Chapter 18: If Ever You're in My Arms Again

Jada saw it, and apparently, Jessica had too. Although Jada didn’t know what it meant, Jessica did. Chris looked like he had been washed through with ice water, as his hand that had his fingers balled into a fist, began to tremble. As the rest of the table laughed and snickered at the intern’s sexy red dress, obviously worn to captivate Chris, they failed to notice the change of atmosphere in the room. Jessica grabbed that shaking hand, pulled Chris to his feet, and rushed him out of the room. 

Chris’s chair fell back with a loud thud, pulling people’s attention to the two retreating forms. That haunted look in his eyes was familiar to Jada. She had seen it on her father’s face and Kit’s as well. Jada couldn’t figure out why Chris reacted that way. She slowly got to her feet and felt a hand clamp down on hers.

“Where are you going?” Samuel asked.

Jada, with an annoyance she didn’t know she held for Samuel, pulled her hand free, and ran out of the room. Jada went into the public dining room but didn’t see them. She rushed out of the restaurant and into the hotel lobby. There she saw Jessica and Chris stand in front of the elevator. Jessica was supporting Chris’s weight as he hunched over her. Cautiously she made her way to them, each step she took causing concern to bloom in her chest. 

The elevator doors opened and Jessica pushed Chris into it while stopping everyone else from entering it. Just as the doors began to close, Jessica turned and their eyes locked. She held the doors for a moment as if waiting for Jada to make up her mind.

Jada didn’t know what to do, she stood there frozen in indecision, the pleading look in Jessica’s eyes and the way Chris’s body folded to the floor, turned her concern into fear. She knew what would happen if she took a step into that elevator, she would be entering a world that she had run away from.

As if sensing her indecision, Jessica released the elevator doors, and as Chris began to disappear behind them, Jada made up her mind. She jumped in, squeezing through just as the doors closed.

Jada stood over Chris and watched as he clawed at his throat, ripping open his shirt. “What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s having a panic attack,” Jessica stood at the corner of the elevator, her eyes panicked. She started to search her clothes for pockets that didn’t exist, “I don’t have my phone. What do we do? Chris why would you leave your pills in your hotel room.”

“I-,” Chris began to say but stopped. His voice was like rusted nails in a pan. 

Jada crouched in front of him and stared into panicked eyes. He wasn’t trapped in demons from his past unconsciously like his brother or her father, he was reliving his nightmares. Trapped in with his demons while he was still wide awake. Her hand trembled as she brought it to his face. Her own fears were holding her back from comforting Chris. She knew that the moment she felt the warmth of his skin beneath her touch, she would be lost in him forever. She didn’t think she had the strength to pull herself out of Chris’ labyrinth ever again. But even with warning bells ringing loudly in her head cautioning her heart about its latest willful decision, Jada didn’t pull away. 

The moment her warm fingers touched his cold cheek, a charge went through her like a vicious tornado that unearthed all the emotions that she had worked so hard to bury over the years. Even as the feeling of love, hurt, hate, and grief came crushing into her, she didn’t pull her hand away. Chris looked up slowly like a man waking from a dream and rested his forehead on hers. 

The moment stretched out as they sat on the floor, as the storm that raged within Chris calmed as hers began. They didn’t notice the elevator had gone back down and up again, not until Jessica told them. When they finally got to the penthouse, Jada helped Chris to his feet and out the elevator. She had expected Jessica to go with them, to buffer Jada from Chris, but when Jada turned, she saw the elevator doors close and Jessica disappearing behind it.

Jada helped Chris onto the sofa, stood back, and watched him for a moment before she asked, “What happened?”

Chris took a couple of deep breaths before answering, “You shut me out, so I don’t know how you dealt with what happened. But I developed some issues.”

“What issues?”

Chris looked up at her and she watched the shadows threaten his composure, “Blood phobia,” he said. “I get a panic attack each time I see blood or anything red.”

“Why?” the second the question left her lips she wished them back. Jada knew why. How else did a man who was fearless crumple to the ground just because an intern wore a sexy red dress? She didn’t let him answer, instead she asked something else, “Why did you build the village?”

