Chapter 90: I really screwed up

''Ask your mom.''

She smiles sweetly at me.

''I invited them. I know how important they were to your father. Everyone he loved should be here today.''

My eyes fill with tears and I run to her, pressing her against me. The fact that she did something so selfless on a day like today means more to me than anything else, and today is going to go so much better because of it. I turn to Jake, wiping my eyes carefully so as not to smudge my makeup.

''You're supposed to be in Vegas.''

He shrugs.

''I'll go tomorrow.''

I hold out my arms and he comes toward me. I wrap my arms around his waist. I haven't heard his voice since the night we talked on the phone. Every time he calls, I miss him and every time I call, he doesn't answer. It's exhausting, but he's here now and my day has improved infinitely.

Jackson and Darryl hand Mom and me a bouquet of flowers. Blue, red, yellow, yellow, pink and orange ones intertwine beautifully in their green wrapping. Mom drops them into vases and places them around the house.

Jackson and Darryl sit on the couch and converse quietly while I sit on the arm of Dad's couch, leaning into Jake. His thumb glides over my thigh in small circles and I close my eyes taking in his every touch. Another knock on the door forces my eyes open.

''How many other people did you call?''

I ask Mom as she runs to the door. When it opens, I can't believe it.

''You made it!''

I scream, jumping off the couch. Mom squeezes it and I wait in line impatiently. It's been too long since I've seen my brother, too long. He looks exactly as I remember him, shaved dark hair, big bright green eyes and still much taller than me.

He draws me to him and I almost cry. Seeing him brings back the shock of our father's death. He is so happy to see us, but he has the same sadness in his eyes as Mom and me.

''I've missed you so much.''

He moans, squeezing me until I'm sure I've run out of breath. Darryl, Jake and Jackson stand up when my brother comes in to greet them. Richard meets people all the time, so making conversation and being friendly comes easy to him. Darryl and Jackson go back to sitting and talking on the couch, but my brother stays to chat with Jake.

I walk over to them, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation. When I get within earshot, my brother excuses himself to go get dressed in his room. I open my mouth to ask Jake what he thought of my brother, but Mom's entrance into the room with a large tray of snacks caught my attention.

''Mom, we leave in fifteen minutes. That's a little excessive.''

She laughs and it's a genuine laugh that warms my ears.

''The boys will take care of that, won't they?''

Jackson and Darryl sit forward, licking their lips at the sliced fruit, chips and dressing. Having a full house makes Mom happy, which makes me happy. She loves to be busy and if it makes today easier for her, the more the better.

''We contemplate James Williams' final resting place.''

Mom leans on my brother's shoulder, crying, as they lower my dad to the ground. My eyes are puffy and burning from all the makeup I'm wearing. I feel so stupid for wearing makeup. Of course I was going to cry, what the hell was I thinking? Jake holds my hand in his and his thumb brushes the top of it gently. I look up at him. The surrounding fire torches send flickering lights across his face. He has a sad expression and I know my father's death affects him more than he knows. Along with Jake and I, Jackson comforts Olivia, who decided to show up today in a pair of black pants, a black t-shirt and a beautiful knee-length cardigan. It looks dressy, but casual and I wish Mom would buy me something more comfortable. This dress is so thin I can feel the cool breeze hitting my body. I might as well be naked. When I look back at the casket and realize for the millionth time that my dad, who I saw a few days ago, is in there without a heartbeat; the tears begin to flow. I lean against Jake's side as silent tears stream down my face and he drapes an arm over my shoulder. Once my father is on the ground, the MC asks us to throw a handful of dirt on him and say our goodbyes. One by one we throw handfuls of dirt and cry and talk to him. I watch this kind of thing on TV and it always makes me uncomfortable when people talk to a casket or a headstone.

I never really understood the purpose of this, until now.

''I love you.''

I cry, sprinkling the dirt in the black box.

''I will come visit you all the time, I promise.''

I stand up to let the next person say goodbye. I look for mom, she's surrounded by loved ones and family, thankfully they've already expressed their condolences and I have no more left to hear. Finalizing Dad's death sucks. The whole thing is a huge, exhausting process that offers no privacy...but it does offer closure and that's better, I guess.

I step away for a bit to catch my breath and decide where to go from here. I can't go back to my apartment and leave Mom alone. In a few weeks I won't be able to pay for my apartment and what about Dad's gym? There's still light, water and everything else to pay for every few months. I can't afford it. Mom will be forced to look for work, but no one will hire her. She hasn't worked in over thirty years, not exactly a plus. I exhale and sit on the lawn, watching the beautiful evening ceremony on behalf of my father.

''Can I sit down?''

David's voice startles me. I didn't even see him approach me.

David showed up at the beginning of the ceremony. Fair enough, I guess. He'd known my dad for a long time.

''He did.''

He sits down next to me and the distinct smell of vodka seeps through my nostrils. He hands me the bottle in his hand and I take it, swallowing a big mouthful. I grit my teeth and make a strange noise at the base of my throat. David laughs.

''You could never handle your alcohol.''

I laugh once.

''It's okay, you drank enough for the both of us.''

His dimples fade along with his smile and he averts his gaze.

''I really screwed up, didn't I?''