59: Shreds Of Pain

She had never thought the word ‘I'm sorry’ could hurt as much as it did today. She thought I’m sorry was meant to heal things, to mend, to apprehend, but today, it did the opposite to her. Today, it broke her to the point that she knew she would never be held or mended. She was just staring at them as they put off the fire while she clung onto Muhaseen and no matter what someone would say to her, she couldn't look up nor even acknowledge that he or she was there. She was just staring at the half-burnt chamber and felt as her heart died slowly.

So, this is how it felt to have your heart dying while it still beat? This is how it felt to be broken beyond repair and you know you have no other choice but to stay still, just where you are and watch as reality unveil right before your eyes? This was the amount of pain one encountered upon losing a part of himself? She thought she knew pain when Mama died, she had seen all shades of it and with the kind of life she lived, the things that had been happening to her, Fareeda had foolishly thought that nothing could break her to this point because she was already broken within.

But holding the cold body of Muhaseen this night, knowing so well that this innocent heart will never beat again. This beautiful soul will never grow, it would be buried, and the body will decay, she realized that there had always been a part of her that hadn't been broken until the reality of Muhaseen’s death struck into her heart with so much intensity that she knew she would never be able to recover from the shock, the pain, and the memories of this day.

“Your highness...” Nafisa spoke with tears on her cheeks as she tried to collect Muhaseen’s body from her but Fareeda immediately backed away.

“Don't! Don’t come near my daughter! Get away from me!!” She screamed at the pitch of her voice, holding Muhaseen to her chest even more firmly and the scream brought the people’s attention back to them and she didn't care. She pulled her phone away from Nafisa’s hand and realized for the first time that she had no one to call at this time but Alhaji. She had no one to cry to but him, it didn't matter whatever he did to her, she needed him now.

Her whole body shook as she hit her speed dial, it had always been in moments like this that she thought of him and his phone will ring with his name on the screen. Her picked at the second ring and hearing his voice saying, “Assalamu Alaikum, Fareeda, how are you?” She broke into tears.

She cried terribly with her tears poured directly from the pitch of her heart. “Baba...” She drawled painfully, the second time she had ever referred to him as Baba. She wished he was there with her, because she hadn’t and will never forget the hug he gave her the day Mama died, she still felt his warmth whenever she needed him, and her stubbornness wouldn’t let her go to him. And today, she knew she needed him, wanting him by her side so he can give her the biggest hug of her life, maybe then she would be able to heal.

“Innalilahi, Fareeda, what happened? Are you alright?” He asked as he felt his heart pounding because he could imagine what would happen for Fareeda to call him, break into tears, and refer to him as Baba in a crying voice.

“Muhaseen, Baba. She’s dead, she’s dead. They said my baby is dead. Please come and take me away from here, please come and take me home. Baba...” Her words were choked up with her tears as they came out in hiccups, she held Muhaseen, feeling with each breath she took Muhaseen’s body became even colder and also, she weighed more in her hands.

“Innalillahi wa’inna ilaihir raji’un. Fareeda what are you saying? Where are you? Who are you together with? Ya Allah.” He couldn’t wrap his head around what was happening right now, he couldn’t believe his ears. He prayed this would just be a misunderstanding or like her case, a medical problem that would be solved.

“Fire...she got suffocated by fire, Baba. Will you please just come and take me away from here? Please, Baba.” She was crying so hard, her whole body shook, and her heart broke with each breath she took. She wanted nothing but to be in Baba’s arms and have him tell her that she would be fine, it will be alright. He can even lie to her and say that Muhaseen will be alright, she isn't dead yet.

“Hold on, I'll call Mujaheed now, okay? Fareeda, you need to keep on reciting Innalillahi, Allah will come to your aid, I'll be there as soon as I can get the flight. Don't cry, okay?” His voice broke, and she was nodding her head as she heard him ended the call. Where would she go? How was she going to feel relief? She lifted up Muhaseen’s face and couldn’t believe she was dead. Her baby, her beloved, her biggest blessing was no more and now she was left all alone in this cruel world.

He softly tapped her cheeks, “Muhaseen, you need to wake up, okay? Maama promised not to give you out to anyone to hold for her, I'll be taking care of you myself until the day I die. Please Muhaseen don’t leave Maama all alone, please come back to me. Maybe you aren’t died yet, right? I haven’t even given you the anklet I bought for us, did I? Muhaseen...”

She saw hands, two strong arms that she would never forget in her life and even if she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to, stretched themselves toward her and were about to pick Muhaseen from her hands when she roughly swatted them off. She looked up at him with her eyes red with nothing but hatred, pain, anger, and tears. “How dare you touch my daughter?!!!” She screamed so loud that she was sure if she was in her right senses, she would know that the walls around them echoed.

