Chapter 17

Noah:

Reagan was already in the shower when I woke up in the morning. I heard her singing the wrong words to a song. I’d intended to call the kids, even knowing it would wake them up. I didn’t, instead listening to Reagan. I found it oddly soothing, even when she didn’t sing on key and got half the song wrong.

The shower turned off, and my heart jumped when it knew she would be out soon. When she came out of the bathroom, it was a real effort not to look her way. An effort that I found too much to handle.

Reagan walked over to her bed, smelling like hot water and my soap. Good. My scent coated her. Something primal and irrational instinct felt wildly happy about that. I pushed that thought aside, watching when she sat on the bed, trying to slip her shoes on without tripping. I wanted to get out of bed, bending to one knee to tie them for her. I thought something like that might have made her smile, making me want to do it all the more. That was new. So was the time I spent lingering on the thought of my skin against hers. I wouldn’t allow something like that to happen.

“Something wrong?” Reagan asked.

“No,” I lied. “Why are you up so early?”

She lifted an eyebrow at me, pulling a knee to her chest while she laced up her boot. “Does there have to be a reason?”

Did I detect a bit of irritation in her voice?

“No, but I was curious. Is it a problem that I’m asking?”

I thought her eyes narrowed as her foot hit the ground. “No, but you don’t have to sound so accusatory.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s seven in the morning. Do you have to be snippy at this hour?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“And here I thought we would be fighting less.”

“Your mistake.”

She rose up to walk around the bed, bending to her suitcase on the floor. I’d been getting the cold shoulder since the day before, and I had barely seen Reagan after the meetings with the wolves had finished. She’d claimed a stomachache, wanting to head to the room. When I’d offered to go with her, she’d turned me down. It seemed to me that she wanted space. I could give her space.

I went to shower.

I’d never taken an angry shower before. The water was too cold, but I didn’t change it to hot, not wanting to let the temperature win. What made it worse was that the Mend bond was still working strong, even when I was irritated with Reagan. I just wanted her to come into the bathroom and keep me company. How could anyone want a mending? It took your power away.

While I got dressed, I kept looking to the door, thinking I would hear knocking. I didn’t.

Reagan still sat on her bed when I walked out of the bathroom. She had a book in her hands, and it had been the same one I’d left on the nightstand between us from the night before. I didn’t say anything about it.

With my shoes on, I headed for the door out.

“Where are you going?” Reagan asked. If I didn’t know better, I would have picked up on a little hurt in her tone.

I turned only slightly. “I’m supposed to meet Lucy for breakfast.”

Regan’s eyes flashed, and for a second, I thought she didn’t want me to go. Which made no sense.

“Ah,” she said. “I didn’t know that. Did you guys set up a date last night?”

“Yup.”

I stood there awkwardly, waiting until it felt like the right time to leave. Eventually, Reagan said, “Then I guess I’ll go find Mary. I don’t really wanna be locked in here all day.”

“Do whatever you want,” I said on my way out the door.

I didn’t want to leave the gated community. Thankfully, this grand community had a small bakery on the edge of their town square. I could justify having junk for breakfast if it was a special occasion. What I was having a harder time justifying was that this date would probably put off my call home for an extra couple of hours.

Lucy waited for me at a table outside, a pink box of donuts sitting in the center of it. She even had coffee for the both of us. I thanked her, sitting down.

“Morning,” Lucy said after a sip of her drink. “I didn’t know what you’d like so I went with something chocolatey.”

“Good choice,” I told her. “How, uh, how’ve you been?” That sounded dumb out loud. She’d need to forgive me for not knowing how to do this.

“I’ve been all right. I planned a trip to the beach with my sisters.”

“Cool.” After a pause, I said, “I just took my brothers and sisters to the pool a few weeks ago. My brother spent the whole time swimming around in his wolf form.”

“That sounds so cute.”

After another few seconds of silence, I said, “Do you want to see pictures?”

“Sure!” she said, so cheery that it surprised me.

I took my phone out and started scrolling through pictures of the kids. I had hundreds, and Lucy leaned in close to look at them with me. The wind blew Lucy’s scent into my nose. Pollen and spice.

“I take it you’re a big fan of kids,” Lucy said, leaning back into her seat.

“Mine,” I answered. “Not sure how I would feel about other kids.”

“But you took most of them in. There was a time they weren’t yours.”

I knew that was true, but I couldn’t really see it that way. The moment they’d been brought to me, they became mine.

“How did you get them, by the way,” Lucy said. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

“I don’t. A lot of the time their parents died suddenly, and they had nowhere else to go. I was alpha, even if only in name. The choice fell on me, so I took them in and kept them.”

