Chapter 11: Loving You Has Consequences

Something that you are incapable of giving.

What am I going to do?

Chris sat at the bar of his favorite club, nursing his sixth drink. He swirled the golden liquid in the glass then threw it back, letting it burn its way down into his stomach. In a way, it set fire to the wounds Jada scorched into him with those two phrases. He said the first to him, as if pointing out of useless, incapable and irresponsible he was, and the second to Duke just to confirm her impression of him.

It had been almost a week since he last saw her. She was still at the hotel, that he knew and that was all he wished to know. His head felt like it was expanding with thoughts of her and the loud booming music did nothing to chase them away. He didn’t know what to do, how to start being a reliable partner and father.

“Shit!” Chris cursed under his breath as he swallowed the contents of his glass and filled it back up from the bottle. Here he was drinking his sorrows away and trying to quell his anger when he also agreed with every assumption that Jada had made about him.

What am I going to do?

Chris didn’t lack examples of great fathers; they were all around him. He just didn’t think that family life was for him. He liked being the flag in the wind, the rogue wolf who had his freedom and independence. He wasn’t ready to give that up yet.

“Hey!” A sultry voice called from behind him as light fingers tapped his shoulders.

Chris looked over his shoulder and saw a sexy girl, her brown eyes burned with intention, her gold bandage dress wrapped around her body like a tight hug, her long black hair fell over her breasts. As if on cue, she pushed her hair away allowing him a full view of her pushed up boobs. When his eyes met hers an air of erotic, sexual animal tension surrounded them both, thick and electric.

A stab of guilt brought him back from where his lust had taken him, and a thread of if only played in his mind.

If only she was curvier.

If only she was darker.

If only she was taller.

If only her hair was kinkier and pulled into a puff on top of her head.

If only she held innocence in her eyes.

If only she was her.

If only she was Jada.

“Hi, I’m Jada,” she held out her hand with a smile that reminded him so much of his Jada.

***

Three months later.

Christopher always took her breath away he was coolness personified, it didn’t matter if he was doing something good or bad. For the past three months, she had seen him roughly four times a week, He would come to the hotel, fuss around silently, doing his part with the pregnancy she assumed, then left. Other than that, he would text her at least ten times a day with the same two questions, are you okay or do you need anything? As odd as it was, Jada accepted his effort, this was his way. She did her best to understand him and slowly the anger that had raged within her when she first arrived in New York ad died down. Acceptance had brought peace and calm in her life and she was enjoying it.

Jada watched as Christopher moved around the room with the same ease a cloud would have in the sky. Duke’s wedding ceremony was intimate family and friends only. It was the reception that had a crush of people. Society’s who’s who was here, each one of them making Jada feel extremely misplaced. How was she supposed to make this her life?

Jada had wanted to stay home, she didn’t exactly feel beautiful with the swollen everything, at five months pregnant with twins she looked like a yellow blimp in a crowd of supermodels and money created beauty. A couple of millions in the bank could make anyone look past the receding hairlines and the overflowing bellies. But Duke had half asked and half ordered her to be there. She needed to be accustomed to her new life and meet the people who in one way or the other influenced the family business. 

Jada had been working in Duke’s office three days out of the week mostly to help Jessica. Her experience in Risk and Compliance had served her well, and she was now working as a consultant. Jada knew it was Duke’s way of offering her the independence that she craved. There were probably over a hundred people in New York who could do the job better, but according to Duke, being pregnant with the company future heirs made her more qualified, she understood the risk in an entirely deeper level. Jada rubbed her belly as one of the baby’s announced she was awake. Jada looked around wondering if she could ever get used to this lifestyle. 

“Are you okay?”

Jada forced back a yelp, as her heart lunged from being startled. She didn’t dare turn around. While Jada was examining the room Christopher had somehow made his way from across the ballroom to stand behind her without her noticing.

“Jada?” 

His deep voice rumbled through her head, the touch of his breath on her ear made her tremble and the smell of her cologne just about did her in. Jada was so grateful her morning sickness was behind her, or else she wouldn’t get the chance to appreciate just how good he smelled.

“Jada?” Chris gently held her elbow and turned her around. “Are you okay?”

“Overwhelmed, but-” The word fine got caught in her throat as the other baby woke up with a kick to Jada’s kidney’s.

Worry lines marred Christopher’s face as he hovered over her, his hand now lay over hers on her belly as the other went to her back. Before she could say anything, he led her to a table next to the garden doors and eased her into a chair.

“Would you like some water?”

Before she could answer Christopher quickly ordered some, before kneeling in front of her, his frowning brown taking away the nonchalant handsomeness she had come to know.