“Fareeda...” He began silently, looking at him alone was enough to remind her of her grief. Even though it would hurt like hell did, she knew if Muhaseen had died with her father being as lovely as he used to toward her not saying she wasn’t his daughter, this wouldn’t have hurt her the way it did.

“Don’t you dare call my name.” She spoke through gritted teeth, her tears flowing down profusely on her cheeks. “Don’t you dare call my name again, I hate you, Mujaheed!!! My daughter died, what else now? What else do you want to take away from me?!” He moved closer to her and she immediately stood up and took a step back, “Don’t, don’t even think of coming closer to me!” Her hands were firmly holding Muhaseen and when he took another step toward her, she leaned down and took the rod she saw on the floor before she swatted it in front of her. “One more step, and I'll make sure you’re dead as well.”

Servants came to hold her, and she screamed while swatting the rod around their faces. “No one should come near me! No one should come! You all should leave me alone, she’s my daughter and mine alone!!!” She screamed and her knees went south, she slumped on the floor, still holding Muhaseen’s body firmly and Nafisa rushed to where she was before she hugged her. Fareeda wrapped her hands around Nafisa and cried even harder, her body shaking and her heart throbbing.

Mujaheed stared at her, unable to know what he should do or say. He had never felt this way. He knew it wasn’t so long since Daada died, but he had never felt this way. He closed his eyes and all he could see was the smiling face of Muhaseen, how she followed him around with her eyes whenever he went into Fareeda’s room. How she giggled if he carried her, how she laughed when he played with her...no, he couldn’t do this. His heart ached, his chest threatening to suffocate him.

He turned to Nafisa’s mother beside him and spoke with a voice that was at the verge of breaking down. “Please take care of her, she won’t listen to me now.” He walked away without waiting for her response and broke into tears on his way to his chamber. He wanted to scream at the pitch of his voice, cry until he couldn't feel his chest, but the worst thing was he couldn’t do everything everyone could do. He was expected to control himself because he was the freaking king!

He didn’t care whether Muhaseen was Adam’s daughter or not, but he loved her. He loved her so much that he could feel a part of him slowly slipping away from himself. And when he entered his room, he kept screaming at the pitch of his voice as he broke everything he laid his hands on. “Why?!!!” He cried painfully, slumping on the floor. Why did all his beloved died whenever he least expected it and they had to die when he was nothing but a bad person to them? He knew Muhaseen didn’t know anything, but her mother did. And he too wouldn’t forgive himself for what he did. His baby, his innocent and pretty Muhaseen...he palmed his face and broke into even more painful tears.

✥

They slept there on the cold ground with Fareeda holding Muhaseen’s body because she wouldn’t allow anyone to take her from her and she refused to go anywhere. “We have a special announcement to make! Queen Mairamou is three months pregnant! We’re all expected to rejoice with her, there will be a small celebration in her chamber in the evening today!” Those words of the town crier where the ones she woke up to, and she felt as though a dagger had been thrown onto her heart mercilessly. Mairamou was three months pregnant, she was going to celebrate while her daughter died yesterday, and no one even cared?

She turned to the crying eyes of Nafisa and she shook her head, “Your highness...” But before she was done, Fareeda had already burst into tears and she clung more onto Muhaseen’s body that was freezing cold now.

As though it were a thunder, that was how Mujaheed heard the town crier’s message, walking around the palace and he wondered when was the last time they used a town crier to deliver any information. When did this happen? How could she be pregnant? He hadn’t slept all night and when he stood up, he didn’t care about how rugged he looked and rushed to Mairamou’s chamber.

“Mairamou!!!” He called out angrily while walking to her room for the first time in his life. The servants in her chamber kept flashing him looks because of the way he stomped inside and how angrily he was calling her. “Where the hell are you?!” He banged into the room.

“What the hell do you think you’ve done? How could you lie about being pregnant? What the hell is wrong with you!” He thundered, and even though she didn’t know about what he was saying, she knew it was among the plans her mother and her maid of honor planned, at least it was a good thing he's in her room today.

“Since you can’t make that happen, why wouldn't I tell the palace that I'm pregnancy? Have you realized that you’ve never even hold my hand as your wife?” She was trying to touch him when he flung her to the ground.

“What do you think you’re doing, Mairamou? I want you to go and ask the same town crier you told to tell about the news and revoke it yourself...” He was about to say all the things he knew would hurt and surprise her as well when he remembered he had a daughter to bury, and he immediately ran out of the chamber.