“Couldn’t you have had someone else take them? Someone older.”

Anger washed through me. It wasn’t fair, but I had to keep myself from growling. “They’re mine,” I said. “I didn’t want them with someone else.”

“How old were you?”

“I was sixteen when I got Jamie. His parents had just died and he didn’t have any family. I let him stay the night while the council tried to figure out what to do, then I decided for them.”

Lucy asked more questions about the kids, and I answered them for her. It was all pretty basic stuff, all meant to get to know me better, I assumed. I found myself more interested in the conversation because it centered around what mattered most to me.

“Simon just will not stay in human form,” I said, my eyes drifting to the phone on the table. I still had pictures of the kids up. “I think he does it because when his mother’s body was found, he was a wolf. I think he wanted to protect her.”

When I looked up, I’d fully been expecting to see Reagan sitting beside me. I didn’t know why. Something in me said that these were stories I should have been telling Reagan.

“That’s awful,” Lucy said, of course. “That poor boy.”

“Yeah. Reagan is the only one he listens to now. When she tells him to shift, he does.”

Lucy laughed. “She’s good with the kids?”

“Great with them. They follow her around like little ducklings.”

“Do they all get along well with each other too?”

“Pretty much. There’s some bickering, but Reagan’s been getting on them about that.”

Lucy nodded once, taking a few seconds before she spoke again. “How’ve you adjusted to doing more alpha things? I heard you’ve been taking on more as of lately. Why’s that?”

“Because I needed to,” I said. “My pack needs it. I think I’ve been adjusting about as well as I can be. Honestly, it’s difficult to find any of this hard when I have Reagan to think about. She’s been through worse than any of the things I have to do every day.”

I couldn’t read the look on Lucy’s face, but her lips pressed into a hard line. Our conversation didn’t go on much longer after that. It faded into a lot more pauses as I ran out of things to say. I didn’t find making conversation with anyone all that easy. I tended to run out of words pretty fast, and I often had no desire to try and think up more.

Lucy left, but I decided to stay at the little table outside. I had donuts to eat, and half a drink left. My other option was to go back to my room, and I had a very annoyed girl who I might have run into. I didn’t have the energy to deal with her at the moment.

I called home, getting to talk to Pippa a little. She said all the kids had gone to their classes and Allison had been in the daycare during said classes. I hadn’t gone a single day without them in all the time I’d known the kids, and it hurt to do it now. It felt so unnatural.

“There you are,” Emma said after I’d hung up. I had to look around for her, seeing that she’d come from the direction of her building. She stopped at the table. “I believe Reagan has stolen my wife. I thought I would find them with you.”

I explained to her why I was there, but I left out why Reagan wouldn’t likely want to spend any time with me today.

Emma pulled a chair out and took a seat, eyeing the box of donuts. I offered her what she wanted, and she picked a glazed one before she settled down.

“How’d it go with Lucy? Do you think it might work with the two of you?”

I gave a shrug. “She’s sweet. I just don’t feel anything. Maybe I’m not supposed to yet. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be looking out for. I don’t know what it’s like when you find your mate.”

Emma smiled, chewing on her breakfast. “I’m not sure I can help you there. I’ve known Mary my whole life. Her family’s been with the pack for a century.”

“But when did you know she was your mate?”

“I was seven. My wolf decided it, and there was no changing my mind.”

I exhaled. “Wow. You’ve been together since you were seven?”

Emma laughed. “Uh, no. I was a dumbass, so we didn’t get together until we were fifteen. Ya see, I thought what the wolf wanted didn’t matter. I thought I could ignore it. My parents wanted me to be with a boy, and I tried dating a couple. Though I started that when Mary got herself a little girlfriend. I was so jealous. I tried telling myself I didn’t want her and that the wolf was irrational. I even thought I liked the boys I dated. I might have, in another life. If I didn’t have Mary. They were sweet enough. Eventually, we figured it out. We’d gotten into this awful fight and didn’t talk for three weeks. My little brother—my Mend—he went to go get her for me. I was sitting up on my bed, I looked at the door, and I saw her. We were making out thirty seconds later.”

I swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat didn’t go away. “What if I don’t have that thing in me? The thing that can find a girl and want her.”

Emma took a breath, thinking. “What does your wolf say?”

“He’s not really telling me anything. He doesn’t care much for the girls either. All he’s interested in is getting home to the kids and figuring out why Reagan is mad at us.”

Emma went quiet again.

“What?” I asked.

Her nose wrinkled. “I have a theory for you, but I’m not sure how you’ll take it.”

“On Reagan being upset with me?”

