Chapter 41 Am I In Love (Ethans POV)
I don't love. That's not in my agenda. That was the first rule that I made to keep me stable.
Love has proven to be a weakness...a fracture in judgment, a blindfold over instinct, encouraging bad decisions. Love made men sloppy, predictable, disposable. I had built my life on precision, not sentiment, to always be in control, not attachment.
So whatever this feeling was, it wasn’t love, and I'm very sure of that. I stood at the top of the staircase, though unseen, and I was keenly watching them.
And right there, Demilia was laughing.
Not the quiet, restrained kind of smile she gave me sometimes. The cautious, well-measured, defensive kind of smile. No. This was completely different. Her head tipped back slightly, hair falling loose around her shoulders, eyes bright, and I could swear, it was the evidence of being truly happy.
Adrian stood beside her in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up, holding a wooden spoon as he belonged there. Like he had always belonged there, like he had been cooking all his life.
“Careful,” Demilia said between laughs. “You’re burning it so badly.”
Adrian grinned like it was nothing. “That’s not burning that you see there. That’s…rather called character.” She laughed very hard again, really very loud.
The sound got to me even though I didn't care. My fingers tightened around the railing like I could break it with just my fingers.
I didn’t remember the last time she had laughed like that with me. No...that wasn’t true, I remember everything very clearly. I just didn’t allow myself to dwell on it, to labor in pain.
“You’re impossible,” she said, nudging Adrian lightly with her elbow. The contact was a casual one, but it was familiar, very intimate without being inappropriate. That somehow made it worse.
I stepped back into the courtyard, making sure none of them saw me. This was not love in any way. This was an irritation that I couldn't afford to disrupt my day.
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Adrian had been foolishly visiting for weeks now without stopping. He has no decency to mind his business and leave people's wives alone. It was rather too often, too comfortably, always showing up polite, and always calm. But at the same time, always careful never to cross a line that would justify me throwing him out by force. He was rather a clever bastard.
“I’m only here for Demilia,” he’d said once, when I confronted him in the hall.
“I don’t care,” I’d replied coldly. “You’re not welcome under my roof.”
“And yet,” he’d smiled mildly, “here I am, no going back.” I hadn’t stopped him after that.
That was the part that unsettled me, and it was because I didn't want Demilia to think the worst of me. But of what use is her thought when she doesn't even give me time?
I had told myself countless times that I didn’t care.
I told myself I was above it...above jealousy, above emotion, above the primitive need to compete for affection with Adrian. But every time I saw them together, something inside me seemed to get provoked. They cooked together, talked quietly on the terrace.
Sometimes I caught glimpses of them through open doors, and would be Demilia leaning against the counter while Adrian spoke softly, his voice low enough that she had to listen.
Sometimes they didn’t talk at all, they just existed together, enough to provoke me.
And Demilia… relaxed on his body like he was everything she ever asked for.
She moved differently around him. Less guarded, less tensed. As if she didn’t feel the need to armor herself. As if she wasn’t afraid of him.
I hated that so much. I hated him for giving her something I couldn’t.
“Why do you let him stay?” The question came from my own mouth one night, sharp and unguarded, making me look foolish.
Demilia paused, surprised that I even talked to her.
“He’s family now,” she said carefully. My eyes darkened, more like a jealous puppy. “He’s my rival.”
She shrugged lightly. “Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.” They were just for me.
Everything was opposition, power, territory, to control.
“You enjoy his company,” I said flatly. She looked at me for a long moment. “Is that a question or an accusation?”
I didn’t answer, I just kept quiet., and she didn’t push for it.
That silence between us... It had changed. It wasn’t charged anymore. It was now distant.
And that scared me more than anger ever had.
That night, I poured myself a drink and didn’t touch it as I was lost in derp thought.
I stood by the window instead, watching the lights in the garden where Adrian and Demilia sat side by side on the bench.
She was talking animatedly now, hands moving as she spoke. While Adrian listened... really listened...his eyes on her face, attention undivided. I clenched my fist in fury.
I didn’t pay undivided attention. I only know how to do strategy, and I did outcomes.
I did protection but only through control.
Love? No, that's not my thing.
And yet… When Demilia laughed again....softer this time, closer....
I felt my ribs breaking, like it was hurting me really bad. It was more like possession was gradually taking over me, but not the cold, calculated kind. This was Something darker than I can even imagine. Something very dangerous.
“You don’t love her,” I muttered to myself, trying to convince myself that I was not doing the things I hate to do. The words sounded hollow in the empty room, like I don't mean it.
“You don’t love anyone.” That had always been true. Hadn’t it? I tried comforting myself.
>>>>>>>>>>
The next morning, I intercepted Adrian in the hallway just as he was walking freely like he wasn't the one giving me sleepless nights. He stopped easily, unafraid, like I can't possibly do him anything.
“You’re getting too comfortable,” I said. He smiled faintly. “I could say the same about you.”
“I don’t want you here,” I repeated. “And yet,” he said, “you still haven’t ordered security to escort me out.”
I stepped closer. “Don’t mistake restraint for permission.”
He met my gaze evenly. “Don’t mistake fear for control.”
That did it.
I grabbed him by the collar and slammed him lightly against the wall... not enough to draw attention, but just enough to make my point.
“Stay away from her,” I hissed.