“To help people like my brother and your father,” Chris responded.

“Why Hope and Faith?”

“That’s what I named our daughters,” Chris’s voice was nothing more than a whisper, but to her ears, it was as if he had shouted it to her.

Jada had changed the subject from his blood phobia to the village hoping to avoid talking about their painful past, but it seemed she had just dived into it headfirst.

“When they were still here,” Chris labored with those words. “I never thought about that, their names.”

“What made you think about it now?” The emotion in Jada’s throat grew painfully thick. 

“I keep waiting for time to heal my heart and take my grief away. But I am still living in that moment. I tried to run from it, and drown my brain in alcohol to forget it, but it didn’t work.” His elbows on his knees and his fingers digging into his now loose hair, the exhaustion in his voice was clear. “I’m stuck in one moment. I can still hear the sound your body made when you landed at the bottom of the stairs, I can still smell it and see the blood as it pooled around your body.” Chris stared at his trembling hand, “and I can still feel their last kicks.”

“So, Hope and Faith?” Jada was cautious to stay on the other side of the border of these emotions. She willed herself not to be pulled into Chris’s grief, she had her own, she was managing it well, and she didn’t need Chris’s to destroy her. She wouldn’t step across that barrier.

“I realized that death isn’t the greatest loss. The greatest loss is what does inside us while we live.” When Chris looked up at her, she saw tears roll down his cheeks and she steeled herself even more. “Grief changes shape but it never ends, at least mine doesn’t. I was crazy thinking that time would completely heal me, that the wounds in my heart would slowly close. The babies died and left us alone and I can’t stop thinking about what life would have been like if they were still alive. All I can hope and have faith in is that one day my grief will be transformed into something better and bearable.” 

Jada’s head dropped and she wasn’t able to lift it. She was struggling so hard to keep her emotions caged in, but they wouldn’t be subdued. The sharp startling pain of having the wind knocked out of her and not understanding what was happening rushed over her. 

Time had helped Jada manage her grief. Her work had helped through a different kind of loneliness now that she was alone in her body. By working crazy hours, she had managed to escape her own body and mind. The brief respite had allowed her to function, her work was proof that she had value. She had failed in so much in her life, but her work gave her back her worthiness. 

For the longest time she too had lived in that moment, but for her, it was the second before she fell down the stairs. In that instant, she had wished that everything was a dream and that she would wake up in her bed. Reliving that moment wishing that she had grabbed for the banister or forced her heavy body back had her living in regret. Jada felt like she was going to explode out of her skin with worry. The fear and anxiety had been so overwhelming. But as time went on, she got herself to function on her own, finding peace in the things she could not change and those that she could. And in no time, she was used to the loneliness.

But now that Chris had reappeared in her life, she couldn’t help but think about their daughters. She wondered if they would look like him if they would have her temperament or his devil may care attitude. This was the reason why she had escaped Chris. Jada had been able to sort out through her feelings, all except the guilt. This was not her first encounter with grief, death had touched her before but for some reason, it hit her differently. 

Chris as right, guilt changed shape it didn’t disappear. With her father, she knew she had done all she could, but with her babies, she felt guilty for not protecting them. It was her job to keep them safe in her body for nine months. It was a duty she had to do on behalf of Chris, which was what he had trusted her to do. But her desire to show her mother and sister that how she had changed and how strong and independent of them she was, had caused her to lose a huge piece of her soul. And looking at how broken Chris was, how could she not feel guilty.

Jada let out a deep breath and the tension in her body flowed out with it. It was almost a relief to let the tears flow through her, hard and fast that she couldn’t concentrate. She would cry it out today, but tomorrow it was going to be a new day. 

“The road doesn’t end, you just learn how to walk it differently,” Jada whispered. “You need to know how and when to move on.”

“Like you?” 

Jada heard the accusation in his voice but decided not to take the bait. Chris wasn’t oblivious to her pain or her now open wounded heart. Jada understood that crippling, deep fear that felt so paralyzing that came with the thought of not being able to take a deep breath without pain ever again. Jada knew that she just couldn’t give him what he desperately wanted, a release of his pain and peace. He had to find that within himself.

