Chapter 25

Noah:

It was a long, painful night. I knew Reagan would hold tight to her ultimatum, but I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t watch the door in hopes I would see her poke her head in. It didn’t happen. Not even once. It was my fault. I knew that.

Since I couldn’t sleep anyway, I got up before the sun rose. I started on breakfast, cleaning the kitchen while it cooked. It used to be one of the best parts of my day. Everything would be silent, something I could get any other time of the day. Now, I felt all the life in my house and the lack of noise seemed wrong. I wanted more noise. I wanted Reagan sitting up on the counter, angry with me because I didn’t let her help clean.

I had an angry wolf in my head as I prepared breakfast. He outright shunned me, irritated that I wasn’t in Reagan’s bed. Everything seemed so simple for a wolf. He thought I should have taken what I wanted. He worried for the pack, but he also knew that we had run out of time. We couldn’t find another mate. But I still had another option. The one that would ensure my people lived. Reagan was my mate, but could we be enough?

The staircase creaked, and I looked up to see Simon coming down in his pajamas. He looked up at me with wide eyes, taking the headphones out of his ears.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were here,” he said. “Sorry, I can go back to bed.”

“No, come down. It’s okay. It’ll be another hour before breakfast.”

He put his phone on the table before he came into the kitchen with me. “I wasn’t hungry. I just didn’t wanna be in my room anymore.”

“How come? Did you have a bad dream?”

He shook his head. “It was too quiet, even with my music playing. I don’t like being in my room all alone.”

I didn’t know what to do about that. Jamie and Lizzie shared a room because they wouldn’t have been able to stand it if they didn’t. The kids all had to shift rooms when Allison arrived, and that meant Simon had one himself. I could have put him with the girls, but the room wasn’t big enough for all three of them. They’d grow out of it in two years.

“Do you think that maybe when you get your mate, you can have a baby so I won’t be alone?” Simon asked. “I want my Mend like Lizzie and Jamie. Maybe you can get me one.”

I’d felt chairs break against my body that hurt less than the desperate hope in my brother’s voice. I wanted to fix every single problem the world ever gave him, and I felt so powerless to solve even this.

I stopped stirring the bowl on the counter, then bent to pick Simon up. I put him on the counter so we could be more at eye level. Then I realized I had no idea what to say to him. He wasn’t even seven yet. I couldn’t exactly explain to him the complexities of my mating with Reagan.

“I don’t know when I’ll have kids,” I said. As the words came out, I thought of Leon and what he wanted from me. My death. He wanted to take me from my kids in order to save the pack. Would a true alpha have done that? Would he leave his mate and family to save other mates and other families?

“Maybe I can sleep in your room with you and Reagan,” Simon said.

Half my mouth quirked up in a smile. “You know about that, huh?”

“You guys always smell like each other. I thought it was like Lizzie and Jamie. They sleep in the same bed all the time. Don’t you sleep with Reagan because she makes you feel better? And you keep her nightmares away, right?”

“I don’t think Reagan and I are going to be sharing a room anymore,” I said. “I have no idea what’s going on with it.”

“Oh. Well then you should either share a room with me or let me start sleeping as a wolf again.”

I sighed. “We talked about that.”

“I know, but I’m not as sad when I’m a wolf. I can keep everyone safe. I know I can. I won’t mess up again.”

Another chair broken against my head. “You didn’t mess up. There wasn’t anything you could have done. But you can’t spend all your time as a wolf. If you do that, then you’re going to grow up thinking that every time something hurts, you can shift and ignore it.”

“So? I can shift, so why does it matter if I do that?”

“Because it doesn’t make the hurt go away. You just wait a little while to feel it. I’m sure that there’s gonna be a lot more kids in this house one way or another. You aren’t going to sleep alone forever.”

Simon exhaled, accepting what I had to say.

He sat at the table with a coloring book while I finished breakfast. Soon, everyone started waking up. Pippa mussed Simon’s hair before she pulled a chair out for herself, waiting patiently for me to finish cooking.

