In love

Silvia Point of View

Katy and Andi offered to stay with me after dropping me off at home from our girls' night out, but I didn't want them to see me in my misery, so I sent them home and went to bed. The next morning, I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck, but I couldn't be sure if it was from the hangover or from the heartache and anger over what happened with Gerard.

I managed to get out of bed and into the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw. I was a mess, and it wasn't just because of my dull eyes, my dark circles, and my hair. My eyes were dull because it was as if someone had taken the light out of them. Another small flash of anger ignited inside me, but not enough to push me out into the world. No, I would have to wallow in my misery a little more.

I headed to the living room, where I saw my makeshift study in the corner. For a moment I looked at it, waiting for inspiration to strike, but there was nothing. I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. With my steaming mug in hand, I returned to the living room and looked back at my study. The paint and the canvases were there mocking me. Unable to bear it, I left the coffee on the table and went to the closet for a sheet. I gathered all my art supplies in a corner and covered it all up, cursing Gerard Hush for killing my passion and stealing my dream.

When there was a knock on my door, I knew it wouldn't be Gerard and I assumed it was probably Katy checking on him. When I opened the door, Katy was holding a bag from the bakery.

"I brought cake.

I opened the door to let her in.

"You don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine. -Sometime.

"I know." She headed to the kitchen. "I smell coffee. Can I have some?"

"It has caffeine. Isn't it bad for the baby? “

She frowned.

"I'll have some tea."

A few minutes later, we were sitting at my dining room table eating pancakes and drinking coffee and tea, respectively.

“Ronny and I feel terrible for putting you in this situation,” she said, dipping her tea bag in the hot water. I looked at her.

"It's not your fault. It's Gerard's fault."

Maybe that wasn't exactly true. He didn't publish the newspaper and magazine articles any more than I did. But still, it seemed more accurate to blame him.

"I know you've quit your job, and most likely don't want to come back, but Ronny says we can find something else for you, if you want."

"I didn't even want to do this first job. Now you know.

Was she really going to insist that I get a job again? Granted, I couldn't depend on her and Ronny to support me, but I could find my own job.

"We just want to help make this right. Do you have any plans? Katy asked.

"Well, it's only been a day. So no, I haven't made any plans yet.

Katy reached out and put her hand on my forearm.

"I'm sorry I sound like a mother. I just want to make sure everything is going to be okay.

I nodded, letting her know that she understood.

"Turns out I'm actually pretty good at this marketing thing, unless Gerard was lying about it. So I'm thinking of looking at some sites as a freelancer. Maybe I can start my own business.

Katy's gaze went to my sheet-covered art studio.

"What happens with your art?

I looked down at my cup of coffee.

"Hopefully, the desire will arise again, but right now I can't.

"I'm very sorry, Silvia.

At that moment, I couldn't help but cry. While I cried, she pulled her chair closer and hugged me. I didn't always like her being like a mother hen, but right now, it was nice to know she was there.

When she left for work, I spent some time on the Internet looking for opportunities to make some money on the side until she figured out what she was going to do. I found a freelancing website, signed up and started filling out the profile, but eventually my energy ran out. I saved the profile and went back to bed.

When I woke up, I looked at the clock and discovered that it was mid-afternoon. It took me a minute to reorient my life, but then it all came flooding back to me, crushing me again. This time, when I got up, I was determined to keep going. I showered, got dressed and rearranged the furniture a bit. I created a makeshift office and finished my online profile. Once everything was finalized, I did some research on the current job openings and was discouraged by how boring most of them seemed, but I went ahead and submitted my profile for consideration. After all, beggars can't choose.

I considered leaving the house to go for a walk. Just as I was grabbing my bag to leave, there was a knock on my door. Checking my watch, it seemed a little early for Katy to show up again, but I knew she was worried.

I walked over and opened the door, and saw Gerard standing there. Anger erupted like a volcano, but instead of slapping him in the face, I simply slammed the door in his face.