“I’m fine, I promise I’m okay,” she said with a feeble smile. If Jada’s pulse wasn’t thudding perilously in her throat she would have laughed. This was completely out of character for him. However, Jada always knew that there was more to Christopher than he let others see. She only wished that one day he would deem her worthy enough to get to know that insecure side of him that he hid for his safety. 

Christopher stroked her belly. His touch and the heat of his body drove her into a daze. “They are busy in there, aren’t they?”

“I guess they can sense all the excitement.”

Christopher’s smile his features even more. His palms rested on the swell of her belly as goosebumps rose to her skin as her stomach flip-flopped and her internal muscles clenched. A flood of moisture and familiar heat pooled between her legs. So many times, when Jada had this reaction towards Christopher, she always told herself that it was her hormones. But the attraction was followed by a thunderclap pain in her chest. Her heart broke each time she realized she was falling deeper in love with him and Christopher was not.

How could she not think about the man on the beach? As soon as she dived into the warmth of their memories together, she was catapulted to the hurried present and her daydreams fled.

“Chris,” Meredith’s forced sexy tone made Jada want to gag.

“What!” he demanded with a bitter twist to his mouth.

Jada took the satisfaction that Christopher didn’t want Meredith’s company. Not now anyway. Jada wasn’t dumb, she wasn’t naïve either. She knew that something was going on between Christopher, Meredith, and a bunch of other women. Christopher made a great effort of hiding his phone whenever they were together. There was no commitment between the two of them, but Jada couldn’t help but feel betrayed, especially when Christopher acted like he was afraid of getting caught cheating.

“My father would like a word,” Meredith pushed her chest forward and scowled at Jada. 

“He should be looking for Duke, not me. I don’t work at the company,” Christopher didn’t even spare her a glance. It irritated Meredith and made Jada want to gloat.

“He wants to speak about something else,” Meredith’s voice rose a little hire, as her irritation showed all over her body. Jada half expected her to throw a tantrum, throw herself to the ground and scream her head off.

“About what?” Christopher said more forcefully.

“I don’t know, your father is there with him.”

At the mention of his father, Christopher gave up his resolve. Jada gazed into his intense eyes fringed with dark lashes and saw regret, sadness, and maybe defeat. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move from here.” He squeezed her hand before rising to his feet and following Meredith. Before long he disappeared in the throng of people and the loneliness was back at Jada’s side.

“Hey Mama,” Jessica appeared just as she was about to surrender herself to the darkness. “How are you feeling?”

“You’re here,” Jada pointed out surprised. Jessica and Jada had become fast friends. She knew how deeply in love Jessica was with Duke. It was something they shared, the unrequited love for the Henry brothers. But unlike Jessica, Jada didn’t think she could ever watch Christopher marry another woman. It would kill her.

“Nothing says give up on my fantasy like watching the man you love say I do to another woman. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Duke so emotional,” Jessica picked two glasses of champagne from a floating tray and downed them both quickly as if needing the alcohol to numb the pain. “One more month and I will be far away from all of this.”

“I’m sad I won’t be able to see you every day,” Jada admitted.

“Me too.”

***

Christopher was getting furious with each second Meredith clung to his jacket sleeve, trying to use her tears to blackmail him. Whenever Chris took a lover, he always laid his cards on the table. He made sure to never act in a way that would make the woman think that they were in a relationship. However, getting involved with Meredith was a misstep. She had used his father’s name to pull him away to Jada, drag him to the gardens, and demand a commitment. Chris had laughed at her, and she started to cry.

“You are a special brand of asshole,” Danny said as she and Kit walked in on the spectacle. 

“Well, I strive to be unique in all matters,” Chris responded with a sly grin.

As sudden as his gaze had landed on his brother’s he looked away. He felt ashamed for the first time in his life. The good news was Kit and Danny’s appearance had shamed Meredith to silence. 

“Did I ever promise you anything?” Chris directed his line of questioning to Meredith.

“No,” she mumbled. “But-,”

“No buts. You and I are done,” Chris said in the fiercest tone he could muster. Meredith turned around and fled. 

“You must be so proud,” Danny did nothing to hide her sarcasm or her disgust for him. It was warranted, so Christopher let the steel of her tongue slice through him.

“There was a time your brother littered the streets of New York with broken hearts,” Chris said.

“Yes, and then he grew up.”

“I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of,” Chris pointed out.

“Really?” Danny’s dark eyebrows slanted together, echoing the frown on his lips. 

“Well, apart from what I did to you and Kit. I honestly apologize for that. Take it as sibling rivalry thrown into the deep end,” Christopher was sincere in his apology but his pride wouldn’t let him grovel.