“Hope and Faith?” Jada asked again.

“Hope and Faith,” Chris said with a nod. “I have no visible evidence of the word parent, except for the village.”

Jada stared at him and watched as he fought himself. Hers was less of a battle but a series of lessons on how a battle had unfolded and the consequences of every choice that she had made that led her to that moment. Even if she let herself retrace her steps and weigh out her moves from the moment, she let her mother force her to quit dance, to when she had met Chris at the beach, to when she went to New York and to finally escaping to London, it would not change the realities of the necessary sacrifices she made to achieve this greater goal. 

Self-love. 

“Forgive yourself,” the words stilled in her throat as she chocked up. “And forgive me.”

“What?” he asked confused. 

“We can’t change the past. Living in a world of what-ifs will only do us damage,” Jada said. “Yes, I have moved on. It was the only way I could survive. So, forgive yourself for failing me and the babies, forgive me for failing you, and move on. Hope and Faith are just words if you don’t give yourself a chance if you don’t try.”

Chris’s face twisted in pain, but Jada didn’t move. She wasn’t going to cross that barrier that she had put up. It was for the best, for both of them. It wouldn’t do them any good if they fell into each other’s grief or if they woke up the deeper emotions that connected both of them. The storm seemed to be finally subsiding, calming by degrees and she hoped that soon, nothing but silence would remain.

***

Six Weeks Later.

“How was the wedding?” Jada asked Jessica as she walked into Jada’s office.

Kit had invited Jada to his wedding to Danny, but Jada couldn’t bring herself to go. How could she face the family she almost called her own? She was terrified that seeing them again would only rip out the stitches she placed on her heart after the damage Chris’s appearance had caused. The first week working together had been awkward and painful. They both could not seem to be in each other’s presence without causing each other agony. But soon they had fallen into stride and worked together as old friends would. And after a while, that was what they had managed to become, friends. That friendship annoyed Samuel, so she cut him off from her life. Now he was a co-worker she had minimal interactions with.

“It was beautiful. Chris turned that old creepy castle into something so warm and inviting. It’s like he healed its soul or something,” Jessica said in a chirpy voice.

“Did you get to see your love rival?” Jada teased.

“Rayne was too busy fussing over her sister, but I saw your love rival,” Jessica said, the mischief in her eyes contagious.

“Okay, I’ll bite. Who is my love rival?”

“Every single eligible bachelorette in New York and their fathers.”

A coil of heat warmed her spine and Jada began to pray for colder resolve. Chris was now her friend, but that didn’t keep her from getting jealous. But she wasn’t going to show that to Jessica.

“Really?” Jada faked amusement.

“Admit it, you are curious to know if he went home with anyone,” Jessica kept pushing.

“His life is in New York and mine is here,” she feigned nonchalance while her insides burned with curiosity.

“He didn’t want to come, you know.”

“To the wedding?”

“No here,” Jessica’s playful mood took a serious turn. “His father forced him to come. He said he wanted to wait for you in New York. He didn’t want to come here and seem like he was forcing himself on you.”

Jada centered her attention to Jessica’s words. Chris had not shown any interest in being with her romantically. It might have been because Jada didn’t give him a chance, but still. When Chris wanted something, he was about a subtle as a gun.

“Well, he didn’t,” was all Jada could say.

“Did you want him to?”

Jada thought about the question for a moment. Her answer was still the same as it had been three years before. “No.”

“Are you speaking out of fear or are you being honest with yourself?”

“Yes,” Jada said. “Why else would I put an ocean between myself and the only man I’ve ever loved. I’m terrified.”

***

Chris didn’t like giving speeches and he had recently discovered that he didn’t like being the center of attention. He stepped off the podium as his guests applauded him. He hoped his speech was good enough to have New York’s elite to open their wallets as purses just as generously as they would if they were buying Cartier Watches and Porches. Donating to charity was a statement to people’s wealth, and he was going to play on that for Hope and Faith’s Village’s benefit.