I had everything out on the table before Reagan showed up. She had on my sweater, like always. This one had to have been taken out of my closet, because I couldn’t remember giving it to her. It was impossible to tell when she’d been in my room, since her scent was almost always with me.

“You look tired,” Reagan said to me. “You wanna sit down? I can finish setting the table.”

“I’m fine,” I promised.

She considered me for a minute, then sat down. I didn’t let myself take the seat at her side.

***

I stared at my own name scrawled on the bottom of a request form, waiting for the ink to dry. Giving permission to financially aid one of the kids trying to get into college. I started staring at the signature when I realized that people just moved on sometimes. Kids grew up, they went to school, sometimes they got married. I would always be here. I would always be a leader when I never once asked for it. My hands were always, cruelly tied, and I might have gone the rest of my life without getting a thing I wanted.

“Time’s up,” I heard at my door. I’d left it cracked open, and I regretted it now.

I didn’t bother responding to Leon, more content with acting like I couldn’t hear him in the first place. He was wise enough not to step into my office. That would have been grounds for retaliation.

“Noah,” Leon said. On the fifth one, I did look up. “Are you going to be immature about absolutely everything in your life?”

“If I feel like it.” I leaned back in my chair, putting my feet up on the desk. “What are you here to bitch about?”

Leon huffed, clearly wanting me to invite him in. I didn’t. “You know what I’m here for. The sacrifice is almost here, and you haven’t found yourself a mate yet. You have some choices to make.”

“Ah, and I suppose you’re here to nudge me into a certain one.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “It would solve the problem.”

My body went tense, my hand threatening to break the arm on my chair. “I have a family.”

“We all have families. Why is yours more important than mine? Than Adam’s?”

Because they are, something in my mind said. “You want to be alpha. Just say it. Tell me to my face that you want it so badly that you would be okay killing me, knowing I have kids at home.”

The man stared so hard it felt like he wanted to break glass with it. “It’s what’s best for the pack.”

“And what about what’s best for me!” I yelled, not realizing my control had slipped. “What about me, Leon? I’m twenty. I didn’t ask to be anyone’s alpha. I didn’t ask for my father to get himself killed when I was a kid. Why do I have to die when I haven’t even gotten a chance to be alive yet?”

It felt like the most childish, selfish things I’d ever said in my life. It didn’t make me want answers any less. It was true, and I hadn’t asked for this. I didn’t ask for a bunch of people to force me into finding a mate so they could all live easier lives. I should never have tried to force it, and even if somehow Reagan and I worked out, it would always be tainted by this. I would always be the person who welcomed her from hell, and instead of protecting her, shoved her into even more danger. Reagan deserved more than that. I deserved more than this. Than death for failing at something that should never have been asked of me.

I thought Leon would be angry, but his expression turned softer than that. “I want a family,” he said. “I want children. I want to bring them into a safe world.”

“I have children,” I said. “Am I supposed to let myself die, leaving them behind? They already lost their parents once. I swore I was going to keep them safe.”

“Then do it. Prove to them that you have it in you to be an alpha, making the hard choices. They would be safe with me and Catharine in charge. All you’ve done so far is fail.”

I felt a growl building in my chest. “As if you could do any better.”

“I can do better. You let a girl barely more than human into our pack at the weakest we’ve ever been, and now you’ve let her attack my niece.”

“Attack?” I had to laugh. “Alex wanted to kill her.”

“Because she’s a threat, like it or not. Do you have any idea how bad it makes you look that you’re allowing this?”

I nodded. “You’re right. Perhaps I should exile Alex for what she’s done. Disrespect like that could get her killed in other packs. Ya know, wolves trying to impress their alpha. I wonder if there’s anyone here willing to look better in my eyes.”

I saw fear in Leon’s. “You wouldn’t let that happen.”

“Wouldn’t I?”

“You son of a bitch. She’s twenty-two.”

