If you need me, I'll be there
''I should go to bed.''
Mom sobs.
''I want to be alone.''
She pulls away from me and stands up, hesitantly.
''Do you want a shower?''
She doesn't answer me and I follow her into her room, but I don't set foot in the door when she closes it in my face. I rest my forehead against the cold wood. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought... maybe I shouldn't have come home.
I turn down the hall and walk into my old room. I turn on the light. It's exactly as I remember it: the white double bed with pink sheets, the white dresser, and a large brown bookshelf. It's not much, but it looks familiar. I turn off the light, using the light filtering in from the street to guide me. I pull my phone out of my pocket, take off my pants and remove my shirt. Fresh, clean sheets greet me as I slip between them. This may be my room, but it smells strongly of this house, which smells like mom and dad, I don't know, I can't explain the smell. It's a smell that is unique to the house. It smells like home. Through blurry eyes, I unlock my phone and see that I have a text message from Jake.
FROM: JAKE. TIME: 12:36 AM
I miss you...
I called him. I know he needs to sleep and I know I talked to him a few hours ago, but I need to hear his voice. My heart sends a rapid pulse around my body when I hear his hoarse voice respond.
''San?''
''Hey.''
I twirl a lock of my hair around my index finger.
''How'd it go?''
There's the question I was hoping to avoid. Then again, if that were true, I wouldn't have called him. I can't tell him. I still can't talk about it. Watching Mom lose control and break down killed me. When I picture it in my mind, my heart breaks again. I inhale shakily, not realizing I've started to cry. Jake doesn't say anything else, just listens.
''How did you do it?''
I ask in a shaky voice.
''How did you manage to see your mom so broken?''
I hear him exhale a sigh.
''I didn't. I left, I let her take care of everything on her own.''
''But you...''
''I take care of it now, but I couldn't at first. It was too hard for me. I guess that's why I feel responsible for her...''
I let his words sink in. Jake blames himself for his mother's alcohol addiction because he wasn't there to support her when she needed it. Maybe it's a good idea to go home after all. Would she have kept cooking if I hadn't? The thought terrifies me.
''How was your mom when you got home?''
He asks me.
I shudder, imagining her eerily happy smile.
''I can't even... You wouldn't believe me if I told you.''
''Try me.''
I rack my brain trying to think of a way to describe what happened. It was crazy. Chaotic. Heart breaking.
''She was happy...and I was so mad, but when I walked in, into the kitchen, it was filled with all of dad's favorite foods and.... then she completely lost control.''
I swallow a sob.
''I can't...''
''People have a different way of coping. If he's expressing emotion, it's a good sign.''
I nod even though he can't see me.
''I miss you already. It's crazy.''
He says with a small laugh. His voice is low as if he's embarrassed and my heart swells.
''I miss you too. I shouldn't keep you awake...''
I can hear the smile on his lips.
''This isn't the first time you've kept me up at night alone in my bed.''
His words make my stomach churn.
''And me thinking I'm the only weird one who stays up at night thinking about you.''
He laughs.
''I definitely don't.''
My eyelids grow heavy as I snuggle lower in my bed.
''When am I going to see you again?''
''Tonight. Tomorrow. I told you, if you need me I'll be there.''
''I mean after you've done everything you need to do. If everything goes according to plan, when will I see you again?''
''In ten days. I'm in Denver for two more days and then I'm going to Las Vegas to fight Donny.''
''Are you nervous?''
He laughs out loud and I have to pull the phone away from my ear.
''No way. I'm going to break it.''
I half laugh, half yawn.
''Good.''
''Are you going to see me?''
I don't know... There's nothing forcing me to watch this time, but I know it would mean a lot to Jake, and to Dad, if I do.
''Sure, I'll watch it. I won't enjoy it, but I'll watch it.''
I hear him smile again.
''You don't have to play that game anymore, I know you like watching me fight.''
- Watching you burst into a ring half naked and watching you beat someone with your fists are two completely different things. I like the former, not the latter.
Your sleepy laugh makes me smile.
''I should go... I don't know what to expect tomorrow, but it probably has something to do with funeral plans. I love you.''
''I love you too and remember if you need me, for anything, call me.''
I assure you I will call you if I need you and we say goodbye. As soon as I hang up and feel comfortable, I fall asleep, dreading tomorrow.
I put on the long, black dress Mom bought me for the funeral. It clings tightly to my curves and I feel strange wearing something like this for my own dad's funeral. It's nothing flashy or over the top. It doesn't expose my cleavage or show too much of my back, but it's too clingy, showing off the shape of my body and the curve of my butt. Mom wanted Dad to have a fancy, black-tie evening funeral in a beautiful ceremony at the cemetery overlooking the harbor. Apparently, Mom and Dad used to have picnics under the little oak tree, which is now a big oak tree. How they could stand to eat in a cemetery is beyond me. I straighten my hair and wear it so I can use it as a curtain if necessary.
I hook two pearl earrings and hear a knock at the door. I leave my room, but Mom runs down the hall before I do. Who are we waiting for on a day like today?
I hear her voice, deep and rough. My body is not stupid. She stands up, recognizing the voice immediately. I march down the hallway and see his beautiful body standing in front of me in a casual, all-black suit. Darryl and Jackson's faces smile at me from behind Jake. Jake's eyes look at me, he obviously likes my dress and if Jake likes it, this is definitely not something I should wear to a funeral.
''What are you doing here?''
I say, almost out of breath.