“I guess that’s the best will get out of you,” Danny scoffed then walked away.

“What are you doing?” Kit asked.

“I am apologizing to your wife,” Chris answered.

“No, I mean with Meredith and God knows how many other women there are.”

“That’s none of your business,” Chris said defensively.

“Chris, your superpower is self-sabotage. Jada is a God sent. The babies are a fresh start. How are you supposed to focus on your family and the responsibilities of being a partner and a father if you have your head under every skirt in the city?”

Kit’s questions hit home in a way Chris didn’t like. He didn’t have an answer for it, because he didn’t know any different. This was his way of living, and it never occurred to him that he would have to change just because of responsibilities.

“Chris, you need to get out of your own way,” Kit said with a shake of his head then left to join his wife.

Panic was slowly clawing at Chris’s chest. Everything in his life seemed to take care of itself. He half expected it to be the same when it came to his children and Jada, but Kit made it seem like the responsibility would rest solely on his shoulders. Immediately he felt a weight on him that he had never experienced before. He didn’t like it and wanted to shake it off. Just then Jada walked past him, her round belly peeked through her loose off-shoulder dress. The gown was meant to hide her body but through his memory, Chris could see what lay beneath the yellow fabric. 

The slim waist that had captivated him when he first saw her at the beach had disappeared under a layer of flesh that now cradled his children. His children. Jada was his, but his what?

Chris followed behind Jada and Jessica and caught some of their conversations.

“I envy the sisters-in-law of this family. Their husbands are so attentive and present,” Jada said.

“Chris seemed like he was attentive earlier on,” Jessica said earning a smile from Chris.

“They do it because of love and responsibility, Chris does it because of guilt,” Jada said robbing the smile off Chris’s face. “I see Duke with Rayne and how gentle he is with her and how he hangs onto every word she says, which is obviously out of character for him. Reno and Lisette and how their squabbles in just a show of their love, DJ with Evie and his kids, and how the fear of losing them makes them even more precious in DJ’s eyes. Catalella and Ethan are the definitions of a power couple, their partnership extends their parenting and their marriage. It’s just the two of them against the world. AJ and Kat act like they are still dating and not like a married couple with kids. Their love is just so young and fresh because they make the effort to fall in love with each other every day.”

“You’ve got everyone figured out,” Jessica teased.

“I’m an analyst, what do you expect,” Jada laughed.

“What about Danny and Kit?” Jessica asked.

“A series of missed chances, that’s how I would describe their relationship. Because of that each day, moment, and memory they create with each other is so valuable.”

“I might regret this, but analyze me next,” Jessica offered.

Jada sighed, her face an expression to say she was sorry before she said, “You’ve been too busy living in the ‘what could have been world,’ that you forgot to let yourself live outside Duke’s shadow.”

“Ouch!” Jessica drew out an imaginary dagger and stabbed herself in the chest. “The only way I would feel better if you give me a summary of you and Chris.”

“Misery loves company doesn’t it,” Jada smiled beside herself. It was then that Chris realized that the last time he had seen her genuinely smile was their nights at the beach. 

“Ok,” Jada began. “Chris has an inferiority complex, much like my own. But the only difference is I don’t manipulate people to make myself feel superior.”

Chris bit back the wince of pain that threatened to escape through his lips. Chris had finally put his finger on it. For the longest time ever since they met, he had wondered what he didn’t like about her, what it was that made him hide from her. It was the way that she looked at him. Jada made him feel exposed, bare, and vulnerable. Her eyes often searched him, looking deep into his soul, demanding the secrets that Chris kept there.

Chris wasn’t willing to let her see his insecurities. How small he felt standing next to his brother, that the only way to make himself feel worthy was to destroy everything Kit had. Jada’s gaze roved insolently over his, penetrating him layer by layer and palpitations gripped his heart.

“Two peas in a pod, huh?” Jessica said.

“The imperfect match.”

“Ever thought of leaving that pod?”

“I’ve never been good at being brave on my own,” Jada admitted.

Chris heard the tears that she was holding back, laced in each word, each pause, and each breath as she spoke and it shattered his world. Something hot and unexpected pushed behind his eyes and he pushed back forcing the heat to retreat. Jada’s hands went to her belly, cradling the lives within her. Out of the blue, she said something that he didn’t expect, and from the look on her face, neither did Jessica.

“Even though there are times I don’t love me and he doesn’t love me, they will love me. So, it’s okay to be unwanted, to embrace that sense of worthlessness, and turn it into something I can live with, again, I guess. Once, he made me feel wanted, made me felt like I was enough for me, at least, even for a while. I’ve lived like this my whole life and I will live like this for the rest of it. Or at least until the twins are born. Maybe they will show me that God hadn’t given up on me, that I’m not a lost cause. That I will one day learn the meaning of happiness, of fulfillment. I’ll be worthy, someday or one day. Hopefully soon.”