Chris walked through the crowd to the center of the room where his family stood.

“Honey you did a great job,” his mother said as she pulled him into a hug.

Chris looked over at his father. The gruff man didn’t smile but form the look in his eyes Chris knew he was pleased. He patted Chris on his shoulder and said, “Good job.”

Good job was the highest level of praise any of his children had received. Senior was gruff and reserved. He grunted his approval and disapproval. The look in his eyes was the only way to tell the difference.

“Thank you, Father,” Chris said with a genuine smile.

“Come with me for a second,” Kit pulled him away and a corner. “This is great.”

“Thanks. I can’t believe it finally came together,” Chris looked around the community hall. It was the only new thing that he had built when he bought the majority of the houses on this street close to the beach. It was the same ground Nina got married on. It was poetic, tearing down the structure that was there before to build the community center. Although it was empty, the next day gym, sports, and art equipment would be moved in. This would be the residents’ activity center. It also housed a small medical clinic and therapy rooms.

“Are you excited to see this place open?” Kit asked.

“I am. I’m sure the people referred to this place will appreciate it. I’ll save you a room,” Chris teased.

“Right next to yours?” Kit shot him a questioning look.

“I’ve got it handled,” cleared his throat as he said.

“That’s what you told Jessica, hours before you lost it. I know that my PTSD and your anxiety attacks are different, but one similar thing is no amount of confidence will help you get well. You need treatment,” Kit explained.

“I am in treatment.”

“You stopped seeing your therapist. Duke told me,” Kit turned his guilty face away.

Chris wasn’t shocked, he was used to this level of invasion of privacy from his family. “My trip to London made me feel a lot better than the three years of therapy.”

“Why because of Jada?”

“Why else?”

Kit smiled as he looked past him. “Well then, get ready to get a whole lot better. Jada is here.”

Chris spun around so fast a dizzy spell hit him. He scattered a look around the room and still didn’t see her. Chris turned back to his brother and followed his gaze to curly hair piled on top of Jada’s hair like a crown. She moved around the room with the elegance of a gazelle. He held his breath drawn in by the light in her eyes and smile on her lips as she greeted his sister Kat.

Chris watched her for a while, not wanting to intrude on the perfect picture that she was. Her presence was like a comforting massage to an aching soul. Every muscle in his body tensed as he waited to look his way, but she never did. Jada turned around and headed for the exit. Chris grabbed a bouquet that was given to him by a guest during the ceremony and ran out of the room after her.

He quietly followed behind her, not making any noise to startle her. Jada walked down a path and passed her house. She stopped in front of it for a moment and stared. The house had changed. The three-bedroom had been turned into three studio rooms for privacy, each having its front door. Jada stood there for a while and with bated breath, Chris waited to see what her reaction would be. 

He waited in vain because Jada’s face was expressionless as she stared at the building she once called home. Without so much as a smile or a scowl, she turned away and headed for the beach. A little disappointed, Chris continued to follow. Jada took off her high heels and let her feet sink into the sand. Then he saw a content smile play on her face.

Seeing her there on the beach brought so many memories to mind, all of them beautiful. For a brief moment, he could see the innocence in Jada’s face. It was what drew him to her, she looked untouched by life’s viciousness, but Chris had been wrong. She had gone through more than he had and yet she still had substance. 

Jada was beautiful and his fingers begged to touch her, his arms to embrace and his heart to love her without feeling he was being selfish. When Jada turned to look at him, there was something in her gaze that offered protection. It was home, hearth and hearty embrace. She smiled at him and disbelief made his eyes go cloudy.

“Taking a walk down memory lane?” he asked.

“I don’t think I have the right shoes for it,” her gentle voice touched his heart and warmed his soul. Her eyes shone bright, there was no pain in them anymore.

***

The day before, Jada had sat in her apartment thinking about Chris’s event and her former home. She wanted nothing more than to go back to watch the tide shift, to feel the grainy sand under her bum and the cool water tickle her toes. Without saying a word to anyone she got on a flight to New York. She didn’t want anyone to influence her decision and didn’t want to second guess it. She was going to New York and accept whatever fate waited for her there.

