Chapter 28 — Sebastian

Hand trembling, Sebastian jammed on the buzzer outside Gabriel’s apartment building. He knew that he was being a coward, but he couldn’t bring himself to face any more rejection. Losing Douglas hurt, and the fact that Douglas would lie to try to soften the blow only made things worse.

Was he to be loveless for the rest of his life because of the choices he’d made in the past? Because he’d seen an opportunity to make money and had sprung for it? Sebastian rang the buzzer again, squeezing his eyes shut. When the door buzzed, he tugged it open and flew for the stairs.

He needed to talk to Gabriel. Gabriel could help him through this.

Gabriel met him halfway down the stairs.

“Sebastian?” Gabriel asked. He frowned. “What the hell are you doing, ringing the buzzer like that over and over? I was coming. All you needed to do was be patient.”

“No. I can’t. I…” Sebastian grasped the railing. He felt lightheaded. “It went badly and I had to go. I had to get out. I need somewhere to stay until I can calm down.”

“Whoa, whoa. Calm down.” Gabriel dropped a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. He stood a step ahead of Sebastian. “You’re upset now, but that’s okay. Why don’t we go inside and talk it out? It’s not the end of the world. You’ll tell me what happened, and we’ll regroup and take it from there.”

Sebastian nodded. The world spun. He knew he was taking the news hard, but his heart had a mind of its own, and it wasn’t inclined to listen to rational thought. He loved Douglas, but it looked like Douglas didn’t feel the same way.

“You’re pale as a sheet. Come on. Let’s get you inside.” Gabriel squeezed Sebastian’s shoulder, then began to climb the stairs. “Do you want beer, or do you want something else? I’ve got stress relief tea, if you want. That might be helpful.”

“Tea sounds great.” Anything that would help him deal with the near panic attack he was having would be welcome. He followed Gabriel up the stairs. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for being so all over the place. Ever since I met him, I’ve just been… it’s like a tornado ripped through me and ripped all my emotions loose.”

“Mmhm.” Gabriel reached the landing. He fitted the key into his apartment door and let Sebastian in. “Sounds like textbook F1 love. The good thing is, you’ve come to the tornado shelter. I’m going to order some pizza and make you some tea, and when you’ve got something warm in your stomach, everything is going to feel better.”

“It’s nine in the morning.” Sebastian’s lips twitched upward despite his rocky emotions. “Where are you going to find pizza at nine in the morning?”

“I have my sources.” Gabriel waggled an eyebrow. “Never challenge a man who doesn’t cook to find delivery options. You will lose. I have a network of hook-ups throughout the city, each more secret and devious than the last.”

“Killing me with food poisoning isn’t going to make the problem go away.”

“No.” Gabriel stroked his chin thoughtfully. “But it might put things into perspective for you. Now. You need to go relax on the couch while I get set up in the kitchen and make some calls. Try not to linger on what you’re feeling, okay? Or you’re only going to feed the storm.”

Feeding the storm was a bad idea. Sebastian dropped down onto Gabriel’s couch and decided to listen to Gabriel go about his business in the kitchen. He heard Gabriel place a call—it looked like pizza was going to happen—then run the water to fill the kettle. There was a clink of metal as the kettle hit the burner, then the sound of the fridge opening.

Soon enough, Sebastian heard the whistle of the kettle.

“So.” Gabriel appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. He leaned against the doorframe. “Pizza’s going to be here in forty minutes. We’re talking top notch stuff. I pulled a few strings and cashed in a few favors with one of my finest contacts to arrange for it, so I know it’s going to be good.”

“You are honestly one of the most bizarre people I’ve met in my life.” Sebastian chuckled, but his enjoyment was only temporary. Without something to occupy his mind, his troubles with Douglas took center stage. “Thank you, though. I really appreciate the fact that you’re trying to help me.”

“Like I said before, it’s what a best friend does.” Gabriel glanced over his shoulder. “Kettle’s going to be ready in a second. You want it sweet?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I may not be able to cook, but I make a wicked cup of tea, and you’re going to love it. When I get back, we’re going to talk about what your best steps are going forward.”

“Thank you.”

“Mmhm.” Gabriel slid back into the kitchen. Sebastian heard the cabinet open and the chink of porcelain as it hit the counter.

While Gabriel worked, Sebastian threaded his fingers together and wilted on the couch. Problems were always biggest when he was closest to them, but he knew in a few months’ time, he’d look back at his situation and laugh. There wasn’t an obstacle in his life that couldn’t be overcome with determination and enough time—even if the solution to that problem wasn’t one Sebastian wanted to entertain.

“All right.” Gabriel returned. He set a mug on the coffee table in front of Sebastian. “So the deal with stress relief tea is that you’ve got to drink it before it gets too cold. Don’t scald your mouth, obviously, but don’t let it go lukewarm either. You want to drink this bad boy when he’s still got some heat.”

Sebastian observed the mug. The tea was the same dark brown color he was familiar with. What was so out of the ordinary about it?

“I can see what you’re thinking.” Gabriel sat on the couch by Sebastian. “You’re thinking to yourself, ‘What the hell have I gotten myself into?’ That’s not a bad question to ask. If I were in your shoes, I’d be asking myself the same thing. Who stays friends with me for like, what, eight years? You knew how weird I was back in high school, yet here you sit, about to drink my mystery tea.”

