He then chuckled but there was something in his eyes she didn't miss to catch. It's as if his eyes turned dark and dreary.
"Just taking a chance, you know...." He shrugged his shoulders. She pulls out a forced giggle.
"You're sure you're really okay?" He asked still. She nodded as an answer.
"Bye, babe." He bade.
"Careful when driving okay?" She reminded.
Before Matt finally left, he gave her a warm kiss on the forehead as he tailed the phrase: I love you. She sighed. She had made up her mind, she will make up to Matt and do the right thing. About Thyago, she will keep on avoiding her.
Yes, I admitted I love him but I will not risk and ruin my relationship with Matt. I'll keep my distance from him. Soon he will stop pursuing me, I knew it.