Chapter 34 The Name He Shouldn’t Have Said

Chapter 34 The Name He Shouldn’t Have Said
Ivy

The name Elena was still hanging in the air like a ghost that didn’t want to leave. Lucian was looking at me, but I didn’t think he was seeing Ivy anymore. I felt like I was wearing another person’s skin, and it was starting to itch.

I pulled the silk sheet up to my chest because I suddenly felt very cold. The room was big and dark, and Lucian was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me. He looked like a statue, all hard and still.

"Why did you say her name?" I asked. My voice sounded very small, like a little girl’s voice.

Lucian didn’t turn around. "I didn’t mean to. It was a mistake."

"You said it while you were holding me," I said, and I felt a tear slide down my cheek again. "It doesn't feel like a mistake. It feels like you were looking for her and you found me instead."

"It’s not like that, Ivy," he said. He finally turned to look at me. His eyes were dark and full of something that looked like pain. "You are the only real thing in this house. You know that."

"Do I?" I wiped my face with the back of my hand. "I’m pretending to be Zara for your father. I’m pretending to be a queen for the people at the gala. And now I’m Elena for you? When do I get to be Ivy?"

Lucian reached out to touch my hair, but I moved away. He let out a long breath and looked at the floor.

"My mother... she deserved more than this life," he said. His voice was very deep and it sounded bitter, like coffee that had sat out too long. "And she definitely deserved more than him."

"You mean Alistair?" I asked.

"Yes," Lucian said. He gripped the edge of the mattress so hard his knuckles turned white. "He didn't love her. He owned her. He kept her in this house like a bird in a cage until she just... stopped singing. He watched her fade away and he didn't do a thing to stop it."

"He's very sick now," I whispered. "Does that make it better?"

"No," Lucian snapped. "It makes it worse. He gets to die slowly while everyone feels sorry for him. My mother didn't get that. She died in the dark, feeling alone. He was supposed to protect her. That was his only job, and he failed."

I looked at him and I felt a different kind of sadness. I thought I was the only one who felt like a prisoner here. But Lucian had been living with a ghost for a long time.

"Is that why you hate him so much?" I asked.

"I hate him because he kills everything he touches," Lucian said. "And I’m scared that I’m just like him. Maybe that’s why I said her name. Maybe I’m just as broken as he is."

"You aren't him," I said, but I didn't move closer. "But it hurts that you see her when you look at me. I’m not her, Lucian. I’m not Zara, and I’m definitely not Elena."

Lucian stood up and walked out for a while, then he came back and sat on the bed. He was holding something small in his hand. It was a silver key, but it looked very old.

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's the only thing she left me," he said. He held the key out so I could see it. "She didn't leave me money. She just gave me this key and told me to keep it hidden from my father. Always."

I touched the cold metal with my finger. "What does it open?"

"I don't know," Lucian said. "I’ve spent years looking for the lock. I’ve tried every door in this house. I’ve tried every box in her old room. Nothing fits."

"Maybe it's not in this house," I suggested.

"That's what I think now," he said. "She told me that when I was ready, I would understand. She said it was my 'true inheritance.' But Alistair has been watching me my whole life. He thinks she left a secret bank account or a stash of diamonds. He’s searched my things a hundred times over the years. That’s why he’s so angry all the time. He thinks she cheated him out of something."

"And you have no idea what it's for?"

"None," he said, closing his hand over the key. "But it’s the only part of her that he couldn't take. And sometimes, when I'm with you, I feel like I'm close to figuring it out. You make me feel like I can breathe again, Ivy. That’s why I got confused. I haven't felt this way since I was a little boy and she was still alive."

I felt a little bit of the anger leave my body, but the sadness stayed. I realized that Lucian wasn't just in love with me. He was trying to heal a hole in his heart that reached back to when he was a child.

"We are both living with secrets," I said. "I have to pretend to be my sister every morning when the maid walks in. I have to look at Alistair and pretend I don't want to run away. And you have to carry a key that doesn't open anything."

"It’s a heavy life," Lucian said. He leaned in and kissed my forehead. It wasn't a sexy kiss. It was the kind of kiss you give someone when you are both drowning and you find a piece of wood to hold onto.

"Do you think Alistair knows about the key?" I asked.

"He suspects something exists," Lucian whispered. 

I felt a shiver go down my spine. Alistair was an old, sick man, but he was still a spider in the middle of a very big web.

"He can't find out who I really am," I said. "If he knows I'm not Zara, he won't just be mad. He'll kill my father for lying to him."

"I won't let him," Lucian said. "I promise."

"Promises are hard to keep in this house," I said.

I looked at the silver key in his hand again. It looked so simple, but it felt like it was full of bad luck. We were two people lying in a bed built for a ghost, holding onto a key that had no door.

"Lucian?" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Don't call me Elena again. Please. Even if you're thinking about her, just... call me Ivy. I need to know that at least one person knows I'm real."

He looked at me for a long time. Then he put the key in his pocket and lay down next to me. He pulled me into his arms and held me tight.

"I know you're real, Ivy," he whispered into my hair. "You're the only thing that's ever been real to me."

I wanted to believe him. I really did. But as I closed my eyes, I kept thinking about that key. It was a secret from a dead woman, and I had a feeling that when we finally found the lock, we might not like what was inside.