“The more you talk about it, the less I want to drink it.” Sebastian made a face. “It’s kind of creeping me out.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “It’s tea, Sebastian. I’m not some random dude buying you a drink in a club. You’re fine.”

“Still not helping.” Sebastian picked the mug up by the handle and laid a palm upon the porcelain. It felt too hot to drink, so he blew on the top.

“Now do you want to talk about what happened?”

Sebastian let his gaze return to the tea. He didn’t really want to talk, but he knew that he had to. Gabriel would be able to coach him through his emotions and see him through to the other side.

“I went back to talk to him like you told me, but before I could say anything, he told me he was letting me go.” The way those words sunk his spirits drowned Sebastian in his misery. Remembering it was painful. “He kept saying he couldn’t afford to keep me, but it was like he was trying to pretend that the sugaring stuff didn’t exist. He wouldn’t even mention it until I started calling him out for it, and… and it felt really insincere, like he was pretending he wasn’t offended when really he was.”

Gabriel scratched his jaw. “That’s it?”

“What do you mean, that’s it?” Sebastian squared his shoulders defensively. “It’s kind of a big deal. Pretend you have a boyfriend—”

“Ouch.”

“—and pretend you found out that boyfriend used to be a sugar baby. If he hid it from you and you found out through your ex-boss, who used his services, wouldn’t you be upset?”

“About the hiding part? Maybe. I won’t lie.” Gabriel shrugged. “But the sugaring stuff? You’re making a mountain out of a molehill, Sebastian. I know that it’s not conventional and that it’s frowned upon, but it’s not like you did sex work. Not really. You didn’t take off your pants for anyone. And if you stuck around to tell Douglas that, maybe you wouldn’t be here right now. I’m pretty sure by the panicked state you were in when you arrived that you ran, right?”

Sebastian didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t reply, but in his silence, he admitted his guilt.

Gabriel sighed. “You can’t fix anything if you don’t talk. I know you haven’t had an adult relationship yet, but… but that’s how it is. It’s a learning curve, and it’s not pleasant, but life isn’t all sunshine and roses. A relationship is a magical, incredible thing, but it takes work to maintain. Just like if you buy your dream house, if you don’t maintain it, it’s going to fall apart.”

The last time Sebastian had a boyfriend was in high school, and they’d split up in the summer between college. He nodded, mute, ashamed of himself.

With Douglas, his emotions ran too high to dial back. Discipline and restraint were hard to come by. Sebastian needed to work on both.

“Listen…” Gabriel shifted his weight from thigh to thigh like he was settling down. When he spoke again, his words were in discord with his reluctant tone. “If you want, I’ll come with you to speak to Douglas next time. I’ll wait in the car outside, and if you run, I’ll drag you back in there. I’m not ashamed.”

“No. It’s… it’s okay.” Sebastian didn’t want that. His business with Douglas was his own, and he needed to see it through. Running was tempting, and sometimes it felt necessary, but he knew he couldn’t keep at it forever. “I’m going to drink your sketchy tea and eat your sketchy pizza, then I’m going to go see him and set things right once and for all. Even if he breaks up with me…”

Sebastian couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. It hurt too much.

Gabriel rubbed his shoulder. “You’re fine. This love shit? It isn’t easy. But you’re going to pull through. The clouds will part and the sun will shine no matter what. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

An electronic trill interrupted their conversation. It was so startling that Sebastian was sucked out of the moment. No longer absorbed by their conversation and the problems at hand, he was able to take a step back from his inner turmoil and see the situation for what it was.

If he was true to himself and to his emotions, even rejection wouldn’t be so bad. If nothing else, he had to try. He owed it to himself, and he owed it to Douglas.

“It’s my phone.” Sebastian took it from his pocket and glanced down at the screen. He expected to see Douglas’ caller ID on the screen, but the caller was unknown. “I think I have to take it.”

“Is it Douglas?”

“No. I don’t know who it is. Let me answer and I’ll let you know.” Sebastian accepted the call and held the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hi. Am I speaking with Mr. Shallotte?”

“You are. And who am I speaking to?” Sebastian locked eyes with Gabriel, who studied him quizzically.

“This is Cindy Latimer from HR at Binnexa. I received your application for an accounting position with our company, and I’d like to schedule an interview.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened.

“Who is it?” Gabriel mouthed.

Sebastian shook his head. He wasn’t going to make a fool of himself when he was on the line with a potential job. “That would be fantastic. What are your availabilities?”

Cindy rattled off a list of times, and Sebastian chose one at random. It didn’t matter to him when he went in to interview—without his position as Ian’s nanny, he had all the time in the world.

When he had all the information necessary and the call ended, Sebastian ran a hand through his hair and addressed Gabriel again. “It was the company Douglas gave me a lead on. They want to interview me for an accounting position.”

“Destiny?” Gabriel grinned. “So, now that you’re feeling a little more confident with that in your back pocket, will you talk to Douglas? Please?”

“After pizza.” Sebastian returned his grin, even though he was still rattled.

The universe was giving him the push he needed to be bold—to step up and embrace adulthood. Whatever happened in the days to come, he would be okay. He was ready to take life by the horns and prove to himself that he could do it.

He would chase happiness, not entertain despair.