The loneliness that Jada had been trying to escape swam in her eyes. The stunning deep colors held a truth that her face could not hide any longer. Chris looked away as the despairing chill that made him feel heartbroken grew too much to bear.

"What do you want Jada? What do you want from Chris and yourself?" Jessica asked.

Chris took a step closer, more than ever he wanted to know what she would say.

"I want someone who will make me feel as safe as my father did when he was alive. I want to be loved and protected and I want to be that person that is loved and protected."

She said someone not Christopher.

***

I want someone who…

That phrase played over and over in Chris’s head as he drove Jada back to her hotel. He couldn’t figure out which one was worse, as they got on the elevator he wondered if something that you are incapable of giving was worse. As they walked into the room and he was left on his own in the living room he finally realized which statement hurt him the most. All three of them showed the lack of confidence that Jada had in him, but it was when Jada looked past him and straight at Duke to ask what am I going to do that hurt the most. 

Jada emerged from the bedroom dressed in sweats and an oversized hoodie. Her expression told Chris that she was surprised that he was still here, well he was about to shock her even more.

“What did you mean that night, when you looked right past me and asked my brother ‘What am I going to do’?” Chris’s nerves began to the jungle as he instantly regretted asking her that question. He had this need to resolve what was between them, but he realized that it might be better not to know the truth at all. Everything that she had said to Jessica at the wedding reception was still weighing down his chest, he wasn’t sure he was ready for more.

“I understand that having Superman for a big brother and Batman for a twin is not easy especially since you are determined to be the Joker, but you have to realize that being the Joker is what you wanted.” Jada’s tone was so matter-of-fact and her expression told Chris not to expect any sympathy.

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Duke is reliable.”

“And I am not?”

“Self-awareness is a good trait to have,” she mumbled. Jada lowered her round body into the sofa, moved a few pillows around before she found a comfortable spot. “What is the one thing you have been solely responsible for?”

Chris didn’t even attempt to think of something, because the answer was obvious to everyone around him and most especially himself. But what didn’t escape Chris was the word responsible it as the second time he heard it that day and immediately his shoulder slumped down.

“All my life, I’ve had responsibilities. At home and work, I’ve had things and people to take care of-,”

“Except yourself,” Chris cut her off. That petty side of him needed to show her that he wasn’t the only one who was flawed.

“True,” she accepted unfazed. “For once I want someone to take care of me. Is that so bad?”

“My brother has a wife and his children,” Chris pointed out. 

“It’s okay for me to be a little selfish, besides I’m not asking for much. What he has already given me is enough, a place to stay, and a job.”

“That makes him better than me, right?”

“Why do you feel the need to compare yourself to your brothers?” Chris was just about to answer when she raised her hand to silence him. “I don’t want to know. They’ll be excuses you’ve made up in your head to excuse your behavior. What I want to know is what would make you feel better and more responsible for yourself?”

Chris fell silent against her one black brow that was raised in inquiry. He ignored the question and instead asked his own, “Do I make you feel unwanted?”

“Do you love me?”

What was he supposed to say? Chris didn’t know what love was, let alone how to love. So, what was he supposed to say?

“At this rate, we’ll go on and on asking each other questions that don’t have answers.” Chris shifted his head side to side popping the muscles in his neck as they suddenly began to tighten from the stress.

“What do you want out of this thing that we are doing here?”

This thing that we are doing.

She had a talent of stringing words together that sank him deeper into the abyss that held his insecurities. Knowing that Jada was just as unsure of what they were as two individuals together annoyed him. It wasn’t just her or him, it was the whole situation. They were about to become parents and were yet to have a definition for this thing that we are doing.

“What do you want?”

Jada scoffed amused when he turned the question on her, but she had something to say.

“When I found out I was pregnant, I was relieved. Not because I wanted a child, or I was made for motherhood, but because I knew that I would have someone for the rest of my life. I am wanting to be selfish, and I keep thinking that this selfishness will keep me from being a good mom. What happens when one day I don’t want them or they don’t want me? I am I going to regret seeing this pregnancy through,” she took in a long breath. The pressure from the baby and her long run of words leaving her winded. “What I went through with my mother made me insecure in so many ways. I made plans with my life and each one of them fell through. Then I met you and everything that I found attractive about the ocean has turned against me.”

“What are you saying?”

“I am saying that this is where I am and I do not know where to go from here.”