The first thing she did when she arrived was to pass by her old home. When she looked at it, she didn’t recognize it. Not because of the changes Chris had made, but because it didn’t hold any familiarity or attachment to her any longer. Jada wondered if it ever did before. After her father died it had gone from being his prison to hers. 

Her next stop was the new community center. The number of cars parked in front of the building told Jada that Chris’s event was a success. Walking through the room, she took in all of his hard work. When she spotted him in a corner of the room, his back turned to her, as he spoke to Kit, her heart had skipped into her throat. She hid in the crowd when he began to turn around. No doubt Kit had pointed her out to him. When his gaze followed her through the room, it touched every single part of her body as if his hands were on her. Unable to handle the butterfly parade in her stomach that was now making her nauseous, she escaped the warm room for the cool night air. 

Jada heard his footsteps behind her. She deliberately took the path that would lead them past her old house. She stood there for a moment waiting for a hint of nostalgia to hit her, but nothing. She gave up on trying to conjure up any sort of connection with the house and went to the beach. She took her shoes off and let her toes sink into the sand. An overwhelming feeling of home washed over her. It didn’t surprise her. She spent more time with the ocean and the sand than she did with the people who were supposedly her family. 

Steeling her nerves, it was time for her to face her not so perfect dream man. Heat climbed up on her chest and to her cheeks as their gazes met. There was no denying the hunger in his eyes and the earnest in them as well. He missed her, she could tell. She looked into his eyes and everything she had wanted to find in that old house she found there. Home, nostalgia, and familiarity. The eyes were not the same ones she met almost four years ago, and they were not the once she got reintroduced to six weeks ago. The man that she had first met on the beach was still there, but he had evolved into something better, someone warmer and more beautiful.

Grief changed a man and Chris had changed for the better.

Somehow my heart feels safer when you hold it like you’re not the one that broke it.

“Taking a walk down memory lane?” he asked without a smile.

“I don’t think I have the right shoes for it,” Jada shot him a sideways glance trying to figure out what was going through his mind at that moment. “What about you?”

Chris looked at his feet and shrugged, “I could carry you.”

“Hmm,” Jada’s eyes fell to his hands. She knew how large they were, how soft and what they were capable of. Right now, keeping her distance was the best thing for both of them. 

“Are those for me?” She asked as she looked pointedly at the bouquet in his hand.

“Maybe,” he said. 

It still stunned her how the man could flirt without a single smile. His eyes did all the talking.

“How do you quantify love over lust?” She asked him as she took a step back, “How can you tell when one outweighs the other?” She sighed contently as cool water washed over her feet, “Is it need versus want?”

Jada looked down at her feet for a moment, and when she looked up again, Chris was right in front of her. His arm circled her waist and he pulled her body hard against his, “Need, wants, lust or love, why does it have to be one over the other.”

Chris released her waist and cupped her chin in one hand, his forefinger lazily grazing the soft spot beneath her jaw. She fought the desire to melt into his hand and the weakening in her limbs. Jada pulled away from him, his touch rattled her senses far too much. That as when he chose to smile, an unnerving curl of the lips. Little flames lit his eyes as he leaned into her and growled his mouth beside her ear, “Do something with me.”

“What something?” Jada hated how her voice and the rest of her body trembled beneath his intense stare. 

Chris picked out two flowers from the bouquet and handed them to her, then picked two for himself. He tossed the rest on the ground. He took off his shoes and let his feet soak in the ocean water. “Kit told me about this tradition that down in Hawaii.”

“What tradition?” She asked confused, but still turning to face the ocean just as Chris had done.

“It’s a ceremony to send off the loved ones you’ve lost,” the tone in his voice changed. 

“Loved ones, you mean-,” Jada didn’t finish, she couldn’t. The words were stuck in her throat and she expected them to start chocking her in a minute. 

“We didn’t grieve together, so I thought we could do this together as their parents.”

Jada’s stomach muscles clenched at the word parents. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.