Pillowtalk

Pillowtalk
Tatiana

I rest my head on Angelo’s chest as I try to steady my breath—and myself—after he just sent me to the moon with the most amazing sex. It’s the first time we’ve been together without me having Oleg consuming my thoughts. It’s also the first time I’m feeling the weight of being responsible for a mafia empire on my shoulders.

I’m trying very hard not to think about everything that it entails, so I don’t freak out.

I know I can do it. 

I know I can find the courage to follow in my father’s footsteps. I just need to get into the right mindset first.

I appreciate Angelo wanting to distract me, getting me to relax and feel good for a change, but I can tell this is also eating away at him. He doesn’t agree with me taking over the Romina Empire. But he is too respectful and understanding to say that to me.

He said he’ll support me, and I believe he will. But I can’t blame him for having the concerns he’s having. I also don’t know how to handle them yet.

I only had that one single idea of merging our gangs, and if it doesn’t work, I don’t know how we can stay together without causing conflicts of interest between the Saints and the Rominas.

It’s a bold move, but I really hope I can convince Tony.

“What are you thinking about?” Angelo asks in a low voice, lazily caressing my hair.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, wondering if I should share my concerns with him. If he knows I’m doubting my plan, he will get more worried about me. And I don’t want to feel like a burden to him.

However, if I can’t share my fears with him, who will I share them with?

I shrug slightly, adjusting myself in his arms. Our legs are intertwined under the sheets, our bodies sweaty, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere other than here, with him.

“Honestly, there’s so much going on in my mind right now that it’s been hard for me to focus on one thing,” I admit with a sigh. “Oleg, the Empire, where to live, how to rule, us… I don’t know where to start.”

Angelo remains silent for a few minutes, and I don’t press him to say anything. I’m sure he must be having these same questions inside his mind. The caressing of my hair hasn’t stopped, though, so at least I know he’s not mad again.

“I can’t even begin to imagine what that must feel like for you. I only have an idea of how hard all of this can get. I think you’ll get the hang of it as you go, you know, hits and misses and all that. I won’t lie to you and say it will be easy, baby, because with all the experience that I have, it’s been nothing but easy. And I am not even the boss.”

I nod, not daring to move.

He is right. He’s seen so much more than I have, and now, I will be the one in charge of making tough decisions. Handling illegal businesses, living with fear of being killed by an enemy, ordering people to be murdered by my men…

Can I really do it?

Is this how I want my life to be? 

But maybe that’s an opportunity to change things. Maybe I can make the world a better place somehow. If I’m taking the chance from people like Oleg to rule, it should be counted as a good thing, right?

“Yeah, I know,” I murmur, lifting my chin to look at him. “Can I ask you something, and do you promise to tell me the truth?” 

His dark eyes narrow on me as he takes in my question, his jaw and shoulders tensing up.

“Yeah, of course,” he replies firmly.

“Do you honestly think I have what it takes?” I insist, not shifting my gaze from his.

Angelo sits up and leans against the headboard, forcing me to do the same. I cross my legs, holding the sheet against my chest, and face him.

“I know you can do it,” he finally tells me. His hair is falling over his eyes, disheveled from all the…exercises we just did, and his chest is bare, his sculpted abs almost making me lose my focus.

I force my eyes to remain on his face while I listen to him.

“You’re the most determined, brave, and resilient woman I’ve ever met,” he continues, his voice firm but also kind. “Like I said, it’s not an easy life, but I’d be a hypocrite to tell you this is not for you. You’re a damaged soul just like I am. If you were to ask me my honest opinion, I’d tell you to just turn your back on all of this and get a normal life for a change, but I’m too selfish to do that, because that’d mean I’d never get to see you again. And I can’t even consider that possibility.”

I swallow hard, forcing down the lump that has formed in my throat.

“Even if we’re from rival gangs, I’m sure that after all we went through, with Guskov and the others joining us for the mission, even if Tony refuses to merge the Saints and the Rominas, I don’t think we’ll remain enemies. I don’t know…” He sounds slightly unsure, but I understand it. We can’t be sure of anything until I have a conversation with Tony and decide the future of our gangs. Until then, everything we discuss here is merely hypothetical.

“Yeah, I hope we at least avoid that–being enemies,” I agree, pulling the sheets tighter, a cool breeze causing my entire body to shiver. I notice the window is open, the curtain whooshing gently against the glass.

“As for Oleg, and all that you experienced, I’m afraid that it will never stop haunting you. In your dreams, and sometimes even when you’re awake… The only good thing is that you can rest assured that he will never show up again,” Angelo continues, his face serious and somewhat sad, his eyes falling to his hands. “But other than that, you’ll have to learn to live with it. And bury it deep within your heart so you can try and get a glimpse of a normal life,” he suggests, his voice carrying so much grief that it brings tears to my eyes.

The fact that Angelo is not coating the truth with false hopes and encouragement means a lot to me. He’s not trying to make things easier for me, but rather showing me the ugly reality of the life I chose to live. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth, but it’s the truth. And I’m thankful he is willing to give me that.

“Thank you.” I smile at him, hoping to convey all my feelings with this simple gesture.

“And lastly, about us,” he leans forward, grabbing my hands in his, “I’m not going anywhere. We will find a way to be together. No matter how hard it might be, I’m not letting you go.”

My smile widens, and I lie down again, comfortably adjusting myself in his embrace. 

“I love you”, I tell him, letting the warm sensation of feeling safe spread through me. 

“I love you more.” Angelo cuddles me, his arms keeping me trapped against his hard chest. He places a kiss on my neck, and my entire body shivers, instantly reacting to his touch. His scent invades me, and if I weren’t too exhausted, I’d be all over him after the sweet words he just said to me. 

But sleep gets the best of me, and I close my eyes, feeling his skin against mine and his arms keeping me close to him.

If this is what I get to have every night after a tough day, maybe life won’t be as hard as I expect. Maybe I can find some common ground, some balance, some sense of safety.

I know Angelo is my safe harbor.

And if I am able to return to him every day, I should be able to find some happiness.