“Reagan is nineteen,” I snarled. “A nineteen-year-old who was made to think she would die. Instead of cowering or running, she stood up against the threat, and then took it down. And you’re using her as an example of me allowing weakness into my pack. I’m telling you right now to walk away before you really piss me off.”

Leon didn’t move an inch. “You’re leading us to a path of destruction. Say goodbye to your family and let’s get this over with so I can make sure you don’t get anyone else hurt.”

“Do not give me orders.” Wood splintered on the chair under my hands. Another few seconds, and it would break.

“I’ll give you as many orders as I damn well please, you spoiled brat. Give up your status and do the right thing for once in your life. I deserve to be alpha.”

I was on my feet and moving in a heartbeat. Leon didn’t even have time to move before I grabbed him by the back of the neck and bashed his head against my doorframe. It broke the wood the first time, and cracked Leon’s skull the second time. I kicked his leg on from under him, sending him to his knees.

“Do not give me orders,” I repeated in a growl so deep that it made my throat vibrate. I grabbed his wrist, squeezing as I listened to the bones break. It took so much to keep my magic inside. “This is my pack. It was born with Kell blood and it will die with Kell blood. What you think is irrelevant. This place belongs to me, and I’ll do what I damn well please. If you don’t like it, then leave.”

Leon said nothing, trying to catch his breath as I let go of his broken wrist. He cradled it to his chest, keeping his head bowed.

When I looked up, I saw a handful of people watching us. Each one I made eye contact with, bowed in response. I didn’t smell fear, but respect. This place was mine, and I hadn’t felt it until just then.

“Fix my door,” I said on my way out of the building.

I didn’t slow down or look away from my path as I made my way back home. People waved to me and I didn’t have the inclination to wave back at them.

When I walked into the house, I heard the kids playing upstairs. I left them to their game, headed to where I could smell Reagan. She was in the sunroom. I could picture her with one of my books, lying on the couch and reading. Reading hadn’t been ruined for her, despite what her life had been like before this. That made me happy. It meant she had control.

Sure enough, I saw Reagan there when I opened the door to the sunroom. I closed it behind me, watching Reagan as she got up from the couch to face me.

“I declare you as my mate,” I said, five short feet away from Reagan. She only had time to smile before I picked her up in my arms and kissed her.

We fell back onto the couch and Reagan tried to get the shirt off my head. Despite my hesitation to break our kiss, I did it so I could help her with the shirt. I took the opportunity to pull at her sweater, and soon we both had nothing on but pants.

“Say it again,” Reagan requested, tapping my shoulder as I’d been pulling at her earlobe with my teeth.

I hovered over her, clearing my throat. “I, Noah Kell—the alpha of this here pack, declare you, Reagan Zandi, as my mate and alpha. Do you accept?”

She grinned again, eyes sparkling like stars when I dared to stare at them for longer than a few seconds. It was easy to get overwhelmed. “I do.”

I kissed her again, my hand searching for the button of her jeans.

The door swung open without warning, and I sat up without even thinking about it. I saw a little girl standing there, hands on her hips.

“There you are,” Clare said. “Why do I smell Reagan too?”

My mate poked her head up from behind the couch, covering her chest with my shirt. “Hey, honey. Do you need something?”

She cocked her head at us. “Are you guys naked?”

I snorted, and Reagan’s eyes bugged out. “No,” she said, “not at all.” Her bra slowly slid off the back of the couch where it had been hanging, and it hit the floor.

“Okay,” Clare said. “Noah, I’m ready for a bath. Can you come make the bubbles for me?”

“Sure,” I said. “Be there in a few minutes. Can you close the door on your way out?”

She did, and I collapsed back onto the couch.

Reagan and I both started laughing, also panting as it would seem we’d been holding our breath. I mentally made myself a new rule that I could only take Reagan’s clothes off in a locked room.

“Get used to that,” I warned.

Reagan still smiled, staring up at the glass ceiling. “You too, Noah.”