Soothing Aches
Soothing Aches
Jan's perfume lingered in the room, cloying and sweet, and for a moment, I felt suffocated by it. She'd slammed the door behind her as she stormed off, and the echo of it rattled in my tightened chest, leaving me and Ciel suspended in the short silence she left behind.
I didn’t move.
The way he’d made up an excuse to dismiss Jan made me feel like I was in the right place. I was glad, but... Why am I here? What do I want with him?
I still didn't know what I wanted him to see him for.
" What's wrong, did something happen?" My mind kept replaying the flicker in his eyes when he moved close to me and asked.
But I was left stunned, and could only stare at him blankly with nothing to say. My eyes burned with tears threatening to break, and my shoulders trembled beside me.
I lowered my head, not knowing what to tell him. I didn't know how to even begin explaining how I felt.
"Alyssa?" He pressed a palm to my shoulder, but I could only reply in silence.
Until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
My throat felt tight, and my heart hammered painfully, too much. I realized the words rising inside me were selfish; childish, even. But they pressed at me.
“I know it’s… it’s a lot to ask,” I pushed myself to say, but I ended up only whispering as my voice couldn't be found, “but… would it be too much if I asked for a hug?”
Ciel’s eyes widened slightly. He looked caught off guard, and his usual composure slipped just a fraction.
But before he could answer, I was already moving. The dam inside me burst, and I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around his sturdy waist. My face pressed into his chest, and the smokey, pine-y scent of him that has a mix of something I could only describe as distinctively his, felt like a fresh air of relief.
Unable to hold it in any longer, I broke into tears.
I sobbed without control, my whole body trembled and my breath hitched in shallow bursts as I clung to him like he was the only thing keeping me from shattering.
“It’s all my fault,” I cried into the fabric of his shirt, my tears soaking through instantly. “It’s all my fault, Ciel!”
For a long moment, he was still, his arms hanging at his sides, rigid as if uncertain. I almost pulled away in shame. But the grief inside me was too much, too wild. I stayed, holding him as fragile as I felt. Even if he rejected me, even if he pushed me off, I wouldn't mind.
I just need this. I can’t bear the weight alone anymore.
I understood Selena's hurt, but the way she lashed out at me was just cruel.
And Icarus... I don't even know what to think about him.
Everything is crumbling, and Ciel is the only one I could cling to.
Michael's death. It really shouldn't have been.
My mind reeled, dragging me back to that moment of the gunfire. I could vividly recollect Michael Jumping in front of the bullet for Ciel and I, and the way his body jerked as the bullet found him. The shock in his eyes; the silence that followed. It replayed endlessly, a loop I couldn’t escape.
I was mad.
I was mad at myself!
“If I had stopped gamma Jerome,” I choked out. “If I had told Michael not to go, if I’d just-- just thought it through. Michael might... Michael might still be alive. He wouldn’t have had to…” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t finish. The image of Michael collapsing, crimson spilling beneath him, sealed my throat shut.
The guilt swelled higher, suffocating me. My chest heaved with sobs until my ribs ached.
For the longest time, Ciel said nothing. The silence made me feel small, pathetic, like I had made a fool of myself. And then slowly, but deliberately, his arms came up and crept to a close around me firmly.
It was like a sheet was slowly draped on me after a long day in the rain.
It was the kind of embrace that didn’t pity, but anchored.
His body heat pressed into mine, grounding me, making me feel alive once again. His hand splayed against my back, keeping me close, as though to say "stop breaking yourself apart,you’re not alone anymore."
Just what I needed!
“It’s okay,” he said finally, his voice low and even, rumbling against my ear. “It’s not your fault.”
I shook my head violently, the denial bursting out of me in a sob. “You don’t understand. I Know you're just trying to--"
“No.” He cut through my weeping and pulled back just enough to look at me, his pale eyes hard, unyielding. “Listen to me, Alyssa. Michael did what he had to do. That was his choice. His final choice. You can’t carry that weight on your shoulders.”
Tears blurred my vision. My head swelled, I didn't know whether I was relieved or finally felt rightly heard.
His hands tightened slightly, forcing me to focus on him. “Elder Jerome might have set things in motion. Maybe even Icarus, I suspect. But Michael was an Alpha. And Alphas don’t die because someone else chose it for them. They die because they stepped into the fire willingly.”
His words burned, but in a way that cut through the fog of guilt, sharp and undeniable. I wasn't sure if Icarus had a part to play in the suspicion of Michael's death being planned but I couldn't even care at the moment.
I wanted to hear Ciel. I wanted him to make me feel better.
“He died protecting you,” Ciel said, softer now. “Not because you failed him. Because he chose it. That’s who he was.”
The tears fell harder, streaking hot down my face.
I knew he was right. I wanted to let those words take root inside me. But the ache was too deep. Michael didn't have to die for me.
He didn't!
I wanted to tell Ciel this.
But then, I noticed Ciel’s expression shifted. His jaw tightened and his gaze darkened with something fiercer than grief. His arms that were wrapped around me stiffened, not pulling away, but charged with resolve.
“It’s on me,” he said at last, his voice low but thrumming with rage beneath the calm. He pulled me into a deep hug, leaving me surprised yet relieved. “I should have seen it. I should have known what was happening before it came to this. I should have protected him. I failed him.”
I lifted my head slightly, startled by the rawness in his voice.
His eyes, usually so controlled, burned with an intensity that sent a shiver down my spine. “But I won’t fail again. Whoever did this… whoever thought they could strip this pack of its Alpha and leave us bleeding… I’ll make them regret it.”
Although his vow was quiet, it carried more weight than a shout. It was a promise to be fulfilled, one that sent a chill crawling over my skin.
“I’ll have my revenge,” he finished, and for a moment, I almost forgot to breathe.
Michael was always like this too.
Looking at him, he looked an awful lot like Michael now!
Ciel really, is his son.
The silence that followed felt charged, as though the very walls of the room were holding their breath. I had quieted from my sobs; replaced by the thundering of my heart.
I didn’t know whether to feel comforted or afraid. Because, right in this moment, Ciel wasn’t just the steady second-in-command. He was something else...
And yet… for the first time since Michael’s death, the crushing loneliness inside me eased. Because I knew Ciel wouldn’t stop until the truth was unearthed, until vengeance was claimed.
I buried my face in his chest again, tears still falling, though softer now. “Then don’t leave me behind,” I whispered desperately, my voice breaking.
His arms tightened once more, and though he said nothing, the weight of his silence felt like an answer.
I don't care how embarrassing I sound. Its just how I feel right now. Its what I want.
I've seen everything crumble around me the past few days. I've faced several life and death situations.
And with this, I know I wouldn't fair too well alone. I can't!
And Ciel, he's all I have right now. All I'm holding on to.