Chapter 22

The same process of misery continued for a week until Ali's father who is also my father decided that we had wallowed enough and it was time to go back to school and live our lives like we had before the incident. According to him everyone knew how much Ali loved Connor so it was natural for her to grieve him and since she hardly had friends except the boys who were also grieving l had been with her to offer her some support.

The lie made sense but it was also no secret that Ali and l didn't get along. Mr Parker was convinced that my innocent look would make people think that l was too forgiving. Our place looked just like it was before the assault but it didn't stop my mind from wandering. l was slowly losing my mind. Mr Parker hated me. He wanted nothing to do with me and l could see it.

"Heard you're back" l turned to look at Killian who was standing at the door and l gave him a fake smile as the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. Why did l leave the door open?. "l -l you- you are you okay"

"l would have appreciated a message from you or a call or something but you just disappeared "he said and l gulped.

"This loss uhm Ali you know she reminded me of my parents death all over again l said to him as we sat down on the kitchen chairs. l felt guilty for lying to Killian but l didn't have a choice.

"l know and l am sorry" he said and l smiled sadly at him. "l am the one who is sorry " l said placing my hand on top of his. "l know what it's like and l wouldn't wish it even on my worst enemy " Something had changed between us. Killian was now a constant reminder of Connor. He represented something that l wanted to forget even though l couldn't.

"Is that why you were there for Ali even though she was mean to you"he asked and l shrugged. "Yes" he palmed my cheek and ran his thumb on my skin. His touched burned me but l made no sound. When he hugged me and tears blurred my vision but l couldn't move away. His touch felt like shards of glass poking my skin but l didn't make it show.

My heart ached for Killian and it was my fault he felt like this which is why l tolerated the pain. This was my punishment and l embraced it. "l wanted you to meet him and l know he would have loved to meet you" he said and my skin went cold. "l would've loved to meet him "l lied through my teeth. Connor was a rapist and he didn't deserve my pity but he didn't deserve to die either and worse of all by my hands. He was someone's son and someone's brother but l had to choose between him and Ali and my choice was obvious.

"l am glad you're back though "he smiled at me and l smiled back. Two weeks back Killian's smile made my heart melt but now it just made me uncomfortable. l was projecting the disgust l felt for his cousin on him and it was unfair but l couldn't change how l felt. l couldn't change the nausea that was threatening to come out or the guilt that was engulfing me.

"It's good to be back" l lied. Honestly ever since l came here l have just had bad luck. l have been bullied, fallen for the wrong guy and murdered a man. Had it been up to me then l would have transferred but Mr Parker said that it would make people suspicious. l hate that l now have to do everything with the fear that people might think this or that and the worst thing ever is that l am a very bad lie. l can't lie to save my own life but now l have to lie about murder.

"Are you okay because you're physically here but you look miles away "he looked at me worriedly and l shook my head repeatedly to assure him. "l'm just tired, l mean it's a rough couple of days "l said looking anyway but him.

"Want me to cuddle you" he said wiggling his eyebrows up and down suggestively and l internally cringed. l don't want Killian or his hands any way near me. His hands just mirrored his cousins in my head and l couldn't think logically. l know that Connor and him are different but my heart and mind aren't there yet. l view Killian like l do Connor and l dont know how long l can keep up with the pretense.