Chapter 15

When they left reality sunk in. My body felt dirty. That man whoever he was, he had touched me, he touched a part of me that was sacred, a part that I never let anybody touch. My virginity was mine to give but he snatched it away with his hands and worse without my permission.

I went to Ali bathroom and I sat in the shower hugging my legs while the water poured down on me. My tears and the water flowed together. I had the worst fate in the world. My fate is so bad that everything I touch gets ruined, l was never destined to be happy. I couldn't stop my tears and the sobs. I cried for my parents, l cried for the part of me that I lost when that man touched me. I cried for Killian because he lost someone that I know he cherished all because of me. l cried because of a relationship that was no impossible to pursue.

l scrubbed and scrubbed my body until it hurt but the feeling of his hands did not leave my body. This family was doing everything they can to protect their daughter but the repercussions of what we did would follow us for life. There was never escaping your conscience. We will never be able to run away from the shadows , and nightmares horrors at night. They may have cleaned the evidence but they can never clean the stain that it has left on either of us.

I never wanted it to be this way but now Ali and l connected even by murder. I should've never come to the school. I should've moved far far away from her actually.

"cleaning yourself doesn't make the feeling of being dirty go away "I heard Ali say on the other side of the door but l scrubbed my body harder. It was quite clear that she had been through this before and now she was probably used to the pain but how does one live with such a disgusting feeling . The feeling was awful.

When the feeling wouldn't go away l slept down on the floor and rolled myself like a cocoon in agony. l wanted to forget but l couldn't. My heart hurt so much that l felt like there was nothing more to live for. Everything was shattered, l felt numb ,it was almost like l was a living shell. After losing my parents l thought that l was used to darkness but now darkness had embraced me. The sun wasn't going to rise for me again after this.

The more l sobbed made my soul cry because tears wouldn't fall anymore. My heart was broke a thousand times and l was now so tired of picking up the pieces and moving on. l just wanted to be happy as well. l wanted to have my parents back. l wanted to love Killian without guilt of fear. l wanted to be normal again.

l am a monster. l killed a man without any remorse. The pain too much to handle.

*do you remember how devasted mom was when she lost her mother" dad asked as we sat on the shore.

"l do, sometimes we even had to force feed her so that she ate something" l said staring at him. He looked as healthy as he was before the cancer. He looked happier as well.

"she had lost her will to live but one day she just stood up and held the bull by it's horns" he smiled caressing my cheek and l leaned more into his touch.

"that's because mommy was strong but l just want to stay here forever dad, there's a sense of peace here"l said staring at the waves.

"you're just as strong if not stronger, you have survived the test of time and this is just the beginning but you already want to give up. You were the reason she got up. she wanted to guarantee you the best life forward so she had no choice but to live for you. You are our strength. Our legacy. Our only regret is that we won't be there to hold your hand when you fall or wipe your tears when you cry.

"l just want you guys back" l said hugging his torso and laying my head on his shoulder.

"We will always be here baby, we dwell in your heart, in your actions and your upbringing. Each day we are proud of the woman you are growing up to be"

"but l did somrthing so evil"

"No you did'nt in fact you just stood up for youself, the result was terrible but the intention was pure" he said.

l almost screamed when l regained consiousness. l wanted that dream back. l wanted my dad back. Dad was always my sounding board so talking to him or my imagination of him made me feel better.