Chapter 8 Memory
Kael
I should not have been here.
This was the second time that thought had crossed my mind today, but for very different reasons.
Every part of me knew it, but my body had betrayed me before my mind even caught up. Lira’s mother was warm against me, working her way toward awakening my member as her lips claimed mine in what was supposed to be a passionate kiss. I hated myself for it, hated every second.
And yet… my thoughts kept drifting to Lira. Her trembling hands. The way she had looked at me. The way she had moaned my name when I touched her. God, she had felt so good. Too good. And now, here I was, her mother trying to undo every moral boundary I had left, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her daughter.
Elena pressed closer. Her lips against my neck. Her hands roaming with precision that should have driven me over the edge. But I felt nothing but distraction. Nothing but guilt. Every inch of her body should have ignited me, but it didn’t. Not fully. Not like Lira.
I felt her hands tighten on my chest. She sighed against me. “Kael…” her voice was soft, tempting. It was an invitation filled with limtless possibilities, yet, I was uninterested.
I swallowed. “I… I can’t,” I muttered, pulling back slightly, though she followed, relentless. My eyes shut for a second, and I could see her face, but I could see Lira’s too. Lira’s eyes, wide, vulnerable, and burning with desire.
I gritted my teeth. I tried to push the image away, tried to push the guilt away, tried to let myself focus on her. But I couldn’t.
She noticed. I could see it in the quick flicker of her eyes. Frustration. Desire. Anger. She moved her hand lower, sliding it along me, guiding herself against me when I faltered.
I froze. The reality hit me. She was doing it herself now because I couldn’t. Because my mind was full of Lira. Every nerve in my body screamed at me to stop, every instinct told me doing this to her was wrong, and yet… the ache between my legs refused to acknowledge that truth. I was trapped.
“I… I can’t,” I repeated, my voice low, rough, ridden with guilt. My hands went to her shoulders, holding her at arm’s length. Her eyes met mine, searching, demanding, desperate.
“You’re not in the mood?,” she said quietly. Not accusatory, not playful. Quiet. Firm. Sharp.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. The thought of Lira’s quivering hands, her gasping breaths, the way she had clung to me earlier, it was all I could feel. Every time I closed my eyes, it was her face I saw, her body I remembered, her warmth I craved. I couldn’t ignore it.
She pressed closer again, almost impatiently, and I felt the tension in my body tighten, raw and wild, but still the wrong way. Every touch of hers felt like a betrayal, not just to Lira, but to myself and my wolf.
I stepped back further. “I… I have things on my mind,” I muttered, more to myself than her. “Important things.” I swallowed hard. “I… I can’t focus.”
She stopped, she was quiet now, still, as if the world had paused. I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. My pulse, too fast. My hands shaking, fighting to free itself from the burden it had been roped in..
My silence unintentionally gave her the permission to continue. She pressed closer, her body warm against mine, her hands sliding along my chest. I could feel the pulse in her neck, the soft sigh she let out, almost as if she were guiding me.
“Maybe… here?” she murmured, gesturing toward the couch. Her tone was suggestive, innocent from her point of view, but every word was like a loose thread from my cloak of shame.
My pulse thudded in my ears. The couch. The shift in position. Every muscle in me wanted to obey, to give in, but my mind wouldn’t let me, now while Lira was everywhere, consuming every thought.
“I… I can’t,” I muttered, stepping back, just enough to keep from sliding onto the couch with her. My hands brushed against her arms, pushing lightly, almost apologetic.
She tilted her head, a small frown forming. “Kael…” she whispered, her fingers grazing mine. “It’ll be easier if—”
I shook my head violently. Her hands fell away instantly. I could feel her warmth lingering in the space between us, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. Not while my mind and body were full of Lira.
She moved toward the couch anyway, sitting lightly at the edge, her eyes watching me. “You don’t have to stand,” she said, almost playfully. “We can… adjust.”
Adjust. My stomach churned. Adjust. My body reacted despite my mind, and I cursed myself under my breath. Every nerve was screaming, but every memory of Lira stabbed me harder.
I stepped back again, this time knocking over a small vase on the side table, it crashed to the floor. She flinched, startled, but I didn’t apologize. I couldn’t explain why my hands shook, why my pulse was racing, why my eyes burned with the memory of another woman entirely.
“I… I can’t,” I repeated, voice low, urgent. “Not right now.”
She didn’t move from the couch, but I could see the confusion flicker across her face. She had no idea. She didn’t know Lira existed in every fiber of me, didn’t know that every instinct screaming at me to touch her mother was drowned out by my bond with Lira.
Her legs shifted slightly, brushing against mine. “Kael…” she said softly, leaning closer. “We could… change position, if you don’t want the couch.”
I clenched my fists at my sides. My stomach knotted. I could feel the heat building in me anyway, my body betraying me despite my mind, but it was useless.
“I… I need a moment,” I muttered, backing away toward the door. My pulse pounded in my ears, and my hands shook. The ache in my chest, the want in my body, the pull of desire, it was suffocating.
She didn’t follow. She didn’t understand. She had no idea what was happening in my mind, and that made it worse. I could barely breathe. I could barely think.
I turned sharply, leaving the room before I did something I would regret, not with the memory of Lira haunting me.