I came back in the apartment, wondering what it meant that he was there. Had Ronny sent him to apologize and beg me to come back? That wasn't going to happen and Katy should have told him it wasn't going to happen.

"I have come to apologize. "Gerard's voice came to me through the door. After a slight pause, he added: "And to drag myself."

Creep? Now that was something he wanted to see.

I went back to the door and opened it just enough to see him. I was surprised to find him leaning against the door frame.

“I'm listening,” I said, determined not to get carried away by anything he said.

"I'm an idiot.

"You won't get any argument from me." I started to close the door. His hand went up, pressing against the door to prevent me from closing it in his face again.

"Please give me a chance to talk to you. I know I'm not doing very well. Give me a few minutes to vent and then if you want me to leave, I will.

I wished my determination was stronger than my heart's desire, because my determination wanted to say no and close the door, but my heart made me open it and let him in. I didn't offer him anything to drink or eat. I walked over to my couch and sat down.

He came in and looked at my apartment; His eyes stopped at my sheet-covered study. A look of embarrassment appeared on his face, and that made me feel a little better.

He walked over to my couch and the coffee table and started walking.

"I'm sorry." He stopped walking and turned to look at me. "I'm sorry. "He said again. "I know that this media shit is not your fault. I know my behavior is too reprehensible to forgive, so I won't even bother asking for your forgiveness. But I did want to let you know that I am truly sorry and ashamed of how I treated you."

I studied his face carefully to see the truth of his words. I saw it in his eyes. He meant it, and although that eased some of the anger that was constricting my chest, it didn't make me completely let down my guard.

I knew it was time for both of us to go our own ways, and the only way either of us could truly free ourselves from the other would be to forgive him.

"I forgive you, Gerard. And now, we can both move on with our lives.

She hoped his face would express relief and he would leave. Instead, he seemed more desperate.

"Can I tell you a story? "He asked.

"Will you help us close this whole matter?

"Yeah. Maybe. " He looked down". I don't know, but I'd like to tell you anyway, if I can."

"Sure, okay. "It seemed strange to me that I was the one who had to help him alleviate his guilt and his pain, when I had been his victim. But if this was what he had to go through to get him to walk out my door, I would listen to him.

He paced again for a minute and then he surprised me by walking over to me and sitting at the coffee table right in front of me. He was too close, so I lay down on the couch.

"I was in love once. Or so I thought. "I raised an eyebrow, surprised by this confession". I met her my first year of college and she was what you would expect; She was tall, beautiful, she could have been a model, if she had wanted to.

I smiled, and was about to tell him that hearing about his beautiful model girlfriend wasn't exactly the kind of thing that was going to make me think better of him, but he looked down and ran his hand over his face, indicating that, whatever. Whatever was going to happen in the story, it was not easy for him to tell it.

"Actually, I haven't told anyone about this. As he said, I was pretty sure he loved her and she loved me too, so when our senior year came to an end, and we'd been seeing each other for almost two years, I thought we should get married. My other eyebrow arched, as the idea of Gerard getting married didn't fit with what I knew about him. "I bought the biggest ring my trust fund would allow me to spend and arranged to move us into a very nice apartment on the beach, as well as buying him a car…"

"Did you do all that just to propose to her?”

He shrugged and a blush appeared on his cheeks.

"I wanted her to say yes.”

"It doesn't seem like you were sure you loved her, or that she loved you.”

He rubbed his hands on his thighs.

"You're getting ahead of history”.

"I'm sorry. "I realized at that moment that this was a story of heartbreak. Gerard was being as vulnerable as he had ever seen him. Perhaps, this was the time he was most vulnerable, except, perhaps, when he asked this woman to marry him. Once again, my heart began to soften.

"So I made the proposal and she said yes.”

"Did she say yes? " I thought this was going to be a heartbreak story.

"She said yes, and at that moment I thought she couldn't be happier. We moved forward with graduation while planning the wedding and a future together. " I shifted uncomfortably in my seat because I didn't like that there was a woman who made Gerard the happiest man.