Chapter 26
There was no time to really speak privately in the hours that followed, for there was the investigation from the Runners, along with the removal of the dead bodies. When all questions had been exhausted, Lord and Lady Kressley were finally alone.
Now, as Colin followed her up the stairs, insistent she needed to rest, he brooded over the outcome. He had promised her Stefan would never touch her again, but the man had kidnapped her under his nose.
In his hubris, he had refused to listen to Maddy’s words that Stefan wouldn’t fight fairly. He’d applied them in a strictly logistical fashion, assuming the man would cheat at dueling. It had never occurred to him that Stefan would take advantage of his absence, sacrifice his own honor, and not bother to show up for the duel all so he could steal Maddy away. If she had not been so adept at defending herself, there was no telling what the man would’ve done to her.
For a moment, he wished Stefan were still alive so he could kill him again. He was slightly angered that he had lost the pleasure of doing so, but he also recognized that of the two of them, Maddy had far more right to claim Stefan’s life in payment for the harshness he had done her.
When they reached their room, he turned to Glynnis, who had followed quietly. “Arrange a bath for Lady Kressley in one hour.”
She curtsied. “Yes, Lord Kressley.” Then she disappeared, leaving the room quietly.
He waited until she was gone, the door closed firmly behind her, before he faced Maddy, who was stripping off her bloodied night-rail. She’d had no chance to change, and he realized he should’ve insisted that the Runners at least let him send for clothing for her. It was one of many thoughtless things he had done to her, and he was replaying them all in his head now as he moved closer. “I am sorry. I failed you, and I did not live up to my promise.”
She turned to face him, looking surprised. “What promise?”
“I promised he would never have a chance to touch you again. I underestimated his sneaking ways, though you did warn me.”
“Even I did not expect him to avoid showing up at the duel. It was quite ingenious of him, I suppose, but he had to sacrifice his honor to do it.” She snorted then. “Not that he ever had any honor. It was all a pretense. He was pathetic and weak. I wonder now how I could have been afraid of him for so long.”
“You were just a child when he started terrorizing you,” he said softly, reminding her of that as he came closer. He didn’t feel like he had the right, but he couldn’t hold back from putting his hands around her biceps, holding her back against his chest for a moment. “No wonder you were frightened.”
She nodded. “I see that too, but I also see what he was now.”
“You must see how like him I am,” said Colin, attempting to be forthright. It was a shattering realization, but he had far more in common with her disgusting stepbrother than he would’ve ever realized or admitted before realizing how close he’d come to losing her.
She turned to face him then, and her expression was surprisingly gentle. “There is a difference.”
He frowned. “I fail to see it at the moment. He kidnapped you this morning with the intent of imposing his will upon you. I did the very same myself not a few weeks ago. He was driven to own and possess you, and I could not imagine continuing on without you. I could not even get hard for another woman who wasn’t you, and you seem to be completely essential to my happiness. I was incapable of looking at your own.”
She stroked a hand down his chest, and it was a soothing, gentle gesture of which he was unworthy. He tried to pull away, but she surprised him by grasping a handful of his waistcoat, preventing him from moving back. “Do not pull away from me. If you do, we will lose any progress we have made. We are married, and it is up to us to make the marriage a success.”
He closed his eyes, struggling to do the right thing. “I should offer you an annulment. I should make this your choice.”
“I did not ask for that choice.” She straightened her shoulders. “I chose to marry you.”
He snorted. “Because you had no better option. It was practically no choice at all, and my mother was right. You can never love me if you cannot choose to stay or walk away.”
“I have a feeling your mother is wise in many ways, but she is wrong about that.”
He frowned down at her in confusion. “What?”
Her palms cupped his cheeks as she looked up at him. “I do love you, Colin. You will have to work on improvements, for I will not be controlled and owned like a possession, but I have fallen in love with you. I see much in you that makes me believe you can be redeemed quite well.”
“When you said it earlier, I thought it was just to torture Hearthstone.” He made the admission in a grudging fashion as he looked away from her, unable to bear the gentle acceptance in her gaze. He didn’t deserve it. “I dared not believe its sincerity then.”
“And now?” she asked in a tone that had a hint of cajolement. “Do you disbelieve me when I tell you now to your face that I love you, Colin?”
He was unable to avoid looking at her. It was like a compulsion drawing him back, and their gazes locked. He couldn’t doubt the sincerity he saw in her gaze, but all it did was fill him with guilt. “I do not deserve your love or understanding. I must give you the choice. I have no doubt it will rip out my heart, but if you want to have the marriage annulled, I believe it would be a simple matter, since it was done in Scotland, and without your guardian’s permission.”
“How many ways are there for me to tell you I do not want that? I am choosing you, and I am choosing our future together. It will not be an easy capitulation on my part, for I have given you my terms. You must make significant progress, for we must have a healthy love between us if we are to flourish in it. I expect you to bring your mother here and get to know her as well. I am afraid you have been misled by your father, and you helped prolong her suffering. You must make amends for that.”
He closed his eyes, feeling nearly overwhelmed with grief as the weight of his wrongs piled atop him. “I do not deserve happiness after what I have done to you and have perpetuated against my mother.”
“Someone smart and kind told me recently that forgiveness takes great strength. I suspect it takes even more strength to forgive yourself. I know you are capable of that kind of strength, Colin, and it is something you must work on as well. Understand the conditions I impose are not to control or punish you for what has gone behind us. I simply want to ensure we have a strong future, so those are my terms. If you accept them, I choose to stay with you without any reservation or hesitation.”
It would be easier to let her go, at least from a standpoint of contemplating having to forgive himself for everything he had done. He wasn’t certain he was capable of being that strong, despite her seemingly unwavering faith in his ability to do so. She asked so much of him, but he loved her so much that he could scarcely contemplate the idea of refusing anything she required.
The things she was asking for would only strengthen their bond and improve him as a person, so though it would be the most difficult undertaking of his life, how could he refuse her requests? “I agree to everything. I still feel I do not deserve a second chance or your forgiveness, and I am uncertain at this moment how I can forgive myself, but I want to try. I want to make the necessary changes to ensure your happiness.”
She sighed, looking slightly disappointed. “This is about our happiness, Colin.” Her hands squeezed lightly on his cheeks for a moment, as though she was relaying her frustration. “I do not want you to undertake these changes just because you think it will make me happy. I want you to do them because it will make you happy as well.
“I want you to love me the way I love you, with a soul-deep need that makes you an integral part of my life. I do not want you to be eaten up with a negative emotion like obsession. I do not want you to be reduced to nothing if something happened to me. I want us to love as equals. We have to love each other, and we have to love ourselves. I am certain I am asking a lot from you, but I do not ask what I do not think you can give.”
He closed his eyes as his arms enfolded her, pulling her tightly against him. “I will give it my all, I promise you.” Though he felt unworthy of the chance she offered, his heart was unable to imagine releasing her.
He would undertake any task to prove to her she wasn’t making a mistake staying with him, and he would ensure she had no regrets about offering him her heart. It would require dismantling years of lies, along with taking an unflinching look at his own actions, beliefs, and history, but it was all worth it for Maddy.