“On your lack of feelings for any of the girls you’ve met. Even Lucy, who it sure seemed like you were getting along with fine.”

I had no reason not to listen. “Okay, I’ll hear it.”

Emma laughed. “Have you considered that maybe the reason you aren’t interested in the girls here is that because there is a girl you’re interested in?”

My eyebrows knit together. “What girl could that possibly be? The only girl I know is Reagan.”

Emma blinked at me, waiting for the penny to drop. When it did…

“No,” I said. “No, that’s not it.”

“Are you positive? You won’t even entertain the idea that perhaps you have some feelings for her? I saw you two together for hours yesterday.”

“Fighting?” I said, my voice this side of hostile. “Half of what we do is fight.”

“Growing pains from your Mend, probably. I think you should take a little while to consider what I’m suggesting. I see how you are with her, and it’s more than from your Mending. It’s just… the two of you. It’s how you move around each other. How you look at her.”

I’d never had feelings for anyone before, so I didn’t know what it looked like. I’d been through it when Pippa had her last crush, which had been the most intense out of all of them so far. I chalked that up to the fact she was older, but she’d gotten over her in a couple months. It was all Pippa talked about, and she was out of the house more than ever, wanting to spend time with her. I wanted to spend all of my time with Reagan, because of the Mending. I had that constant need to see her, and even as I sat at the table, I wanted to go find her.

I shook my head. “It’s the magic. It’s always overwhelming at first.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Emma said. “Maybe you aren’t.”

“It wouldn’t work anyway. Reagan can be my mate,” I said, the words feeling heavy. “But I can’t be hers. It wouldn’t be enough for the moon.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. That’s the whole point… the whole point of this.” I gestured up with my hands, at everything around us. “I need a wolf.”

Emma pressed her lips together. “You need a mate. Keep in mind that you aren’t the only one involved when it comes to picking. You have other voices to consider. I’ll see you later, honey.” She stood from her chair, then pushed it in.

I didn’t stay much longer. I started walking back toward the little guest room Reagan and I split. She’d said she would be out, but I could wait for her there. We’d have to talk things out eventually.

“Noah!”

When I turned, I saw Reagan near the little walkthrough garden on the outskirts of the community. She had a handful of blue and white flowers in her grasp, coming to a stop in front of me.

“I stole these,” she said, a little breathy from her brisk run. “For you.”

She held the bundle out. I took it carefully, making sure not to let my hand brush hers. “Thanks, but why?”

Her hands slipped into the back pockets of her jeans. “I was snippy this morning. I don’t even really know why. I was angry, and I also don’t know why. I wanted to say I was sorry.”

I looked around, spotting a bench right outside the garden. I tugged on the end of Reagan’s sweater—one she’d stolen from me from back at the house. She followed me to the bench and took a seat at my side.

“How was your date?” Reagan asked, sighing and putting her head against my arm.

“It was okay. We talked a lot about the kids.” I talked a lot about you.

“She’s really pretty. Do you think you might try and work it out with her?”

I didn’t see any choice in the matter. Emma seemed to have her own thoughts, and those thoughts happened to start leaking into my mind. Any romantic feelings, I had to assume had been brought on by the Mend. People get those things confused all the time.

“I have no idea,” I answered.

Reagan stared at the flowers in my hand. She reached out, touching each petal with her finger. I thought she might start plucking them, but she did nothing more than make them bounce back into place.

I offered them back to her. When she tried taking them, her fingers brushed my palm. I pulled it back before her skin could linger against mine.

Reagan sat up, her head turned up to me. “Why don’t you want me to touch you?”

“It… it’s not you.”

“I know. You don’t touch anyone with your hands.”

I didn’t think I could make myself give her the answer. Instead of trying to explain, my mouth stayed closed.

“Is that how you do it then?” Reagan asked. “Whatever magic you have that you haven’t told me about? It’s with your hands, right?”

I didn’t even have to say it..

I felt Reagan’s hand at my wrist, and it sent my heart into overdrive. I made no move to stop her when she took my hand, then pressed it to her face.

“You shouldn’t do that,” I said. “If you knew, then you’d be…”

“I’m not afraid.” Her said softly as she watched me.

It felt so good to touch her that I almost didn’t say anything. I wanted to sit there and let Reagan keep holding my hand against her face.

“That wasn’t what I was going to say. If you knew, then you’d be disgusted. I’m all rot and ruin.”

Reagan watched me for another long second before she removed my hand from her face. My stomach dropped.

She took my arm, wrapping it around her middle as she scooted closer to me. My hand rested on her stomach, and she laced her fingers with mine. I should have warned her. I should have told her the truth. All desire to do so vanished when she put her head back against my shoulder.