He didn't care the looks the servants were flashing him when they saw him running to Fareeda's chamber and when he reached there, she was still where he left her yesterday night. But now she was resting her back on the wall as she fixed her eyes intently on the wall. He walked over to her in dying steps and knelt before her, he was about to touch Muhaseen when she held his wrist and roughly shrugged it off.

“Don’t you dare touch my daughter. Go away from us before I lose my temper on you, Mujaheed.” And no matter how much they tried, no one was able to take Muhaseen away from her, she stood on her ground and Mujaheed asked them all to let her be. He knew the innocent child should be bathed and prayed for before they buried her, but he didn't want Fareeda tone hurt more than how she was hurt now.

They stayed like that, watching as she cried nonstop while shaking Muhaseen and begging her to wake up, but she didn't. A servant rushed to the chamber and announced, “There’s a guest in the palace, your highness. He's a notable man and he asked to meet you directly. Should we tell him that you’re dealing with something and he should wait?”

As though being electrocuted, Fareeda immediately stood up and she shrugged Nafisa away from her while she walked directly to the palace with Mujaheed walking behind her. The moment she entered and saw him seated, she ran to where he was with Muhaseen in her hands and fell on him while she burst out into tears as though she hadn't been crying all night long. In a second, she lifted her body off him and placed Muhaseen on his laps.

“Check her for me, Baba. Is she still alive? Should I take her to the hospital? Please tell me she isn't dead.” Her lips trembled and you don’t have to look at her eyes to know the kind of pain she was going through.

Alhaji held Muhaseen in his hands and felt tears pooling the brink of his eyes, but he wouldn't cry because he knew that wouldn't give her the strength she needed now. He looked at Fareeda and she was staring at him with hope brewing from her eyes. “She’s still alive, huh?” How could he tell his baby that her own baby was no more?

“Fareeda...” He began softly, “Keep reciting Innalillahi, let them bathe her and take her to her grave, okay? Allah is your strength; I strongly believe you’ll wake through this.” Her shoulders sagged, and he handed Muhaseen to Mujaheed before he pulled her to him and gave her the hug she had been waiting for. It felt as if all those years she lived after Mama died, she had been waiting for this hug to soothe her heart.

She rested her head on his shoulder and cried, “Baba...please take me away from here. Take me home, I can’t stay here anymore.”

He fondled her back placatingly and rocked them slightly just so he could ease her soul, “I’ll take you home if that’s what you want, Fareeda. I'll take you anywhere you want to be in this world. I'm sorry, okay? You’ll be fine, it hurts for a while.”

✥

She had told Daada everything that had happened and kept begging him to take her home with her words coming out in hiccups. Like they sat in the palace yesterday, that was what happened today as well, just that Muhaseen was dead and buried and Alhaji was here for her, with her head on his thigh as she cried. She didn't care about the DNA result anymore because the one they care doing it for has no place on earth anymore. All she wanted was to go home and forget she had ever been in this painful country.

Baffah cleared his throat and began, “The result came in, and even though Muhaseen has passed away unfortunately yesterday, we still have to reveal the truth so her mother will have the justice she deserves...” He was caught off when Yapendo Maimuna’s maid of honor came into the palace and bowed down to apologize.

She rushed to Yapendo Maimuna and whispered, “Asma’u just called, she said we should be careful because their father has will be coming here today.”

Stealing a glance at him, Yapendo Maimuna whispered back, “He has arrived since morning, he’s over there. Don’t worry, nothing will happen.”

Alhaji looked up to the direction of the distraction and it was the same time when the woman looked up at him and at the same time, they gasped, and Alhaji immediately stood up. “Samira?!” He called out with his eyes bulged out and all attentions were back on him.

“Kamal?!” She called out with a voice mixed with so many emotions only the two of them knew, nobody else.

Fareeda despite being taken over by her grief, she looked up at the voice she thought she had forgotten. And upon seeing the face, she jerked upright and hid herself behind Alhaji. She firmly held his kaftan while shaking her head with a shocked expression on her face. “Baba, are you seeing what I'm seeing? I'm having illusions, right?” She whispered with a voice that shook with the fear of what she was seeing right in front of her life.

He looked at her face and fondled it softly, “You aren’t having illusions, Fareeda. Your eyes are right, it’s your mother standing over there, looking at both you and me.” She didn’t think if her head was able to hold everything that had been happening over the past twenty-four hours.

She was still clinging onto him when she stretched her head and stared at the face she had lived to love in her life. The face she had missed for years. They watched as she came over to them and she was about to touch Fareeda with tears in her eyes when Alhaji swatted her hand away from her and spoke with a voice that had mixed emotions. “Don't you dare touch my daughter or else, I'll make you regret doing that for the rest of your life, Samira.”